Help me think through what's "fair" financially

[Coastingby]

I married very young and from day one all our money was joint. We both had access to it all and financial decisions were discussed and agreed. In reality, I managed it, and he'd ask me what we could afford or I'd tell him to rein in the regular coffees if things were tight. I'm not sure I'd have been as comfortable with it the other way around.

If he were to move in here it would very much be my house still. Neither of us would want or expect that to change. He's not in a position to buy something, even between us. This is a reason why we haven't lived together before.

So the house is mine. Does he pay "rent" ,maybe equivalent to a room in a shared house locally, or is more he pays his share (half?) of the bills?

I'm also concerned that with the house being mine, all the responsibility for taking care of it falls to me. Financially that's probably as it should be, but in terms of labour, I imagine it will grate?

How do others set things up?

Are you saying your husband has never lived with you?

No sorry, different men. DH died a long time ago. DP might move into my house.

Your post is very unclear OP. Half of the important information is missing.

Missed a vital part of the story there @Coastingby 😂

How long have you revelled in having your own home to yourself @Coastingby?

eta; " He's not in a position to buy something, even between us"

I'd seriously consider a re-think, especially if finances are unequal.

I wouldn't move him in!

I could see where the mistake was OP, but you want to edit that or delete and repost otherwise this thread will be 2000 posts not understanding your situation.

Big chunk of important information missing here! How long have you been with new partner, what is his financial situation (income, property ownership, pension)? How many DC on both sides (his and yours) and what ages are they? Are you intending to marry ever? Have joint DC? Do you work, how does your salary compare to his?

Personally I'd say if it's a reasonably new relationship and he has an average/reasonable income similar to yours, he should pay you the lower of what a room in a shared house locally would cost or £625 per month (the government tax-free allowance for a lodger). This should enable him to save towards either property ownership of his own one day (either an investment property or at a future stage you could consider him buying a share of your home and becoming tenants in common) or equivalent financial stability through other investments.

I'd set up a joint account purely for shared costs like bills, food/groceries, entertainment, holidays, meals out etc and you should contribute to this either 50:50 or in proportion to income if there's a big disparity. Everything else i.e. savings and fun money/discretionary spending keep separate. Then you definitely don't have to worry about micro-managing one another's coffee habits or whatever and if either of you do have DC you can keep spending on and saving for them entirely separate. All maintenance of the property (financially speaking, not meaning housework) should be your responsibility.

Housework I would say should be shared 50:50 as a baseline, regardless of who owns the property you would both live there so should take equal responsibility for cleaning etc. I would possibly vary that if one of you works very part-time it might be reasonable for that person to do slightly more (although not if they have care of pre-school children to fill their time), or if one of you has a mammoth commute to work or has a significant health condition they maybe should do slightly less...

I think why he’s not in a position to buy himself is material. If he already has a house but his children are in it, that’s different than if he’s not solvent. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who isn’t my financial equal as our priorities and aspirations would be unlikely to align, so if he’s a comparatively low earner or in debt/financially feckless I wouldn’t even date him, let alone live together.

I would either go with rate of a room in a shared house or half of bills, whichever is higher. In terms of labour, I think the general household routine tasks of cleaning, cooking etc should be 50/50 as that would exist wherever you lived. Anything that is a "home owner" job like repairs should be yours to do or pay for. It might be nice if he helped you with a bit of painting or something in the way a partner might but I think the bulk of the work and costs of maintaining the house are on you.

He has a good income, but has had a couple of things that basically meant he had to start over again from scratch. Now too old to realistically have prospects of saving a deposit and getting a mortgage.

How old is he, how old are you?
Do you both work? What's the income of each of you
How much are the bills
Hard to say what's fair without any info

Do either of you have children? Do you still have a mortgage?

Im not sure what you mean by labour? Do you mean maintenance? Or day to day stuff like gardening, cleaning etc?

Both middle aged. I have adult children, he doesn't.

Re labour mean both, day to day chores, the garden and maintenence and decorating etc. which I appreciate may not be the same answer for all.

I'd expect him to contribute to the "man power" of day-to-day housekeeping and property maintenance but not contribute financially if he's paying "rent". He'd effectively be a paying lodger.

I feel like if I loved someone enough to move them in I wouldn’t charge rent. I’d expect as someone who lives there and contributes to wear and tear, they would be an active participant in minor upkeep stuff like garden, household stuff, replacing things that needed replacing, like boilers, washing machines etc.

Equal contribution to all bills like food, utilities etc.

As you say, people will have different views.

I wouldn't charge him rent and bills. I'm wondering if rent/keep like my sons pay keeps things more simple than a discussion about what things actually cost.

How old are you?

I would be very wary of cohabiting with someone who had very few assets in old age.

No sorry, different men. DH died a long time ago. DP might move into my house.

What a bizarre OP-there is literally no mention of this being a different man!