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Crippling loneliness

24 replies

Crimble123 · 10/11/2025 11:12

I dont know why but I feel embarrassed writing this. I dont really have any friends and im struggling with loneliness.
Ive always struggled with friendships. I am ND so get why this could be why.
As a mid 30s person no one really talks about finding it so hard to make new friends.
Throw into the mix that im a single mum with no partner and an absolute nightmare of a ex who I have to try co parent with him hes set on making my life miserable. I have family but none are emotionally available and im often on the stately homes threads.

I just feel so so miserable. I have no one to share life with. No one to text if something funny happens or id like to share news with. I have maybe 1 or 2 friends but its all on a superficial level and I don't really see them alot.

How do you deal with loneliness? I have my DC 50/50 so the weeks I dont have him i feel so low and lonely. I know people will say learn to love yourself, thats all good but its so sad I cant share things with people

OP posts:
Tolkienista · 10/11/2025 11:16

Loneliness at this time of the year when the days are short can be crippling. Grey skies, long nights .....not great.
Why don't you start by volunteering to help in an organisation that is crying out for volunteers to help. You could offer your services to hours that suit you. Once you feel comfortable in others company, friendships will naturally develop.

Crimble123 · 10/11/2025 11:27

Tolkienista · 10/11/2025 11:16

Loneliness at this time of the year when the days are short can be crippling. Grey skies, long nights .....not great.
Why don't you start by volunteering to help in an organisation that is crying out for volunteers to help. You could offer your services to hours that suit you. Once you feel comfortable in others company, friendships will naturally develop.

Thanks i did wonder if there was some seasonal depression because since the nights have become short ive felt worse. Its weird because ive never had SAD before.
I just feel in a bit of a rut. I did join a female only gym but can only go every other week so not regularly. Ive also not been going recently as they have put major road works on my way home from work so miss the majority of classes I can do :(

OP posts:
Aweekoffwork · 10/11/2025 11:32

We have a local MeetUp group where you can join in with any activity you fancy ..it’s for people like yourself who feel quite lonely and isolated. Might be able to search it on the Internet.

Alternatively, I have friends who:
Zumba
Yoga
Palates
Bhangra dance
Swim
Walk
Run
Cycle
Play chess
Golf
Creative writing
Attend church
Join a political party
Volunteer

Hoodlumboodlum · 10/11/2025 11:44

Pm me. I feel exactly the same way.

Coffeeevening · 10/11/2025 11:48

I'm in a similar boat to you. And yes long time lurker on the stately homes thread too. I know my marriage had to end for many many reasons but being a single parent brings just another set of challenges and a whole heap of loneliness. Everyone already seems to have their own "tribe" and that makes life even harder. Happy to chat on pm.

Tolkienista · 10/11/2025 11:58

Crimble123 · 10/11/2025 11:27

Thanks i did wonder if there was some seasonal depression because since the nights have become short ive felt worse. Its weird because ive never had SAD before.
I just feel in a bit of a rut. I did join a female only gym but can only go every other week so not regularly. Ive also not been going recently as they have put major road works on my way home from work so miss the majority of classes I can do :(

I'd never really thought of it before this year, but after such a beautiful spring and summer pulling the curtains before 5 o'clock is really taking its toll on me. Really long nights.
You're definitely on the right platform for support.
Good luck with whatever you end up doing to get you through.
I'll be following this thread.

RomeoRivers · 10/11/2025 12:10

How old is your DC?

My eldest has just started reception and I’ve found loads of the parents are really keen to make friends; can you start trying to arrange play dates, in order to build up relationships with the people around you?

Crimble123 · 10/11/2025 12:24

RomeoRivers · 10/11/2025 12:10

How old is your DC?

My eldest has just started reception and I’ve found loads of the parents are really keen to make friends; can you start trying to arrange play dates, in order to build up relationships with the people around you?

Hes in yr 5. I did have a group of mum friends but we seem to not really talk alot or get together much anymore. Id see a couple outside the group but they are going through their own things atm so havent heard much from them. I havent reached out to them and text and said we should arrange something and don't really hear back.
I have a sister and usually would do some stuff with her but again shes going through stuff too. Just feel like im always forgotten about, no one checks in, no one asks to do stuff with me.

OP posts:
RomeoRivers · 10/11/2025 13:18

I think you need to be the planner, rather than waiting for people to ask you.

Offer to host, then give a range of dates and allow people to pick one that suits them e.g. after school or various weekends between now and Christmas.

Once you get something booked in, move onto the next person.

Myfridgeiscool · 10/11/2025 13:25

This time of year is absolutely horrible, I’m feeling really low at the moment. It’s different in the Summer with the light evenings, these dark evenings really don’t help. It’s really hard to motivate yourself to get out.
Have you got a MeetUp group where you live?

PinkNeonSign · 10/11/2025 13:36

Gym is good for being among people, it took me ages to have the epiphany that there are more people than just me who are there for that reason. Even if you dont go regularly, if you can find a class you like (I like dancing) then just aim to get to that when you can, it’s something to look forward to and you’ll feel great.

What about a bit of online dating? I think it’s probably better if you’re not putting too much pressure on it to find true love, but if it’s just connection you’re after, it might do you good. I think you’d be surprised how many people are in the same boat. I’ve chatted to loads of men and it’s clear a lot of them are working from home, without their kids at least half the week and have little going on in their lives and just like having someone to chat to x

ChikinLikin · 10/11/2025 13:51

You could aim to join three new things this year. Such as choir, swimming group, running group, walking group, climbing group, charitable organisation, 'friends of' local park or nature reserve, bird watching group ... whatever you fancy. You won't make friends straight away, but you will meet lots of new people and you will have fun ... and over the years some friendships may develop.

Find a babysitter so that you can go on the weeks you have your child.

Augustus40 · 10/11/2025 14:11

Babysitters are expensive and most single parents will not be able to afford this.

Augustus40 · 10/11/2025 14:18

Op I recommend trying a local Anglican church. There will be Sunday school for your child and everybody is non judgemental and there is coffee served in the church hall after. I recently started going to one on my own as ds is now 20. I dont believe in most about Jesus but the singing is fun and the church gives a sense of community. Everybody is very welcoming. I was very pleasantly surprised! I don't feel lonely as ds is much older now. I just wanted a community feel as there is none where I live. We even have a female priest and female curate!

CaminoPlanner · 10/11/2025 14:34

OP, the problem with loneliness (in my experience, as I have suffered from it too) is that we crave an instant end to it/cure or solution for it, but actually the cures take a long time.

The love yourself advice really is (was for me) a massive step in the right direction. The more kind, compassionate, accepting we are with ourselves, the easier it is to be alone, but also, ironically, the easier company we are for others, so the more they seek our company. It's a win-win.

People can sense loneliness and it puts them off. They are scared they'll get trapped in an intense or demanding needy friendship that drains or obligates them. And they feel a bit affronted that the lonely person would latch onto anyone, just to have a friend, so they don't feel very special. (That was my mistake - too friendly with everyone then wondered why no one wanted to be my friend!)

Something I have noticed over the years is that ND people get on way better with other ND people. We just do. Almost all my close friends are either autistic or ADHD. I have realised I feel a bit on edge with a lot of neurotypical people. So it might be worth your while trying to cultivate other ND friends. Look for any ND support groups in your area or ND parenting groups. Or dare to start one up.

DS2 is autistic and mentions this on dating sites. It attracts other ND people - they meet for coffee. He says he uses the site to make friends as much as to have dates (though he has had luck romantically too.) You could try this. There are online friendship sites. You could say something simple like 'autistic single mum seeks similar for friendship and companionship in local area. Likes XYZ. List a few things you enjoy so you attract people with similar interests. You could do the same for new relationships. Just say you are ND and open to meeting ND men. Chat first for a week or two then arrange to meet for daytime coffee.

Another thing I learned, which took me years and now seems so important to me, is that shallow friendships are as valuable as deep ones. I used to only want friends I could have deep heart to hearts with. Now I am also appreciative of friends who join me to see a film or go to a fitness class but say little except 'Hi' and 'Bye'. It's a very light connection, not a deep one, but it is still companionship. Maybe try to cultivate some intentionally shallow connections - go to a fitness or craft class even if you can only attend every other week. Think of it as mingling rather than closeness.

And use MN. That is why it is here and why some of us have been here for many years. If you need someone to comfort you after a tough day, or to say, "Well done' when you achieve something - tell us. There are many lovely, caring people on this site.

CaminoPlanner · 10/11/2025 14:40

Something else that is useful to learn if you find friendships don't last, is the difference between opening up and offloading. It's fine to 'open up' to others - e.g. to say, 'I am having a bit of a tough time right now with DS's dad so it's lovely to catch up and take my mind off it' This means someone knows and realises why you may seem down and will put some effort into cheering you up. But offloading is monologuing about how awful life is with little awareness for how drained the other person feels to be on the receiving end of all these complaints, or lack of awareness that they too may have problems they are battling alone. Never offload. That is what therapists and phonelines and anonymous SM forums are for. Just open up and use friendships as a means for light hearted fun that is a break from the drudgery and seriousness of life, not a dumping ground for woes.

Itsasmallworldafterall25 · 10/11/2025 14:47

I really get you OP. I am ND also and have always found it hard to make and keep friends.

People always suggest meetup groups etc which is fine for just getting out and having some contact but it is so so difficult to turn that contact into a friendship outwith that.

I met some girls through a shared interest and we speak back and forth but are they proper friends? I’m not sure. I chat to the same mums at kids sports every week but it’s going from acquaintance to friend I really struggle with.

Friendships at school (when I did have them) were so different. You were so immersed in each others worlds, you knew their family and had so many shared connections but it’s just so different as an adult if you haven’t held onto those sorts of friendships.

Not a helpful post but just know you aren’t alone.

Sidebeforeself · 10/11/2025 15:00

Itsasmallworldafterall25 · 10/11/2025 14:47

I really get you OP. I am ND also and have always found it hard to make and keep friends.

People always suggest meetup groups etc which is fine for just getting out and having some contact but it is so so difficult to turn that contact into a friendship outwith that.

I met some girls through a shared interest and we speak back and forth but are they proper friends? I’m not sure. I chat to the same mums at kids sports every week but it’s going from acquaintance to friend I really struggle with.

Friendships at school (when I did have them) were so different. You were so immersed in each others worlds, you knew their family and had so many shared connections but it’s just so different as an adult if you haven’t held onto those sorts of friendships.

Not a helpful post but just know you aren’t alone.

Totally agree with your point about how hard it is to move to the friendship stage.

But it’s hard for NT people too. Unless you are naturally outgoing and like taking the lead, it can still be really difficult.

I’m currently forcing myself to attend a group that isn’t normally my thing, just on the hope that I get to meet more people. It takes time and effort and thats hard.

My advice is dont stress about it being because you are ND,a single parent etc. It’ll come but you must fight the urge to hunker down and withdraw.

CrystalSingerFan · 10/11/2025 15:01

CaminoPlanner · 10/11/2025 14:34

OP, the problem with loneliness (in my experience, as I have suffered from it too) is that we crave an instant end to it/cure or solution for it, but actually the cures take a long time.

The love yourself advice really is (was for me) a massive step in the right direction. The more kind, compassionate, accepting we are with ourselves, the easier it is to be alone, but also, ironically, the easier company we are for others, so the more they seek our company. It's a win-win.

People can sense loneliness and it puts them off. They are scared they'll get trapped in an intense or demanding needy friendship that drains or obligates them. And they feel a bit affronted that the lonely person would latch onto anyone, just to have a friend, so they don't feel very special. (That was my mistake - too friendly with everyone then wondered why no one wanted to be my friend!)

Something I have noticed over the years is that ND people get on way better with other ND people. We just do. Almost all my close friends are either autistic or ADHD. I have realised I feel a bit on edge with a lot of neurotypical people. So it might be worth your while trying to cultivate other ND friends. Look for any ND support groups in your area or ND parenting groups. Or dare to start one up.

DS2 is autistic and mentions this on dating sites. It attracts other ND people - they meet for coffee. He says he uses the site to make friends as much as to have dates (though he has had luck romantically too.) You could try this. There are online friendship sites. You could say something simple like 'autistic single mum seeks similar for friendship and companionship in local area. Likes XYZ. List a few things you enjoy so you attract people with similar interests. You could do the same for new relationships. Just say you are ND and open to meeting ND men. Chat first for a week or two then arrange to meet for daytime coffee.

Another thing I learned, which took me years and now seems so important to me, is that shallow friendships are as valuable as deep ones. I used to only want friends I could have deep heart to hearts with. Now I am also appreciative of friends who join me to see a film or go to a fitness class but say little except 'Hi' and 'Bye'. It's a very light connection, not a deep one, but it is still companionship. Maybe try to cultivate some intentionally shallow connections - go to a fitness or craft class even if you can only attend every other week. Think of it as mingling rather than closeness.

And use MN. That is why it is here and why some of us have been here for many years. If you need someone to comfort you after a tough day, or to say, "Well done' when you achieve something - tell us. There are many lovely, caring people on this site.

This is a fantastic post. What @CaminoPlanner says!

I can only add, have you considered Parkrun? Every Saturday, 9 AM, somewhere near you. You can run (with a buggy!), with a kid, volunteer, walk, go for coffee afterwards, AND get fit.

And for @CaminoPlanner, great user name and Buen Camino.

Crippling loneliness
Itsasmallworldafterall25 · 10/11/2025 15:14

Sidebeforeself · 10/11/2025 15:00

Totally agree with your point about how hard it is to move to the friendship stage.

But it’s hard for NT people too. Unless you are naturally outgoing and like taking the lead, it can still be really difficult.

I’m currently forcing myself to attend a group that isn’t normally my thing, just on the hope that I get to meet more people. It takes time and effort and thats hard.

My advice is dont stress about it being because you are ND,a single parent etc. It’ll come but you must fight the urge to hunker down and withdraw.

Of course yea, people seem to get upset when anyone mentions their ND and have to point out that NTs have struggles too but it is 100% relevant for OP and myself to mention our NDs on this thread. We are famously bad at making and keeping friends, it is relevant but of course it does not mean others don’t have the similar issues just the same as they can have other symptoms of the diagnosis we have.

Lavender14 · 10/11/2025 15:25

I would say that I've felt at my most lonely when around people who let me down a lot. I felt less lonely when I properly cut them off and started to live for myself and focus my energies elsewhere. So if there's people in your life who are draining you then you need to really think about what they add to your life or if they are actually making you feel more lonely.

I'd invest in a club or hobby where you can meet other people who share the same interest as you and that way it's never a waste as you're not only going for the opportunity to meet people, you're also doing something you enjoy at the same time.

I met lots of friends through volunteering as well. It can also really increase your confidence and its nice to feel you're helping others. I'd also guess that people who tend to volunteer in theory value other people and will make effort to understand others so if you find socialising difficult in some way you might find more support and understanding in a setting where volunteers are welcomed.

I have some friends who are ND and who can at times struggle to understand social dynamics and one thing I really appreciated was that they were open with me about that at the beginning and asked me to be honest with them if they ever offended me or crossed a boundary and that make it so much easier to me to then have those conversations as I hate any type of confrontation and it really helped our friendships. Because often people will distance themselves instead of having an awkward conversation even though that conversation might improve or save the relationship. Obviously that depends on your comfort levels and how much you want to share with others who you don't know.

Sidebeforeself · 10/11/2025 15:29

Itsasmallworldafterall25 · 10/11/2025 15:14

Of course yea, people seem to get upset when anyone mentions their ND and have to point out that NTs have struggles too but it is 100% relevant for OP and myself to mention our NDs on this thread. We are famously bad at making and keeping friends, it is relevant but of course it does not mean others don’t have the similar issues just the same as they can have other symptoms of the diagnosis we have.

I’m not upset at all nor am I minimising the additional difficulties ND people have. I was merely trying to sympathise but didn’t want to pretend I was ND too.

Timeforatincture · 10/11/2025 15:50

Try bellringing. There's bound to be a tower near you, and ringers are always keen to teach newcomers. They are a friendly bunch, and the fact that the focus is on an activity takes the pressure off - friendships grow naturally, Just explain to the tower captain that you can only come every other week - but your son is nearly at the age at which he can learn too. Some towers start age 10, others wait until secondary school age. If you PM me your deets I can look up your local teaching tower if you fancy it.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 10/11/2025 16:27

I’m the same. I have very few friends, and those I do have I do all the running for the friendships, and I need them a lot more than they need me. I am
married and have an adult daughter as well as by younger kids so I do have company, but it’s not the same as true friends. In this entire year, not a single person I know has checked in on me (just dropped me a message to say hi, or to invite me to anything or to just check I’m ok). It’s really lonely. A lady recently put a similar post on our Facebook and asked if people wanted a meet up group, and she got over 200 women join in a weekend! Except actually when it comes to actual meet ups, I think only 5 of us have actually met. I am going for a walk with 2 of them again on Sunday.

I think if you don’t have those core strong friendships either from pre kids /uni or earlier, or made when your dc are little or some other thing that’s forced you together, it’s very hard to make real friends as adults.

I am happy to pm you or join a chat group with you plus others if people want it

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