Is there something wrong with me or did I just not learn proper social skills?

[makesandbakes]

I always thought I was just introverted but I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me.

I can't do small talk. I try really hard to make eye contact constantly. My brain lags, there is nothing wrong with my hearing but words don't always register straight away and I'm constantly asking people to repeat themselves. I don't know when to jump into a conversation. Group conversations I find really hard. I just stay quiet as I'm scared to talk over anyone. I know when to laugh or smile or look concerned but I'm overthinking about doing this. Like it doesn't come naturally to me. It's weird! Im so self conscious about what i say. I almost want to apologise before I talk to people because i don't want to come off rude when I talk to them. Not for what I've said but how I hold a conversation. Like I might come off as fake or disinterested.

I find socialising really draining. I love the idea of it but I come away feeling so deflated like I'm some kind of idiot. I much prefer to be alone.

I've just started a new job so I've met lots of new people in a short space of time. It's really amplified my anxiety about my social skills or lack thereof. Does anyone else feel like this? Is it normal to just be a bit shit at talking to people or am I on the spectrum? I do have some of those traits like fixating on an interest, disliking change of routine and sensitive to loud noises. Not to trivialise those things. I have genuinly thought about it recently but never sought any kind of diagnosis.

Could it be social anxiety? Though with the other signs potentially ASC. Does it impact your work, relationships & quality of life significantly, or can you avoid socialising to an extent?

Your autistic

Yep, sounds like autism

Look up Social Anxiety Disorder. I thought I was an introvert, but looked up social anxiety disorder, and this fitted me better than introversion (maybe a bit of this too).

I also have the thing with not registering what people say straight away. It's not an 'ear thing' it's more a 'brain thing' where it feels like it takes longer for my brain to actually process what someone has said.
I have trouble focusing on certain sounds if there are lots of different noises, such as conversing in a bar with music. It's like my brain is trying to process every sound and I can't focus on one thing.
Plus, I have Misophonia too.

Cognitive or auditory processing speed?
ADHD?

Just focus on one person at a time.

Ask questions. Listen when they reply. Wait half a second to check that they've finished speaking, then either ask a follow up question: 'ok, so you like Greece, any particular area??' or, say : I like Greece too, especially Kos'.

It's not always intuitive, and it's not always easy.

But it gets easier

What was your upbringing like? Since you wonder if you "did not learn properly".

I was an only child, with disinterented parents who left me to entertain myself all day. I also had speech difficulties, bullied at school etc, so mostly avoided other kids, all through childhood and teen years.

Now I'm still socially awkward as hell, and a lot of people ask if I'm autistic, but no, I think I just never learned. Some people are raised this way. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with their brain.

Touch of the 'tism?

Identical to me. I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD this year, at the age of 52.

I think I'm also asd but can't be arsed to go through an assessment.

OP, I could have written your post. I completely identify with everything you've said. I was an only child with disinterested parents too. I do wish I could get better at conversations but I struggle with understanding jokes, I misread sarcasm and take things literally. I find any form of socialising exhausting and stressful. Sorry, I know this isn't helpful. Maybe someone will be along with some advice or guidance..

Sounds familiar to me. I’m diagnosed.

What you’ve said sums me up. I think some of mine stems from childhood. My mother didn’t think we were ever good enough, she told me I wasn’t the type of daughter she wanted etc. so I don’t know. I have two kids who are autistic so it could be a combination of both.

I can’t be arsed going through a process of diagnosis but you might find it helpful in understanding yourself.

Yeah this was how i found out I was autistic (diagnosed). The "embrace autism" website is good.

You might be autistic
but most people I meet are bad at small talk and get social anxiety and lots of people just find other people draining

Following to re-read properly during the day, as some of the things you mention resonate with me

Although in a work setting, I can talk to people -guess I’m playing a role, but if it were a social situation, I would clam up.

On a practical note, could you find a counsellor or expert who specializes in anxiety in social situations and how to overcome this?

I was something like this in my 20’s and then I had a few jobs where I learnt better social skills by watching how other people did it. I still much prefer not to have to interact in big groups. I still prefer to be in my own or with one other person. I still get overwhelmed when there’s a lot of talk going on around me. But I’m much, much better at how I talk with other people. I definitely put on a public persona though.

You sound as if it could be me saying those things.
I have AuDHD, my social skills suck but I copy others to fit in. It’s very tiring.
Diagnosed in 2022 at age 58. It was a relief really. I had being diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past but that was not the case.

Could you talk to a counsellor, perhaps through your work scheme if you have one? I found it helpful to be given a direction to access a bit of help & support.

I'm one of 4 kids. Religious family. Socialised a lot at church so I did have plenty of opportunities growing up to make friends and socialise. I was just always terrible at it. I didn't realise until very recently when my dad told my children to be quiet in a room full of other people talking that I was told as a child very often to be quiet in the presence of grown ups. Maybe dulled my spark from a young age but don't think that is the only reason.

I'm absolutely fine with family. I can be totally myself around DH and kids. Don't give it a 2nd thought because I see them everyday but my parents even feel awkward conversing with them because they are not and every day occurrence. I can do my job fine. I'm in customer service and can absolutely fake a nice conversation for a short period of time. I can do social things. Its just me that feels bad about if after.

Auditory Processing Disorder can cause that sort of "lag" in speech processing.

This level of thinking about how to navigate social situations is very much like the way people who are autistic tend to describe how they experience social interaction.

Maybe try some podcasts or books by autistic people and see if they resonate? I think social media tends to be a bit mixed in how much of it is accurate vs how much of it is myth, but longer-form content like books and longer podcast interviews tend to be better IME. I like Weirds of a Feather, The Hidden 20%, and The Late Discovered Club.

As someone who is ND, I'd encourage you to get tested.

It sounds highly likely that you are have ASD or ADHD.

Many of your symptoms fit with the female representation of ADHD (in particular the difficulty in processing info and struggling with knowing when to talk without speaking over others) but others could be autism, or both.

If you can afford it, a private assessment would be quicker.x.

The brain lag after someone says something is classic neurodiversity. My kids autism report says she needs extra time to process verbal questions at school because of it.

Some of this sounds like auditory processing disorder (usually associated with ADHD).