Have we all secretly lowered our standards for friendships since having kids?

[NaciGeorgopoulos]

A friend said to me recently that most of her “mum friends” aren’t real friends, just people she happens to chat with about snacks, homework and school gates. I thought about it and realised she might be right.
Before kids, I had proper friendships built on shared interests and long talks. Now most conversations feel practical rather than personal. I’m grateful for the company, but it doesn’t always feel like a real connection.
Is this just how life goes when you’re busy with work and family, or should I be trying harder to build friendships that actually feel meaningful again?

Ive got all sorts of friends. I really like the easy chat type.

I make a real point of talking to people about things that aren’t child related. It’s an easy trap to fall into.

It is hard to maintain friendships in general when you are working full time and have young kids - there’s just no time.

I have more friends since being a mum.

I think it has made me more aware of other people's frailities and problems. Of bone aching tiredness or worry or stress. It's made me kinder and more supportive.

There's a place for both and I have found that some of the "mum friends" have gradually evolved into friends that I have deep conversations with, my DCs are grown up now and I have friends from the young children stages that I see regularly in groups and individually and the DCs barely get a mention now. Mind you we do talk a lot about elderly parents instead. But also all sorts of other things. There were some who never got beyond the stage of having DCs the same age in common, I still like a catch-up with them if I bump into them in town or wherever.

Proximity and lifestyle compatibility are massive factors in a friendship being sustainable. That doesn't mean that there is no potential to become more meaningful but you usually need those things first.

I mean theoretically it's possible to meet someone that you really click with and a friendship endures despite the fact that you're rarely in the same place at the same time but how likely is that? You'd need an awe inspiringly intense connection for it to be worth it.

People who do life with regularly and you get on with well enough are simply a more realistic prospect for most people.

I think many people don’t have time for friendships when they have families, and definitely don’t want to invest time in building new friendships, so tend to stick to superficial topics to hold people at arms length.

So what about your friends before you had kids? Have you not stayed in contact with them? Ive got some mum friends yes but most of my friends from before kids also now have kids. We do lots of things with kids and naturally talk about kids but we make a conscious effort to go out for dinner and drinks a few times a year with no kids and it's exactly like old times.

At the school gates absolutely your friend is right. I had mum friends at school but I only stood and spoke with them because I had to be there, I wouldn’t have gone out my way to find these people outside of school.

I have proper connections with the friendships that started off at play groups and parks. Just don’t exclusively chat about potty training and weaning and it’ll be rate xx

My best friend came from the school gates, back when our eldest were 4 - they are now 14!

I wouldn’t consider someone I passed small talk with at the school gates, kids parties etc anything more than an acquaintance. There was a lovely dad I still chat to if I see, still an acquaintance and convos centre around the kids.

My closest three friends have stood the test of seven DC between us (one chose to be child free), a divorce, bereavement, etc). I think our shared history over thirty plus years means any other friendships will never come close.
I do have other friends, including 'mum friends' but they aren't the ones I reach out to to plan holidays with or look to for meals/days out.
I'm meeting two of my close friends for lunch today, which can be difficult to arrange with work, family, etc.
I do put in an extra layer of effort for those closest and have several plans of concerts, exhibitions, and Christmas shopping with them.

And yes to the pre-children friendships sustaining too, mine drifted somewhat in the early years of parenthood as we didn't have DCs at the same time (spread over about 10 years between the main group) but now all our DCs are grown up the friendships are firmly back on track.

I've found similar with colleagues, most work friendships are really only based on being at work together but I have a few former colleagues I see years after leaving certain jobs and the job/other colleagues don't even get a mention.