Do you ever feel like you’re the only one holding everything together?

[dongbibi]

I was chatting with a friend the other day and we both realised we feel like we’re constantly the “default parent/person” The one who remembers everything, sorts everything, fixes everything… even when we’re the ones totally exhausted.
It’s not that anyone else is doing nothing, but somehow all the invisible stuff ends up on my plate. School forms, birthdays, dentist appointments, making sure there’s milk in the fridge—it never ends. My friend said she’s started just not doing certain things to see if anyone else notices… and surprise, no one does!
I know everyone’s busy, but sometimes it feels like if I stopped spinning all the plates, the whole house would just fall apart.
That's terrible.

I no one notice just skip it. Not important enough then. Hand over responsibility.

I didn’t buy any Christmas presents for my DH family a few years ago, I’d asked for ideas at the end of November & he threw out a few so I said “I’ll leave it to you” he either forgot or didn’t think I was serious, Christmas Day afternoon as we were leaving for his parents he asked where the gift were, when I responded with “you were getting them” he looked physically ill, fair play to him he sucked it up & explained to his parents he dropped the ball on gifts, but let’s say he always asks, organises or buys his side of the family gifts (Christmas, Birthdays, Mother’s Day etc) now.

I also stopped washing his clothes on my first maternity leave, I was overwhelmed with: my clothes, babies clothes, bedding, towels, it took him about 2 weeks to notice & then I had to repeatedly let this happen before he realised I’d stopped washing his clothes, but again it gave him the kick up the arse to start pitching in with the washing

Sometimes you have to let the plates drop so other people notice you’re spinning them all.

It really does feel like that sometimes. You keep everything ticking over and no one notices until something slips. It’s exhausting being the default person all the time, even when everyone means well.

I get what you mean. It really does feel like that sometimes. You look around and think everyone else is just carrying on while you are the one keeping everything ticking over. It is exhausting when all the little things automatically fall to you. Even if others do help, the mental load is still sitting in your head. You are definitely not the only one who feels like this.

Thanks, sometimes people really don’t see how much gets done until it’s not done. I’ve been tempted to do the same with a few things in my house because explaining it over and over gets tiring. Letting a plate drop now and then might actually be the only way some people notice.

My bug bare when the adult dc were still at home was recycling.

in my head, finish a bottle - put it straight outside.
their head, finish a bottle put it on the draining board and the recycle fairy will do it.

I once left it. 5 days!!!!! Guess who cracked first

my dd once said ‘well you do it too’ didn’t like the reply yes for an hour or so the recycling fairy never appears for me’

Yes. Im a single parent and while the kids dad takes them before or after school for a few hours, every washing load, doctors appointment, medication reminder, school email, Halloween outfit, party invitation, outgrown shoe and illness is solely on me to deal with.

Its mentally exhausting and every now and then I get totally overwhelmed - with the job list, full time job and total lack of family support. Its crap, but I find that now I've accepted its just me, its a bit easier than hoping for help and being constantly let down.

So depending on your kids ages, id suggest a combination of dropping the ball deliberately, delegating, and lowering your standards a bit - that combination should help at least a bit!

Learn to delegate? It takes determination and effort but give it a shot. Let there be consequences when it’s not done.
‘Your mum’s birthday is next week, I’m leaving her card/present up to you…’
’We need milk on your way home from work’. Let the milk run out to reinforce the message.