Panicking when friend asks me to do something at the weekend

[goldAU]

Like most of the population, I work FT and only get 2 days (ie the weekend) to do washing/sort,clean,tidy house/food shop/see family/spend time with DH & DC/have own chill time/hobbies/run errands/much needed lay-in & any planning for the week ahead. At this time of the year, also add in Xmas shopping/plan/prep/activities for the next 7 weeks. My friend also works FT.

Lately, I go into panic mode when she asks me to make any plans with her at the weekend, I see it as one day I am losing at the weekend and then have to shoe-horn everything into the 1 remaining day and make a decision of either whom I let down (me with no chill time or family/DH/DC time) or what activities I drop (e.g. my hobby, DC washing, planning for following week) and try to somehow cram into an already busy & full-on working week. I recognise all the planning/ideas/suggestions to do things as friends together is currently coming from her and lately I never suggest anything. I would rather take a day off work for something she suggests eg a spa day, shopping day etc and not use a weekend day. She works as a teacher so no time off to book random week days as holiday.

How do I manage this ?

I would do my washing during the week and a food shop online for a start. I'll let other people ask what DH is doing....

I work FT and only get 2 days (ie the weekend) to do washing/sort,clean,tidy house/food shop/see family/spend time with DH & DC/have own chill time/hobbies/run errands/much needed lay-in & any planning for the week ahead. At this time of the year, also add in Xmas shopping/plan/prep/activities for the next 7 weeks

Take a day in the week off and you can do any of the stuff in bold above with no weekend distractions.

Especially with the run up to Xmas most towns do a late night shopping day. Can you do an evening trip out rather than a weekend day?

Why are you doing so much every weekend?

@WonderlandWasAllAHoax this is all standard weekend activities if working FT in the week ?

If you’d be happy to take a day off to spend time with her, the. Why don’t you take a day off on the Friday/Monday to get some time back if you are spending a weekend day with her? Works out the same.

Spell out the window you can share..
When I meet up with similarly busy friend it's a 90 min meet up!! Costa and a cake and a catch up... We miss each other but accept our friendship has these limitations!!
Another friend who has more time is 1 Saturday a month 11 - 7!!

9am coffee at a local coffee shop Saturday morning or a 7pm drink at the pub Sunday night, that way you’ve still got the majority of your weekend.

Maintaining friendships aren’t easy but you never know when life will come crashing down around you & you’ll want their support.

I also think from reading your post you may need some life admin help, do you and DH split the jobs?

Im responsible for keeping downstairs tidy (do a general pick up/tidy up/empty bins nightly - it takes 15 mins max) DH is responsible for upstairs. This massively helps not feeling overwhelmed at the weekend.

Online food shops are great we get ours delivered Friday night, if it’s in the budget a cleaner is a God send (we get one bi-weekly) I strip the beds on a Monday night, set the timer on the washer for 5am (Tuesday) so they can be washed and ready to be thrown in the dryer by 6:30am (before work) I do the same with the towels on Tuesday night, all other washing gets done Sunday morning.

I pay the subscription fee to Moonpig & rely on its reminders to send birthday cards, keep a drawer in the house of little gifts (adults & children)!with gift wrap, so there’s no last minute buying before parties/meeting people.

Maybe have a think about how you can take some of the pressure off at the weekends & it might make you more comfortable stepping away from family life to meet a friend.

If you only have one friend I would make her a priority too sometimes. If you really can't spare a couple of hours once or twice a month for a coffee/walk/lunch whatever then you are just telling her that she is at the very bottom of priorities for you. I don't know why you can't do some of the things you do on the weekend during the week. I do laundry and food shopping during the week for example so that I can do fun stuff on the weekend.

Do the food shop online, do the laundry everyday in the week, get your DH and the kids to do their ahh are of the errands and the cleaning so you can go out.

Meet her in the evening?

"She works as a teacher so no time off to book random week days as holiday."

Why don't you book a random week day off as a holiday - use it to do your weekend stuff - and then leave your Saturday/Sunday free to see her? Presuming your OH can take care of your children when you see her.

We divide up the jobs that need doing regularly and spread them across the week. Each get one job per day. Food shop, change towels, water plants, change beds, take bins out, that type of thing. Tidying is daily ten min for everyone and that helps a lot. Laundry is mostly a daily job too, I do that and DH does cooking which is the other daily job. This leaves the weekends much more free and they’re much nicer as a result!

the organised mum method is really good for this to free up your weekends. Obviously this depends on your actual working hours/commute time etc. Also depends on the ages of the kids- can they do their own washing?

Then I would say divide the weekend into 4- 1/4 each for family activity, your time, DH time and jobs done together.

or pre plan a day during the Christmas holidays to see your friend? Unless you have issues in this friendship, I think it just a symptom of Christmas overwhelm. I love seeing my friends at this time of year though as I feel fully like I can relax then, with no parent or daughter duties to do.

@goldAU

Do you have to do EVERYthing at the weekend? And do you have to do all of this everything EVERY weekend?

Pace yourself a bit, do a bit less, hand some chores to your DH (and a few to your DC,) and stop martyring yourself!

I understand a bit of this as I think I can be similar. Are these last minute plans to things that are already in the diary?
I cannot handle last minute plans with friends as I then feel I’m losing a day at the weekend and I find it quite stressful, though if I know ahead of time that I’m due to be seeing friends that weekend then great.

could you also suggest maybe a morning activity? Then you don’t lose your whole day

Honestly I'd shift some of the house stuff to make time to see a friend, as others have said, no question at all. That includes the lie-in, breakfast out is a great way of catching up without disturbing the rest of the weekend too much.

in the nicest possible way you seem to be a bit martyr about this.

Cant you or husband do some of these tasks during the week? How much time does "planning for the week ahead" take up.

Ultimately i think it comes down to what you actual want to do, which by sounds of it, is chill out with husband & kids, which is fine, but just be honest with yourself about that.

Can you meet for dinner in the week instead? Or as PP have said, early weekend mornings (walk and a coffee) or evenings?

I would prefer to see my friends than do the laundry or go to the supermarket.