Anyone notice a difference in behaviour once someone has had counselling...I kepe hearing about strong boundaries and it's driving me bats.

[Seedlings2o25]

I had some counselling a few years ago. CBT to start with and then something different. Both seemed to be around identifying feelings and looking at how these trigger a behaviour. We did discuss boundaries, self compassion and also looked at strategies for coping with overwhelm.
I've got some lovely friends and they often confide in me which is lovely of course....and over the last year or two, some of them have started therapy. They're been telling me abiut it and of course I am super proud of them.
However, all of them seem to have been encouraged to write their own 'manifesto' along with their boundaries and what they expect moving forward.
(None of this directly affected me in any heavy way so im not having a strop anout anything personal) but I was honestly quite horried about the selfishness of what I was shown.

Was quite literally..."I wont be doing this, I wont be doing that..and moving forward this is what I expect of every one else.
One of them has put down an absolute boundary about not having any sort of relationship with her dad's girlfriend (like NONE. She actually in her manifesto has stated that she wont see her dad again unless its alone.
I know, I know...none of my business but I know the family and happen to think she is a nice lady! Quiet and sort of sweet and homey..not at all confrontational and im cringing and what's going to happen when they reveal this list of demands.

My other friend has written something about her personal space and how she wont accept her husband going out to play rugby or socialise with his friends anymore as she isnt prepared to "baby sit" the kids as ahe "isnt his maid." (We are talking training on a wed and a match on sundays) I noted she goes to the gym, spa weekends and girly nights. Again none of my business and I didnt feel able to say too much but he is suxh a noce husband. I think he is going to be crished to be presented with this demand....so awkward.

My other friend has made some demands about her husband getting a new job that means working away, so that she can work part time.
It's not the fact that ideas are being explored....its more that there must be certain therapists with a new approach that basically writes a formula for how someone wants to live their life...not as a negotiable starting point...but as a list of absolute demands.

I am all for people feeling empowered, sticking to boundaries, exploring comfort zones and doing things to improve their mental well being but this just seems so so selfish and sad for the other people having this pushed across the table at them.

Yes I'm convinced my ex friend was encouraged by her counsellor about boundaries that basically meant betraying me after decades of friendship when I always supported her. But oddly enough still seeing her DM who didn't believe her about abuse.

All you can do is withdraw. My ex friend knows what she did to me and has marshalled others to her side. I will never forget or forgive.

My best friend of 30+ years had CBT and counselling, 6 months later she ditched me and our other friend. We were each others bridesmaids, supported each other through thick and thin. Very easy going friendship from us all, never fell out. It made absolutely no sense and 3 years later we’re still feeling a bit heartbroken from it.

Its the wild west. Its why I roll my eyes when therapy is mentioned on here as some sort of magic, certain, fix for all sorts of things

The confidence that people have in 'therapy' and psychiatry, counsellors, therapists, its not much further on than sooth sayers and mediums of old (although they're still around)

You can have as many certificates and qualifications as you like but its hugely subjective and almost impossible to quantify as a profession. Diagnostic criteria for any number of things changes all the time from MH issues to ND traits, PDs the whole lot.

The most dangerous people I have met are court expert instructed psychiatrists. Their words are not questioned, they're god and many unfortunately are quite simply nuts.

These are the people 'supporting' your friend OP!

The only people I know who have gone to be counsellors have poor mental health and aren’t the wisest people. (Yes I am sure many of you know brilliant ones). It’s all very selfish and lacking in insight isn’t it?

To friend who is demanding her DP stop going to Rugby because 'she isn't his maid' and she isn't prepared to 'babysit', I'd suggest he attend therapy and demand she stop going to the gym as 'he isn't her butler' and he isn't prepared to 'babysit'.

I often find people with particularly strong boundaries are purely thinking about themselves. Life is give and take. It's a society, a community and no one is ever going to get everything they want. These selfish people are setting themselves up to not be able to function in society as people will only put up with this sort of thing for a short time. Boundaries only work if there's some flexibility within them e.g. someone might have a boundary to always finish work at 5pm but they should be flexible if a colleague is nearing breaking point and needs a hand.

I think a lot depends on the qualities and qualifications of counsellors. Mine was clearly very experienced and insightful, and the sessions focused on exploring feelings, motivations, needs etc rather than telling me what to do or offer ‘set recipes’ for self-improvement or setting boundaries.

In contrast, I have a friend who became a counsellor who really, really shouldn’t have. I’m sure there are a lot of these about.

It’s also possible that some clients, especially if they are new to therapy, misinterpret what they are being told and/or come away with unrealistic expectations.

Thanks for the replies!
When I had some "help" I felt I was quite gently guided through some very difficult situations involving abuse, dv, all sorts.
At no point was I advised to write out a list of my "boundaries" in any sort of aggressive way or be encouraged to stick rigidly to an inflexible manifesto (when actually funnily enough,maybe some pf these situations really might have been better managed if id understood about exploring boundaries

Obviously im not going to always know what's going on behind closed doors with my friends or family...although do get a lot of detail and we have or did have,a lot of trust between us and im lucky I think, to be trusted by thrm with these dilemmas....and although admittedly one person's drama or life changing manifesto may well be a situation that another may well breezE through without a thought......I cant help but think about the lack of context, the "absolutes" and the almost domineering game of charades....where the "injured" party isnt encouraged to talk to the other person or hear their story, yet gets slapped with quite an aggressive list that I cant see is necessary or even healthy.
Gotta say....if my partner out the blue, presented me with a list like the three ive seen, is honeslty feel as though it could start the end of the relationship.
I honeslty don't think the friends have even spoken to their partners so this is going to be quite hurtful for the relationship. I hope im wrong x

The word ‘boundaries’ has helped so many people and fucked as many over. I think it’s overused but also helps some people.

I think counselling can make you very selfish as its all about whats best for you and screw everyone else. Real life isn't like that

On the other hand it can be really useful for those of us who were conditioned by their upbringing to be people pleasers…

Thanks for the replies!
When I had some "help" I felt I was quite gently guided through some very difficult situations involving abuse, dv, all sorts.
I think it was suoer helpful without causing dramatics for everyone around me.

At no point was I advised to write out a list of my "boundaries" in any sort of aggressive way or be encouraged to stick rigidly to an inflexible manifesto (when actually funnily enough,maybe some of these situations really might have been better managed if id understood about exploring boundaries better!

Obviously im not going to always know what's going on behind closed doors with my friends or family...although do get a lot of detail and its lovely in some ways to be trusted by them with these dilemmas....and although admittedly one person's drama or life changing manifesto may well be a situation that another may well breezE through without a thought......I cant help but think about the lack of context, the "absolutes" and the almost domineering game of charades....where the "injured" party isnt encouraged to talk to the other person or hear their story, yet gets slapped with quite an aggressive list that I cant see is necessary or even healthy.
Gotta say....if my partner out the blue, presented me with a list like the three ive seen, is honeslty feel as though it could start the end of the relationship.
I honeslty don't think the friends have even spoken to their partners so this is going to be quite hurtful for the relationship. I hope im wrong x

I agree with this actually....learning to put boundaries in is healthy. I was brought up a people pleaser, developed a stutter...very anxious too.
Maybe that's what this sort of approach is aimed at...rather than someone who wants to learn to approach their husband about his rugby practice (obviously there is more to it than this so forgive my flippancy) I know my friend hasnt mentioned anything to her husband at all...and is sort of all hyper about presenting him this list. 😣

Im actually making myself nervous now incase im next on the list 😮