What age to stop cousin sleepovers?

[SunnySideDeepDown]

Well, not stop the sleepovers in their entirety but what age would you stop the mixed-gender sleepovers in the same room with cousins who are close and enjoy each others company?

How old is the eldest when you’d stop it, assuming they all still want to sleep in the same room?

How would you phrase it to the parents without causing tension?

FWIW - we have 6 cousins from two families who have a few sleepover a year.

Crikey this is depressing..

Something a bit less stereotypical, possibly?

Mine don't have cousins, but our friends children are the closest thing.
I think all DC started wanting more privacy at teen years, then it ended with the girls in one room and the boy in the other. But parents would all be staying at the same time.

Never. My male cousin and I shared the top bunks every summer at the family holiday cottage into our late teens. He and I had a great time - we were like siblings as we were both ‘only children.

I’d only stop them if the children said something. My own DC (one of each) kept each other company in the bath for years and just gradually stopped themselves. And they were teenagers by then. Come to think of it, there were mixed sleepovers here when DD was at uni.

Dc and cousins are late teens early 20s now. They never stopped. They gave privacy for changing but are happy to sleep in same room if all together.
If any of them had asked or shown they didn't want to we would have stopped then

DS and DD did a couple of times with female cousin of DD’s age. Last time DS would’ve been 7, the girls, 9.

This is what I’m now suddenly realising. The youngest of the group is 4 and the eldest is 11 and they get on so well that it’s never really dawned on me but I think it’s now a good time to separate the eldest at least who’s going through changes.

The eldest isn’t mine so I now just need to think about how we communicate it in a way that doesn’t weird anyone out or make them feel excluded..

Im surprised your kids were wanting to bath together into their teens - no judgement just surprise.

I think, for me, I’d rather not wait until it’s too late and they say something as that could affect their relationship, privacy or safety. It’s now just a question of how to do it kindly, also as eldest has a younger sibling who my kids would very much like to still sleepover with (and who is young enough for me to have no issue with people in the same room).

Then ask them (and I would say ask them not just the parents), something like "We love having you all over to stay but obviously you're getting older and might appreciate not having to share a room with your younger, boy/girl cousins. How are you feeling about it?"
They might say that they're fine in which case continue but make sure to revisit and that they know that if it's not what they want you can change the plans so it's still fun but not uncomfortable for them.

This conversation has gotten quite weird.

Im not going to separate the cousins. Im not sure how many rooms you all have to separate them into. Come Christmas we are piled high in every spare corner. We stay in tents with one room and no loo and caravans that aren’t much better.

I’m not going to damage their dignity. They are pre teen to adult age and they are planning to go away for a summer once the youngest leaves school staying in hostels around Europe. Obviously all staying in the same room!

it is so beyond normal for family to share - brothers sisters cousins parents - hotels rooms homes bathrooms tents houses - I don’t even quite know what this chat is even about.

Honestly, it’s not really about their privacy as I think they still enjoy the sleepovers. It’s more to safeguard the younger children.

My children don’t have cousins they have sleepovers with but I have close friends whose children are the nearest things to cousins. My children are 11 girl and 8 boy and the friend’s children range from 16 to 7, I would let the youngest of the friend’s children share (age 7 and 9 girls) but the others age 11+ boys I wouldn’t let share with my children: I am 99% sure the boys wouldn’t do anything but I’m not prepared to risk the 1%.

Unfortunately the stats are quite clear that abusers are often people known to the victim. Dads, step dads, brothers, cousins, uncles etc. That’s what the thread is about- the risk of abuse.

Me too. Sexist drivel.

I'd let it continue as long as the kids were comfortable, but I'd be checking in and giving alternative options from secondary age. I'd also only allow mixed sex in larger groups not boy/girl pairs or a group of one sex with one kid of the other.

My daughter has shared a room at sleepovers with her younger male cousin since they were babies.
I offered him the couch last year thinking she may want some privacy (aged around 14!). I was quite surprised when I woke up and the couch was un-used, I was quite annoyed at him in fact. I had a gentle chat with my daughter about boundaries and she can come and get me anytime especially if someone won't leave her room etc.....I was rapidly told to pipe down, they were having a great time doing each others hair and makeup and eventually just got tired and fell asleep 🤣 I've left her to it since...

Depends on the children. If they are all comfortable then any age is fine. Go to bathroom to get changed for privacy (at all ages).

This.

We still have mixed sleep overs, the kids are aged between 4 and 12.

My DS aged 14 and his female cousin the same age have always been thick as thieves from an early age. They love to see one another and have a great time together. They just laugh a lot and have fun. I have offered for her to share a room with her older Dsis and my older DD for a few years now but she really doesn’t want to. They get changed in the bathroom to respect privacy but they still want to share a room.

On the other hand I would not make DS share with his much younger cousins (4-10) of either sex as he just would not want to. He prefers to share with his older sister when they sleep over.

My Dsis and I still have a great relationship with our same age male cousin. He always stayed with us in school hols and we went on holiday together even independently as young adults. I feel very sad about people thinking these relationships are sinister or a risk.

I think it’s really about how well children and parents know one another and being trustworthy rather than their sexes.

I stopped sleepovers with my cousins when my parents stopped wanting to drink when we went there - I think there was a falling out of some kind looking back 🤣 but honestly I'd have no problem sharing with my boy cousin now and we are in our 40s.

I'd not want, say a 6 year old and a 12 year old alone, but fill in those gaps with other cousins/siblings so there were more spanning the same age range I'd be ok.

Indeed. Sexual stereotyping and objectification of women encouraged as an alternative to the potential sexualisation of children.

Yeah well i know my children, and I know their cousins so I'm not going to give them shit they don't like am I? Let's use our brains here.

My daughters and their female cousins are girly girls, they would despise being given games. Thanks for questioning how well I know my own daughters, nieces and nephews though!

Ah yes I will give my daughters and nieces footballs, which they will grimace at. And their male cousins will be given makeup sets.

Or perhaps I know what my own children enjoy, and know for a fact that my daughters and nieces would probably scream for help if forced to enjoy 'non-stereotypical' games. And the boys would probably cry if not allowed to play the games they enjoy.

But if you'd like to force my children, nieces and nephews to meet your non-confirming standards, you can raise them, and change their minds! Just let me know when you'd like to take full custody and we'll get the paperwork ready, because it's clearly an emergency!