A friend of mine is exhausted from being the only one who handles everything at home

[PetsNPaws]

I was talking to a friend this week and her situation has been on my mind ever since. She works full time and also ends up doing almost everything at home. School forms meals laundry birthday gifts for kids friends cleaning planning you name it. Her partner helps if she asks but she hates having to ask for every single thing.
She told me she feels like she is the project manager for the whole family and it is wearing her out. She said she is not angry just really tired. It made me realise how common this is for so many people I know. On the outside everything looks normal but underneath they are running around doing the invisible jobs that nobody else notices.
I am starting to wonder how people find a balance that actually feels fair. My friend is worried she sounds like she is complaining but honestly it just seems like she needs a bit of normal support.
I cannot stop thinking about how many families run like this without anyone talking about it.

I've divorced three husbands for being lazy shits who think a woman is only there to run their lives and have then had the audacity to moan about not enough sex. I won't be getting married again. My life is great on my own.

She needs to stop being a martyr and have a conversation with her dh about splitting the workload

You’re either in a partnership or you’re not, you say their invisible jobs so assuming her dh isn’t lazy and is just a bit thoughtless a conversation about things he can help with would resolve it

Good on you for walking away instead of carrying the whole load for people who couldn’t be bothered. It’s wild how many men still think everything just magically happens without them lifting a finger. No wonder you’re happier on your own. Honestly stories like yours make me think a lot of people stay in lopsided setups for way too long just to keep the peace.

I just stopped doing it all. I started by stopping doing any of DH's laundry. I then stopped running myself ragged every time his family came to stay and left that to him. I'm afraid our carpets haven't been steam cleaned for fifteen years because I felt so furious lugging a vast rug doctor up and down stairs, dripping with sweat while his 6'1" carcass watched footie.

To be fair to DH when I explain, he listens. So I pointed out he is not 'helping' me when he does stuff with DC or around the house - he is doing part of what the two adults need to do. Once he asked if I wanted to go and see a film that night and I said yeah, so he asked me to 'just book some tickets and get a sitter.' I said, 'Nope. You asked me on a date - you sort them.' It was a real eye opener to him, ringing around five or six potential sitters to find one that was free, and online booking the cinema. That 'coudja just' took him the best part of an hour. I explained this is normal and it is what many women get pissed off about and call 'wife work' or 'life admin' as every job in itself is really insignificant but they eat into free time. DS2 is autistic and had a lot of issues in his teens with loneliness, social anxiety, a bit of bullying, very low self esteem and low mood. I spent hours supporting him and pointed out to DH this is work, it's the 'mental load'. Tbf, he was brilliant about it and if I was supporting DS, he'd make dinner, wash up etc.

I also stopped being very inventive with cooking. Same old easy family recipes. he got bored and now he does the bulk of the cooking too.

You have to down tools, explain the workload in an entirely non-accusatory way, and lower some standards.

I now do half the work and DH does half. I know he thinks he does WAY more than his share and he also prides himself on being a man of exceptional wonderfulness just because he does what I do without expecting any standing ovations.

Your LTB and get paid maintenance by them for doing all the shit they expected you to do completely free as well as get a weekend and weeknight free every week while they have to actually parent their own kids.

Presumably you and your DH discussed this before you got married/moved in together? Finances and chores are the obvious ones aren't they. Assuming a fair contribution towards chores was agreed, then you just need to sit down and ask him why he has abandoned his responsibilities. Any doe-eyed innocence "oh I just don't know what needs doing" then just whip out a pen and paper and write a list together. "What do you think goes on the list DH?" Obviously you will need to top the list up with all the stuff he doesn't see but make him start it so it's a joint list you wrote together, not "your" list of demands.
Then, assuming you both work equal hours, divide the chores exactly in half. If he fails to do his half, hold him to account. If he keeps failing, ask him does he think you should do them instead, and why. His answer tells you whether he sees you as equal companion, or unpaid servant.

I’ve seen recommendations on here for the fair play cards, helps you work out what all the household and family jobs actually are and how to divide them up fairly.

We did have a conversation about it once. I said I was sick of doing everything and because he's a decent human being he apologised and now we just split it. He does the high school admin, I do the primary school admin. I clean the bathroom, he does the bins. He drives the kids to school, I drive them to clubs. When we moved house, I did everything related to the sale, he sorted the purchase. We alternate cooking/putting the toddler to bed. I do most of the washing but he irons because it's mainly shirts, which are his. If you know who's doing what, it's a lot easier.

And she could separate and completely give up the job of pestering a man. She could be happy.

He irons his own shirts as he should.

You're still doing far more than him. They always do the bloody bins.

Takes 2 seconds to put the bins out yet it's usually their crowning achievement 'I do the bins' pat pat

Have you been living under a rock, op??

You're only suddenly aware that women shoulder the load?

Great post @Jugendstiel

We have a light hearted game where we show off the thing we’ve done for the other person to admire/appreciate. It’s silly but also very effective at letting us both see each other’s invisible jobs. And it’s compulsively competitive too and dh is the kind of man who plays to win.

The way we did it was to recognise the mental load in the division of labour. I do nearly all of it, therefore he must match that elsewhere.

However, mine has ADHD so it is different and I don't really feel the sense of injustice. He doesn't expect me to work full time as well as everything else and I don't want to, for now anyway, so that balances out. I could never put up with one who just expects all this as their due.

Genuine question, did they not show any signs of being lazy shits before you married them? I married my husband because, among other things, he pulled his weight around the house, did all the cooking and never demanded sex.

On a very practical and unemotional note, I have discussed this issue over the years with many women and I’ve found the thing that works best is to have a discussion and handover a practical entire task to the partner. An example would be to hand over all the washing / laundry / ironing to the partner to do. That way the lines are clearly delineated as to who is responsible for what without grey areas. Also accept that there will be a training period for task handovers or maybe even create a document and email it with everything he needs to know about how to do the job. That way there can’t be any arguments later about not knowing.

They change. Mine was brilliant but changed when the kids came along - even though after mat leave, I went back full time. Then life happened, he became an alcoholic and I ended up doing everything. When it all fell apart, things were actually easier; my kids were older and pulled their weight, and I didn't have to think about his wants.

You can discuss and plan and think you have a good one, but there are no guarantees.

No none at all. I never married before three years of being engaged. There were flowers, equal work at home, they were gainfully employed and then an about face as soon as we were married. I wouldn't have married them otherwise. It was as if they though ah we're married now I don't need to bother any more and it was all downhill from there.
I made my expectations quite clear to all of them before marriage so it was no surprise to them.
I feel ashamed to have been married three times but I honestly don't know what I could have done differently.

I've always had the impression that a lot of them do their equal share or thereabouts when it's just the two of you and things are easy. There often isn't much housework when you're both working and probably live in a flat or small house. There's enough free time to go around and you might not generate much life admin. But then don't raise their game once kids come along.

It's not necessarily easy to predict that the bloke who sometimes sorts the washing out without being reminded isn't going to do that any more often when it's 1 load a day rather than every few days. That someone who enjoys cooking for the two of you when he has time and headspace won't feel the same about taking responsibility for the diet of a pain in the arse toddler. Spotting the obvious red flag merchants is easier than accurately predicting how someone who's never had much life admin is going to respond to a substantial increase in it.

Sorry but I'd rather spend 10 mins wiping round the bathroom than faffing with the black bin, the disgusting food bin and the recycling. But you're free to split the chores how you want. And there are also 10 kids school shirts to iron a week, again, a job I'd rather palm off.

I think we need to normalise messy houses. A friend of mine basically gave up on cleaning etc because her DH wasn't pulling his weight.

I do everything at home, but I refuse to work more outside the home than I feel able to, on top of home commitments. The home and the children are full time jobs, I’m not also working a second full time job outside the home. I do realise this puts me at risk financially but DH understands this and I hold savings/pensions of my own which he pays into. I think the only way for men to wake up is for women to disengage from the free labour they offer.

Okay fair enough. I don't own and iron and keep my bins out front. I'm glad you have a nice husband.