Hi Wise MNers
Im Really struggling to compose a message to a friend and wonder if anyone could help?
Essentially we have been friends for years, but in the last few years I feel we have grown apart.
She has a teenage son and when he was a baby I went out of my way to help and support. Visiting regularly, going on days out as an extra pair of hands, booking annual leave to provide childcare when she was stuck etc.
Fastforward a few years and when I had my child hers was much older she was out of the “young child” phase, had a degree of independence back and had obviously forgotten how hard it can be when you’re in the thick of it. Which is fine, lovely she was enjoying having that back! But it meant me and my little one weren’t of that much interest to her and she was no where near as supportive to me or as interested in my child as I was when she was in my shoes. My child has had surgery in hospital an she barely enquired how they were doing afterwards or whether I was ok, doesn’t come to bday parties when invited, can’t fit in seeing us at weekends as she’s “out” at much cooler things. I’ve never pressured her, and totally get why she’d prefer to do other things. I guess im just sad I did so much for her and her memory was so short once I was in the same boat.
She likes to be the “aunty” on social media, and the one that buys the best, most longed for gifts but only knows this stuff because I tell her what’s happening or what to buy.
she hasn’t seen my child since they were a toddler and they are now 9. Despite living minutes away from one another, she’s seen me maybe once or twice a year - I assume because she doesn’t want to do “kid stuff”
anymore now she doesn’t have to, but I’m obviously still in the stages of having to do days out that involve bringing my child and can’t leave them alone to go out in the evenings etc.
Im genuinely happy for her that she gets to enjoy the things that she does, but im obviously not at the same stage of life as her and think we have grown apart. We have little in common to talk about as we spend our leisure time doing totally different things. I’m honestly also pretty resentful that she doesn’t put the effort in to have any kind of relationship with my child. Probably makes me a cow; but I can’t help it given how much I was there for her and her son.
I do care about them both massively and don’t want any big falling out - I’d like to still be in each others lives as I don’t want to write off 30 years of friendship, but equally I don’t want the pretence that she’s the worlds greatest “aunty” and her faffing about spending time and money on a kid she hasn’t seen in 6 years sending Xmas presents. My child actually asked me who this person was the other day and why they send presents to them when they don’t know them. It struck a serious chord!
Anyway I want to send a message to my friend basically saying I don’t want it to be a big drama but it seems silly her buying a Christmas present for a child she doesn’t know and not to bother but I can’t get the wording right. I’d rather it was gentle and don’t want to sound like I’m being arsey - I’m not, I’m way past that - I just don’t think there’s any point in her bothering! I’d rather she spent that money buying her who child an extra gift.
Im very happy to still send her son a gift - or if they prefer, money (teenagers 🤣) as I feel I’ve had an actual relationship with them and am happy to continue until they’re 18 with this, so it’s not a tit for tat thing and I don’t wish to be spiteful.
I just can’t work out how to say what I want to say; with the right tone and wording.
Can anyone less emotionally involved than me help please?!!
thanks 💕💕