Out of control kids

[littlesnatchabook]

Hi, I desperately need help with my kids please ☹️ I have two very 'spirited' little boys, whose liveliness has turned the corner into plain old bad behaviour recently. They are 6 and 3. The 6 year old I'm sure has ADHD but as yet is undiagnosed. The 3 year old I'm certain is neurotypical, just crazy 😁

Home life is not great, not awful either...I'm working on that, but in the meantime I need to be able to get some kind of order in the home. They are wild! They don't listen, mealtimes are a battle, the little one constantly pesters the older one, which inevitably leads to physical fights between them. They used to get on so well but they argue more often than playing now. They leave a trail of mess behind them. I'm so stressed out at not being able to get through to them and I end up shouting just to be listened to, which is not the kind of parent I set out to be. I do apologise but at some point that just becomes meaningless doesn't it.

I really need some techniques to help me regain some control. I'm not too much into gentle parenting but I'm not for long timeouts on their own or harsh punishments either. Somewhere in the middle sits well with me. As specific as possible would really help me too. I have ADHD myself and really struggle with keeping up behaviour charts etc, plus neither child responded once the initial novelty wore off.

Behaviours I need help with specifically:

• DS1 constantly getting up or stalking when eating dinner. Needs TV to eat.
• DS2 essentially does what he wants, screams, fights, throws things when he doesn't get his way. Feel beholden to him.
• having to physically carry or manhandle (not unkindly) DS2 upstairs for bedtime because he just won't go
• Asking DS1 to do something - have to repeat sometimes dozens of times
• DS2 jabbing at his brother - for example, DS1 sitting on the sofa drawing so DS2 lies there putting his feet on him and his notebook

Lots lots more.

Things I've tried:

• Pokémon card rewards or confiscation
• pocket money deductions
• toy confiscation
• short timeouts with an adult with them (this actually works for DS1 but DS2 makes it a living hell)
• a points system (works a bit for DS1 but hard to keep in top of and also I don't really know how to reward for it)

Please please help. I'm desperate to be a better mum to them and I know I'm letting them down right now. Plus, I'm going insane.

I can't offer any practical suggestions but I am wondering where the other parent is. Is there a good reason for their absence?

I used to get down to their eye level. Say look at me and make sure I got eye contact. Then 1 short instruction.
I still use this now with the small children I teach English too. It works. Somehow the eye contact means they listen.
To reduce the mess reduce the toys. Maximum 5 each. It’s not forever.
No more pocket money. A 6 year old is too young for pocket money.
For a period you might need to be very strickt - it’s very boring but it helps long term.
With the meal times sit them with you or DH in between them. Short explanation of rules. We sit down for meal. We ask each to get down from table. We say please and thank you. When this doesn’t happen there are 2 warnings. Then dinner is over.
it they are hungry later then dinner reappears - cold but with the same rules. Sit to eat it. Ask to get down.
Don’t apologize. You are their parent, not their equal.
I also used the timeout chair - for the older one.
The tantrums honestly you just have to ride them out/ignore. I used reins with mine when out and about.
I also have adhd. What really helped me was to really believe that I am in charge. That I know what is best for them. They don’t because they need a parent. That being strict works long term and actually will make life easier for them. The shouting instead I cultivated a very firm and clean tone and fierce stare.
Ear plugs for tantrums.
Three year olds are really tough. At least it’s possible to pick them up. But keeping them physically active helps.
And swimming and lots of time outside. Even in the dark and cold. It tires them out. Children also behave much better outside. It doesn’t matter if they get muddy/dirty they can be popped in the bath.
Going to feed the ducks or playgrounds is a good place to practise compliance with the DC doing as they are told. You issues 2-3 short sentences about behavior expectations. We are going to feed the ducks. When we get out the car we will hold hands. Say please and thank you when you ask for Duck food. Then calm praise for complaisance. Well done for holding my hand so well. Ooh you said thank you. Of course you can have some.
The bedtime resistance is normal I think.
Also no more casual treats eg Pokémon cards etc. They become too normal. And so their value falls and so removing them means nothing.
Its really hard and a bit relentless sometimes. But then better behavior will come.
Before days out when leaving the house and when arriving at venue. Short explanation of expected behavior and consequences of non compliance. Eg we are going to soft play. When we get out the car we are going to hold hands.
Then on arrival right let’s hold hands. Child says no - so warning. Remember we are holding hands. We are going to have a lot of fun.
You don’t need to explain why. You just issue the instruction.

It's a long story but his presence doesn't add much value. Often the opposite in fact.

@Candlesandmatchesthank you so much for your advice. I am writing it down and will definitely be using it.

Have you heard of the Three Baskets technique? This is one for you as the parent, and I second everything that @Candlesandmatches said about believing that you are the parent.

The Three Baskets - imagine the biggest basket, medium, and smallest. In the smallest basket goes the one behaviour (maybe two) that you will no longer tolerate - probably physical violence between them?

The medium basket are things that you don't need to pick up every time. Maybe things that will go into the smallest basket once you've emptied that one of physical violence for example. You don't have to have anything in the medium basket, it could just be that you identify priorities in the biggest basket that will move into the smallest basket later on.

The biggest basket is the one full of the behaviours you are going to ignore. DS1 is going to wander round the house to eat or have a screen on, ignore. You have to carry DS2 upstairs when it's bedtime, fine, he gets carried. DS1 takes 10 reminders to put his shoes on, give him 10 reminders.

The idea is that you solely focus on the one thing you can't tolerate, and you stop picking them up on things that you can tolerate (for now) - otherwise the really big things just fade into the background noise of "mum's having a go again" and they can't differentiate between the significance of what they're being told off for - and trying to firefight on multiple levels is exhausting for you too which means you're more likely to be inconsistent. Once you've got the smallest basket (fighting) cracked, you can move a behaviour from the biggest into the smallest basket and work on that one.

The other thing that worked really well for me is playfulness. It sounds like you've lost a lot of fun in your household. So getting children upstairs by pretending to be a monster, singing instructions at them (yes really - for some reason getting them to sing it back makes it go in more than just saying it to them), if DS2's feet are on his brother grabbing his feet and pretending to nibble them because they are where they shouldn't be and once he's distracted, take him off to play with something away from bothering his brother, that sort of thing. Much easier to move a child on who is giggling than one who is angry and defiant.

@RavenLawthank you - this is pretty much what I did today. I focused on the 3 year old randomly screaming to get his own way (time out) and also on mealtimes. I tried not to worry about too much else but to be honest without the TV, not a whole lot else happened! Until bedtime, which was a mess, but we almost managed a whole day of relative peace... ish. Making things fun is really good idea and an easy thing to forget amidst the stress of it all - I will make a conscious effort to do this more as I know my boys will respond well to it