Does counselling really help .....

[Dancingdogs4]

If you start it knowing full well nothing can change ,you can't change the past ,you can't change what happened two minutes a go .
If you start it ,not even sure your memories are correct
And if you know raking up the past just brings up bad feelings
If your DH was difficult to live with in the past but hasn't been for the last 18 years ,he can't change that ,I can't change that ,and I don't need to be pressured to leave ,or to be " helped " with a plan for change .
I knew the minute I started talking I'd made a huge mistake.
what I really need to is manage my own emotions,
Parents were absolutely diabolical,
And I've never had that loving support or involvement from them ,they have been absent from my life since I was 17
So it leaves you at a disadvantage not having parents guiding supporting you.
I've tried so hard to get away from my past,make a loving home for my DC ,and counselling has raked up things that happened,that I can't change ,and was happier forgetting
I feel I'm getting pulled back to that person I've tried hard to get away from.
For example..
If someone was an alcoholic,but had managed ,on their own to stop drinking for 4 years..then straight after counselling,the urge to drink is badly back ..
No one would think counselling was a good idea in that situation??
I can't risk that relapse,it nearly killed me last time .
The counsellor only has my take on things ,I could be remembering things wrong , because I've tried so hard to forget and move on .
I don't want any more sessions,I just want to make the most of the life I have .
I feel sick ,I've said to much to her already and I don't know what she is going to do with that information ..( nothing at all regarding children,just all issues from 20 years ago I've tried to forget )

I think you’re crediting your therapist with far too much power and influence. I mean, she has no power to compel you to book sessions, and is herself unlikely to want to work with someone who is actively hostile to the idea. If yiu want to stop, stop. Yku don’t sound ready,

Was it your idea to see a therapist? If so, there must have been something that made you do it.

The thing about past experiences, especially childhood ones, is they shape who we are and who we become. They inform our understanding of the world and our expectations. I genuinely believed all men hit their partners, for example - I was pretty shaken when I found out they don't, at the age of 37!

It sounds like your counsellor's trying to help you get to grips with how this process has led to developments in later life that make you unhappy. It is necessary to work through this before taking steps to repair the situation. It is hard and horrible, you have my sympathy for going through it.

When people stop drinking (or using, etc) without doing any of the internal repair work, they often carry on being the twat they used to be while drunk. Sometimes even worse. Since they haven't fixed anything much, it's natural they turn back to alcohol or another substance when life gets problematic.

You really should be having this talk with your counsellor. I just wanted to let you know I heard you.

Thankyou for the above responses both of you .
I'm scared to explain above to counselor as she will convince me to continue.
I didn't realise I'd feel so bad after ,I don't like the feelings they have not gone away .
I can't change my past ,I've worked hard keeping my mental health stable and putting my DC first .I don't want anything to derail that ..I feeling very anxious I've told her to much ..( nothing recent)
This is rediculous actually..I'm a grown woman,if something I booked is not helping me ,I can stop it .
Thanks both for replying

My dad died this year ..and I thought I needed to work through my past with him.
I thought I could stick to just discussing that ,but she's asking questions about family children dh ,and it just escalated in things I didn't want to discuss.
I realise I can't just discuss my dad like I thought I could

Well, I started therapy in 2021 for an issue that was then in my life, but things I thought were long put to bed from my past turned out to be alive and kicking and relevant to my current issues. It took me a long time to see that, though. But while I think some resistance may suggest there’s work still to be done, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. You don’t need to worry that your therapist will ‘convince you’ to do anything. You choose to book and attend sessions. You can choose to cancel booked sessions at any point.

I have had counselling many times in the past ..but my memories are shaky ,I don't know what are real ,or imagined or the result of lies both parents told ,
There is no way to get to the truth , because one parent is dead and the other has dementia.
So I've spent years trying to forget and move on ,and shake it of
I guess his death did upset me at the time ,as that was why I reached out .
I had planned to just discuss him and his death ,but it snowballed away from him in the session,and as I was talking,I was thinking I don't want to discuss this.

This is known as ‘the presenting issue’ in the trade. But can you see that potentially your poor relationship with your DF made you susceptible to substance misuse for comfort or escapism and any shame and guilt you still carry needs to be explored and resolved to relieve you of this buried burden once and for all.

It’s common to feel an emotional ‘vulnerability hangover’ after a therapy session - it’s excruciating but that’s often an indication of progress and healing (bit like pain after surgery or taking a tooth out). It’s important to really care for yourself at these times. Loads of sleep and rest.

You are 100% correct - we do need to manage our emotions. This means learning to become observant and aware of how our physiology, racing thoughts, reactive behaviours under stress - and then not to resist or fear them but to accept them without judging, sit with them observing whilst they rise and fall and flow through us, are processed and settled. This is called ‘mentalisation’ - where our brain can look down on, or over to our emotions and observe the intensity, arc, timing, physiological feelings - and allow them to pass through you - rather than be hijacked by them either by pushing them down to fester or reactive behaviour.

It’s important to accept what we see and feel and have self compassion for what we are enduring rather than allowing destructive fear, shame or guilt to burden or beat us down further.

Most times therapy is like a snow dome - the dust gets kicked up, it’s messy, it hurts and it hard work - but it settles to a new fresher shape.

Bring back your experience to your therapist - it’s critical information and they should resource you to maybe go slower or ensure that you are emotionally protecting and supporting yourself during this vulnerable time. I used to go home and nap for an hour after stopping for a hot comforting sausage sandwich. It’s painful but rewarding work and deep emotions of anger and fear are a necessary transient part of the healing process. Well done for starting this journey.

You know a lot ,your very wise ,are you a therapist .
Yes I felt so vulnerable after .
I'm worried I was not Cristal clear that my memories are shaky and may not be mine ,I may remember things wrong .
I felt I wanted to run away from myself after the session,and I always did that in the past with alcohol ( for example,not actually alcohol)

I just want to move on ,feel peace and forgiveness ,I'm not sure discussing things will bring peace and forgiveness..what if it makes me bitter and twisted.
.
I don't know .mum has dementia so I expect when she dies I'm going to struggle then as well ,maybe I would be better tackling it now rather than then ..

I won't do anything for now
Next session is next Friday ..time for me to think things through
This thread and the replies has helped ,I do feel calmer ,thankyou for the replies everyone x

The “truth” is in your implicit emotional memory and what your body physically is continuing to hold, and, how, when under stress these emotional memories can trigger reactive, unhealthy, negative thoughts and behaviours.

The details and ‘facts’ are irrelevant - how you felt then and how you feel now emotionally physically in your body - is what is true - and what will hijack you.

All events and interactions are subjective to each of our individual perspectives so the only ‘facts’ are how those events and interactions impacted us specifically.

That was and is real.

And we shouldn’t deny, diminish, judge, minimise or invalidate the depth of our true experience - we need to be aware of it, then come to accept it and be supported to adapt and process / digest it so that it becomes assimilated and resolved.

You will be exploring all of this in a safe place where you can express deep emotions, in private without judgement only unconditional support and guidance for you to find acceptance and peace.

Yes, this exactly

It doesn't matter if your "memories" are true, it's not a court. It's how that perception (if it's not a memory) has made you feel and, as a result, act.

Getting it all out in the open is the hardest bit. Bottling it up ("coping with it") generally doesn't work. Once out in the open you can start to diminish its power over you. Look at your reactions and see how your present behaviour is linked, and start to break those links, reframe the way you react to things.

I would try and do the work now. My sister has had a very debilitating reaction to our mother's death because she had a lot of unaddressed trauma, which she now feels it is "too late" to deal with.

I'm not sure I really understand what you mean ..sorry ..
I don't understand how facts are not important
My memories could be false because of parents lying about each other in a very bitter divorce .
However if I only go on 100% what I know to be true ,that's bad enough.
What is an emotional memory,I've never heard of that

It's hard work
I didn't expect this
I'd been looking forward to this counselling,.crazy
Sorry to hear about your mother's death,and your sisters reaction ,I hope she gets some help

It’s the difference between thoughts and feelings. Your feelings are core and true and are what are triggered, evoked, elicited with memory - they are in your body first as sensations - when we pay attention we might notice our tummy drop, or our chest feeling heavy / crushed, or our throat tighten, our jaw clenching, or our shoulders straining. These are the only things that are real - they are the record of what happened to us, and the barometer of the depth of the impact on us as a child and what weight we still carry with us as an adult. This is the part that needs resolving. All of the ‘factual’ memories (as opposed to the emotional memories describes above) can be disputed he said / she said and inaccurately recalled - so although these thoughts ‘facts’ are the triggers to our ongoing distress they are not the part to be fixed - the emotional state is. We need to learn self awareness and learn to explore and name what sensation we are experiencing (feelings) and then name the emotion - is it fear, anger, sadness, regret, guilt, shame, rage, jealousy, disgust etc Then we can learn to accept that truth of emotional experience for us individually, before learning to self sooth and adapt our behaviours and thinking from dysregulated state to stable and calm.

This is all the process and theory of therapy but you need to experience all of those painful emotions in the sessions and in between to heal. It’s a bit like having a personal trainer they can tell you how to do a deadlift, swat etc but it has to be you who does it and experiences the blood sweat and tears that goes with the effort, discomfort and hard work for you to feel the benefits and rewards.

Thats why self help books have limited scope. You need to feel it to heal it. Your therapist should be pacing you as you release and process your emotions - safely - same as a personal trainer won’t let you injury yourself by starting off lifting the heavy bar until you have worked up to it. Also the first session is a huge download with lots of stress leading up to in with anticipation so leaves you feeling very unsettling and uncomfortable.

Ah
I have a diagnosis of autism and alexithiyma.
Naming feelings and actually feeling anything is often beyond me .
The only feeling I had after was the overwhelming feeling I need to be sick ,as that is how I cope .
Ok ..I will give some good thoughts to have you gave said.thankyou for explaining

The need to be or feel sick is likely due to emotional overwhelm and a current inability to effectively express, digest and process feelings.

This can be due to complexPTSD from childhood trauma and results from the fight or flight state when our nervous system shuts down our gut to cope with the perceived overwhelming threat.

Have a read up on complex PTSD if you haven’t explored this already. Also request a focus of developing “mentalisation” skills with your therapist. These skills are used in internal moments of negative spiralling thoughts or external moments of stress to pause, observe and evaluate our thoughts before intercepting and choosing how to respond rather than react. Reacting is often what creates more issues for ourselves and others.

I trust your therapist is experienced in working with your specific previous diagnoses and can guide you through a programme to sensitively unpick any cPTSD and develop your emotional tolerance, flexibility and responses to relieve symptoms of distress.

I am also diagnosed autistic. I used to tell people "I don't have feelings". It's obviously not true, it's just harder for me to identify and name them.

You probably need a specialist therapist to be honest. Therapy for autistic people is very different.

I have thought that actually.
I did email the counsellor with extra information,I'm the hope she might say I was to difficult to work with ,but she sent such a lovely reply ,I don't feel I can cancel now

That's what soldiers get after battle ,I don't know anything about that .
Never heard of mentalization either ,but will look it up .
I'd been on the waiting list a few months ,there was no choice in counsellor
Is a counsellor the same as a therapist?
I was only expecting to talk through issues,I'm not expecting her to have any answers

@Weligama you know a lot ,you must either be a therapist yourself or had therapy that helped you understand yourself...none of my business either way ..but you are certainly extremely helpful,so thankyou x

Please make sure your therapist has worked with autistic individuals before. You really do need someone who understands autism well, normal methods can be overwhelming for autistic individuals and not be as effective.

Yes , hence this thread ,I got myself in such a state after the counselling..it was a whole hour of me talking,she only asked a few questions and didn't really speak much ,so it was me just stating facts .and I'm was completely overwhelmed after and didn't know how to process anything or what to do with myself next.
If I'm honest I don't want to go through it again,and I'm now going to spend all week dreading Friday

If this is your only option for a therapeutic resource, you could do some research before hand on appropriate methods for ASC individuals and share that with your counselor?