Going off with stress - why do I feel so guilty?

[nameychange]

I’m at breaking point with my work stress, there’s a lot going on and it has been for around a year, and I think I’ve finally hit the point where I just have to walk away.
im not sleeping, getting approx 4 hours on average, I’m not throwing up most mornings and stay nauseous all day, I have a permanent headache which paracetamol doesn’t touch, my heart feels like it is racing constantly, I’m totally exhausted and not thinking straight.
so why do I feel like I should just keep going as it’ll get better soon and then it’ll be ok
i have a GPs apt this afternoon and I just want her to say right I’m signing you off as I know I’ll just not be able to get ask. I need someone to tell me for the sake of my health and wellbeing I need a break

Have you spoken with your employer that you are struggling?
Have you been looking for another job? Yours doesn’t sound sustainable.

The GP can’t sign you off if you haven’t been off for 7 days already, you need to self certify first. Will time off change anything? Or will the same problems be there when you get back? Sounds like you need a conversation with work about the stress first

You either need help to find coping mechanisms or resign.
What causes the stress at work? Have you discussed this with your manager?

I’ve spoken to work and had an OH referral a couple of months ago, the work stress is compounded by menopause symptoms and I had my HRT altered to try and help which it has to a degree but I think honestly it’s the work stress

i tried to go off on Friday but whilst it wasnt her intention, talking to my boss stopped me, I just feel so much guilt that all of my work will pass to someone else and couldn’t pull the trigger. I’ve spent much of the weekend in tears.

im Trying to put coping strategies in place but I think the continued lack of sleep is making it so hard, I’m just so exhausted I can’t concentrate properly and just let h from one thing to another.

i just feel like a failure because I can’t cope anymore with it all.

and yes a new job would be ideal but sadly it’s not that easy. I think made. Mistake moving higher up in management. It’s just not for me I think but I’m not on the right headspace to find another role.

I’m lucky I have a very supportive manager who understands, the stress is regarding an ongoing situation which has taken double the time to resolve itself it should be over in the new year and I had that I mind to just keep powering through til but I’ve hit a wall and my health is now suffering

That isn’t true. Whilst self-certification is possible for the first 7 days, the GP can choose to issue a note immediately which says you’re unfit for work.

OP, have you fully thought through the implications (for yourself, not the company - believe me, they’ll survive) of making this decision? Would you be going off with no intention of ever going back? In which case, what would your plan be for finding another job and/or supporting yourself financially once any occupational/statutory sick pay runs out?

Can you ask to step down for a less demanding role at work?

If being signed off for stress is unavoidable then so be it, your health comes first. But its not without cost to others in your team, your guilt isnt without grounds.

I’m hoping a few weeks off to try and get some rest and escape from it would mean I could go back and do the job until I can find something else or at least have rebuilt my resilience to cope until the situation is resolved.

theres not a chance to step down where I am but it’s what I’m looking to do to get out just somewhere else.

Don't make any decisions about resigning or looking for new roles whilst you are unwell. Get signed off and recharge. Then decide what you want to do. Hope you feel better soon.

And you feel guilty because you are stressed.

I’ve had team members signed off with stress before now, and honestly the hardest thing has been persuading them to take the time off. I wanted them to get well and come back (if it was right for them). Team members who were crying all weekend can’t function properly and on a human level it’s just heartbreaking to see. This was when they had stuff going on at home that led to them just not being able to manage life and work. It happens, and when the wheels come off, for whatever reason, you have to concentrate on yourself.

be kind to yourself.

You’re feeling guilty because you’re not well. There will be an impact on others but you are equally as important and it’s ok to prioritise yourself here - there is no need to battle through just to save other people from a bit of work.

How about writing down what you want to tell the GP before you go? I’ve found that can be helpful if it’s difficult, then either read it out or just hand it to them.

Get yourself away from the stressors so you’ve got some space to recuperate and think. Imagine you had a sharp spike sticking into your leg every day slowly digging a hole and making you bleed- you’d move away from it right?

You feel guilty because there's a culture in the UK of take your whole self to work, and also the pressure of your absence on colleagues is rammed down your throat.

I used to feel this guilt for any and every legitimate illness. Covid, pneumonia, D&V, you name it.

Then a colleague who had just got his hard earned promotion, who had been riddled with stress up to this point walked into our foyer, had a heart attack and died. Do you know how long it took for them to replace him? 3 hours. They literally had already offered somebody else the job and they arrived within 3 hours external from the business.

I stopped feeling guilty at that point in time when I realised that we're entirely replaceable, and that our employer was placing so much stress on us unneccessarily, and arbitrarily.

It's all about protecting the business, not placing burdens on colleagues, until you drop dead. Not protecting the employees you have and making sure they're fit and well and working to their utmost best capacity because they feel happy and able enough to do so.

So don't feel guilty for feeling stressed. Stress can have some really adverse affects on the mind and the body. Take the time off, advocate for yourself and your own needs, ask for a stress risk assessment upon your return and I hope you feel much better soon.

Get signed off. I was signed off for a month, and went back feeling so much stronger.
I don't feel guilty about these things though. I feel part of my manager's role is to deal with work absences, and I'm not a manager because I wouldnt personally want the hassle!
I hope you have a good conversation with the doctor and can start to unwind soon.

Of course the guilt is without grounds, the OP isn’t in any way personally responsible for the workload which will fall on her colleagues, it’s for the company to appropriately provision cover if and when it’s needed and if they don’t do that then OP’s colleagues are well within their rights to feel aggrieved - at the company, not OP.

Interestingly, people only seem to suggest you should feel guilty about taking time off when it’s mental health related. I currently have breast cancer and will be off for 3 weeks shortly for treatment. Would you say I should also feel guilty about it?

When I was signed off from work, it was work who had sent me to see my GP and by the end of my appointment he had signed me off there and then. No need to self-certify for any length of time. I think he could see that I wasn’t fit for anything. He was a kind man who realised that I was going to struggle to make the decision that I needed time off so took it completely out of my hands. It was a huge relief.

The two can be true at once. OP must prioritize her own health, rightly so, and it will place extra pressure on colleagues. Thats where the guilt comes in. The guilt is a natural response to the situation. But the most important feeling is the need to protect her own health.

And no of course I wouldn't say you should feel guilty about time off for cancer treatment. Would you say I should feel guilty for time off to give birth? I may feel guilty walking out of that office nonetheless though, knowing what my colleagues will cover while I'm gone.

The guilty is there to inform us more fully about the social situation. It has to be considered in the decision making process.

Anyway, the OP has said its not possible to step down, and it clearly unwell from stress.

I hope she feels better after a break and all the best with your coming treatment.

I got signed off on the spot too, without being off work for any period of time beforehand. This was recent too - this year. I was clearly a mess and he signed me off for a month.

But you do realise that it’s often people with mental health issues who struggle the most with feelings of guilt about taking time off? And that by pointing out that it’s right for OP to feel guilty about it because she’s leaving her colleagues to pick up her work just makes it more likely she won’t take the time she needs, for the sake of her own health? It’s probably the thing that’s kept her working to the point of crisis in the first place.

And I think telling someone who feels guilty isn't actually going to work. She feels guilty. Its a natural response. Nonetheless, the guilt isnt the salient part, the need to protect her health is.
I just find it easier to think about why the guilt is there, its unavoidable, its a normal, social human response to the situation. In fact, its a sign her emotional responses are working correctly.

I think its best to accept the guilt, its there for a reason, but nonetheless the time off must be taken.

Thansk for the kind replies - I’ve taken a first step this morning and called in sick for today, I do need to make one call this morning which can’t wait or be delegated and will see what the GP says this afternoon.

if this was someone in my team I’d be telling them to go to bed and come back when they feel up to it - I need to be kind to myself too.

im honestly hoping a few weeks to recharge my batteries and go back with coping strategies deployed and strict boundaries and I can keep going in the long term to make on informed decision on my job.

I’ve hoped back into bed to see if I can get some more sleep.

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis

Definitely get signed off.

The world will not stop spinning because you aren’t there. It’s not your responsibility. Imagine what they would do if you were run over by a bus and off for six weeks. That’s what they will do while you’re off with stress.

Make sure your GP notes it as work related stress. Stay off until you are absolutely sure you are better and have strategies to cope with work. Take up any offers of occupational health or counselling services. Don’t get sucked into responding to work messages whilst off. Ignore them.