If we're being objective about who to marry...

[Coastingby]

The thread about marrying for money got me thinking and it has occurred to me that sound mental health is one of the most important things in a spouse.

I know that can change over time, but it's very difficult to be successfully married to someone with fragile MH, which will present challenges in all areas of life, from financial to practical?

Yes. It sounds harsh but you're not wrong.

I agree.

Cruelty. I know so many women married to cruel men.

So empathy is the characteristic.

But I do see the logic. I dated a lot of mentally unwell men in my teens and 20s and marrying them would have been a mistake.

I agree with this generally
but its hard to filter.

Some of the most dangerous personality disorders are surprisingly attractive on the surface. My dad was charming, successful, strong, ambitious, intelligent. Narcissistic Personality Disorder at its best. Until my mum was far along in her pregnancy. Then he turned into someone else entirely. And now my sister has it and its destroyed my mum. So....

A lot of this stuff is genetic.
A man with an eating disorder might seem weaker, less able to take charge and less confident than someone with NPD/BPD, but NPD/BPD has a stronger genetic link.

But yeah generally If someone is obviously mentally ill then probably best to avoid and hope they get help they need

I think we need to make a distinction here between someone with an uncontrolled mental illness and no insight, and someone with a diagnosis but who understands it fully and does what they can to stay well.
I’d rather marry the latter than someone successful but with a mean streak, racism, homophobia, snobby (inverse or regular) etc, tbh. Those are major red flags for me.

I dont know. Managed definitely better than unmanaged, but ime these things tend to escalate regardless in periods of stressful life events, which is just when you need your partner stable.

We have a couple of friends who have seriously mentally unwell partners and we have seen the life drawn from them over time. The constant excuses to explain why their partners aren't here, or why they can't attend a wedding or important event. Why they've suddenly dropped out of something that's been planned for weeks. Worse is when the well partner goes out and ends up leaving early.

This isn't just agoraphobia, it's depression and anxiety and eating disorders that destroy lives. I of course have sympathy for the lovely people who suffer with it every day but it's no way to live to be a carer to someone who isn't there. It's comparable to dementia and alzheimers in some cases

Totally agree. I went out with a man who had clinical depression.

Never, ever, EVER again.