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Difficult 19 year old son

7 replies

losenotloose · 11/11/2025 19:27

I've posted this in teenagers also...please be gentle

I'm so upset. We've had such a hard time with ds1 since he was about 15, he became heavily addicted to weed, did badly in a levels after doing amazing in GCSEs, spent about a year in his room getting high and hardly seeing anyone etc. We've had periods where we were genuinely scared about his mental health (paranoid). After getting nowhere trying to get him to quit weed, we suggested a job where you have to be drug tested and he did it! He hasn't smoked since last December. However, he quit the job after 2 months because he hated it. Since then, he is struggling to find work. He has improved but is still difficult to live with in ways. Won't cook, barely helps around the house. We try but honestly he is so unbelievably argumentative and selfish.
Please go easy on me, I regularly feel at breaking point with him so really need kind words. I'd like opinions on if we're being unreasonable at all. Me and dh work Monday -friday. Ds1 is intolerant of noise when he's sleeping. At the weekend, he expects us to stay quiet until he wakes up (after 12pm) which means no house work and generally creeping around. We told him that 12pm is the limit as it's not fair on us. He thinks this is unreasonable and we should just wait until he wakes up. This can cause major arguments as when we start making noise after 12, he kicks off. I feel like I'm being held hostage in my own house and want him to move out.

OP posts:
pastaandpesto · 11/11/2025 19:32

I'm sorry, that sounds very difficult for you.

Do you have other DC living at home?

losenotloose · 11/11/2025 19:33

Yes, dc2 is 17, completely different. Not an angel, but generally reasonable

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 11/11/2025 19:39

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to live in YOUR house he abides by YOUR rules. He doesn’t do drugs, he helps around the house, and he doesn’t get to tell you what to do in your own home. You two are the parents, you need to act like it. Get some boundaries in place and stick to them.

pastaandpesto · 11/11/2025 19:44

What outcome are you aiming for OP? Asking sincerely, not sarcastically. Are you hoping to improve your relationship while he remains living at home? Or are you at the point where you need him to leave your home, willingly or otherwise?

I'm sure you are already concerned about the impact of the current situation on your younger DC, but their safety and wellbeing is equally important and you may need to make difficult decisions to protect them.

Lilactimes · 11/11/2025 19:58

I’m so sorry @losenotloose - I really really empathise with you.
i have my 19 yo DN living with me. He’s been kicked out by his mum and his father who are separated.
He is not in college and again dropped out of A levels
i have got quite a good bond with him and I do get him up unless he is working late . Certainly I would carry on as normal and not tip toe around and I do really confront him but always say it’s from a place of love but he has to get up, wash, eat well and help as part of the house. It’s exhausting tho and not how I envisaged my retirement x

losenotloose · 11/11/2025 20:22

Thank you. At this stage I would like him to move out. I think it would be good for him, might help him to grow up because I don't think we can do anything anymore. He's always done everything on his terms so if I suggested a routine of getting up earlier he'd argue with us, say what's the point and carry on as he is. I cannot wait for him to get a job

OP posts:
LML1989AL · 11/11/2025 20:40

Are you financially supporting him? If so stop.

Are you washing his clothes, making his food, picking up after him? if so stop (temporarily live with the mess)

Go about your life in your home the way you want to, between you and your DH decide that as of tomorrow things will change, if he wants to argue let him have a one sided argument with himself, if he wants to be selfish let him, don’t let him see that it affects you.

You & DH need to be united though.

Hes an adult living in your home, not a child.

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