Feel like a failure in life and a social outsider!

[Benny91]

As I’m feeling like this right now at age 32.

This is my life story by the way coming up…

To start with I didn’t do well at school. I also grew up in deep poverty with my mum who refused to work, also having her Jobseekers stopped multiple times and always having utility meters on the emergency credit, sometimes even for a few days having no electricity or gas! We both even survived on food banks! Also I was constantly bullied and this lead to me having very low self esteem. I then had learning difficulties for which lead to me leaving school with GCSE’s of E, F & G’s. I then went to college and then studied functional skills level 1, for which obviously I got a level 1. So I couldn’t do A levels. While also at college I studied construction skills level 2, for which when I left I was 19 and had to pay for courses, so had to go straight into full time work! Also in my childhood and even now at 32 I have no friends! I’ve only really had acquaintances and it’s always me who has to make contact even with my so called ‘family’ who never visit or contact me, I could be dead for all they know! It’s only my dad and stepmum who actually only visit me and my girlfriend.

Leaving college at 19 I did full time labouring on building sites for 8 years, during this time I passed my driving test at the older age of 24! Having only got my first car at 25. While I was 24 I lost my virginity and had my first girlfriend (which lasted 3 weeks!) and first kiss too. I then at 26 met my now girlfriend of nearly 7 years on POF. We’ve also been living together for over 6 years and are buying our first house next year, however I haven’t got engaged to her yet and we haven’t started trying for kids yet! 😬 so now going to leaving my labouring job I became a Bus driver just before turning 30 and have doing it for nearly 3 years. However the public give me judgmental loser looks as I feel like one for doing so as a long term job.

My mum is now in a care home with early stages of dementia at the age of 67. I do have a much older brother and sister, but to them she is dead to them, due to what happened with my mum and with the domestic abuse and divorce when I was only 2 years old.

I’ll be 33 next year and look at people my age and their lives are so much better than mine. They’ve done so well for themselves, they’re all mostly married and have kids and are in high status jobs with good pay with loads of friends. While their is me as a bus driver earning 38K driving a 2017 Vauxhall Corsa, living with a girlfriend of nearly 7 years and the only thing to look forward to is buying a house next year.

Also to add I can’t swim, having no confidence in the water. I have tried swimming lessons recently and it’s no luck for me.

what do you all think of me?

You're doing amazingly! You've worked hard, got a great job, you're on the way to buying a home. You had a tough start in life and you've made something of yourself! You sound like you need to build up your confidence though. Does your partner build you up? I hope so but I'm worried that maybe she puts you down instead - you don't say so, but I'm struggling to see why you are so negative about yourself?

I wouldn’t say it’s a great job as where I live in Surrey I’ve had judgemental looks towards me because strangers see me driving a bus and look at me with pity. Also my girlfriend has been very supportive for me.

I think you have achieved a lot from a difficult start and you should be very proud of yourself.
Don’t take for granted the fact you have managed to hold down a job and sustain a long term relationship, there are plenty of people out there who don’t manage either. Honestly if my kids (who have had a much easier ride so far) are in your position when they are 30 I will be pleased and relieved.

I think there is a good chance you are misinterpreting the way people look at you as ‘judgemental loser’ looks. Mostly they are probably thinking about something completely different and you are assuming it’s about you when it’s not. In any case, if they are, they are the losers, not you. You are doing an important, necessary job that takes a degree of skill and makes the world a better place. If anyone looks down on you for that they are a twat and you don’t need to care about their opinion.

There will always be people out there who are more successful than you. Some of them will be happier, others won’t. Don’t compare. Remember people at any level will be comparing- there are people on £100k who feel like they’re failures because they’re not on £200k. 🤷‍♀️

I’m sorry about your mum. That sounds really hard to deal with x

It actually sounds like you're doing fine.

In a nice relationship and about to buy a home? You're doing better than most.

But what you need it intrinsic happiness. Find out what actually makes you happy and what you actually want, then work backwards in how you get it.

You want kids? Great, but yes you should begin trying as the older you get the more risks and less motility your sperm has.

Are you happy in your relationship? Does she want children?

Is that what you truly want, or what you think you are supposed to do?

What @TheCountessofFitzdotterel said.

Also, I’m 53 and can neither drive nor swim. I don’t regard myself as in any way a ‘loser’. When I was 33 I didn’t own a property either, and I only married and had a child at 39, entirely by choice.

Are you happy in your relationship? Do you want to marry her and have children? Do you want friends?

You are doing fine! Despite what sounds like a very hard start in life you're working and contributing to society, and maintaining a relationship.
You might benefit from some help to build self esteem though (honestly, those people aren't looking at you with pity when you're driving the bus, they're too busy thinking about their own stuff). Then work out what you want in the rest of your life.

I did everything a little bit later in life because of a rough start but I’m now in my 40s with a supportive partner and two lovely DCs. One of the things that has really helped me is not caring what people think anymore. I love this quote:

’You'll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.’

You’re not a failure. You’ve achieved so much already and there’s much more to come!

Your life sounds good to me.

The friends you compare yourself to probably had a lot more support behind them when they were young. Deposits for homes, lots of day to day help and support, advice from people who know things, etc.

You’ve done all this by yourself, that’s something to be proud of.

It sounds like your doing great!

You have a good, stable job. Your buying a house, you have a longterm partner. You drive a car (and a 2017 corsa is a decent car). All of that from what sounds like a very difficult upbringing

I've never seen anyone pity a bus driver, why would they? I think that's your own self esteem talking.

While their is me as a bus driver earning 38K driving a 2017 Vauxhall Corsa, living with a girlfriend of nearly 7 years and the only thing to look forward to is buying a house next year.

That's not bad for 33.

33 I was buying first house and no car - and DH and I did well academically- we felt very behind as area we lived most didn't do uni and went into workplace much earlier so bought houses earlier and at time made massive difference to what they paid. DH was earning less - took pay cut to get industry experince and with two kids have never been as poor before or since as sadly first house also turned into money pit and had about 5 years where everything went wrong - wasn't till moved here years later felt much better.

I think it's common to worried this sort of age - Julius Caesar wept before a statue of Alexander the Great at age 33 because he felt he had accomplished nothing significant by that age, while Alexander had already conquered many nations.

You earn more than me and I have two degrees 🤷🏻‍♀️

You should feel proud of what you’ve achieved. I wonder if your low self esteem is making you feel people are judgemental because everyone would agree that driving a bus is a respectful job.

Sadly we aren’t always given the best start to life but you are on the right track and most 30 year olds haven’t bought their own house let alone have children.

When you have children they will be very lucky to have a parent who’s worked so hard in life.

Me too! You're doing fine OP. We can't all be investment bankers and lawyers. You've got a job, despite leaving school with only basic qualifications, you support yourself, you've got a partner, who sounds great, you're going to buy a house. You should be really proud of all you've achieved after a start in life that would've floored many people. But the pity party has to stop. Hold your head high!

You sound like the opposite of a failure to me. Look at the resilience, pragmatism and creativity you’ve shown in how you’ve approached your career(s!) and relationships. Honestly if my son grew up to have your qualities, I’d be so proud.

It may be that the reason others appear to you to have more success is because they have had significant family help. Sadly one of the unfairnesses of life is that those with wealthy backgrounds are given financial advantages which enable them to buy assets or have a better quality of life. It sounds like that hasn’t been the case for you. I wish you a long and happy life with your girlfriend, and with your children, if you want them.

If you were my child I’d be so proud of you. I’d just be a little sad that you didn’t feel proud too.

I’ve never looked down at a bus driver. I can’t reverse a trailer! Buses are huge you must have got all the training and tests to get a bus licence and have good space awareness, every day at junctions making judgements about when to go. You must be very responsible, you must have good timekeeping, you work with the public (I’m sure there will have been a few unexpected things to deal with) you provide a much needed service that reduces cars on the road, good for environment - I could go on

I’m over 10 years older than you and always feel a bit of a fraud in my work. Past 4 years I’ve started being involved in exams / interviews for new students (in a very small way - 3 days per year) it has really helped my confidence, I’m not really sure why, it’s not hard to do but was a step out of comfort zone. Maybe seeing people so keen to do my job made me appreciate mine a bit more.

I make almost all the effort with my family. Always have, it gets me down sometimes but then at least I see them on my terms and actually I’m quite independent. One of my brothers rings me a few times a year but I found out last year that his partner makes him!

Anyway I hope you get some good feedback on your post. You write really well, I feel like we met.