Am I hanging onto a dead relationship or am I ungrateful?

[ChasingRainbows8]

I am feeling very unsettled at the moment and I am seriously considering ending my relationship of 13 years, we also have two children ages 3 and 4. It's been a difficult year, my dad died, my friend ended her life and I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's made me think of the life I want and how different that is from the life I have.

I will start with the reasons I feel stuck. DP is very unemotional, some might say cold in how he communicates. He has issue saying "I love you" won't say it at all and also with saying "sorry". I was aware of this when we began our relationship but at the start we did have a huge amount of sexual chemistry. I have always done lots of activities, outings and hobbies with my friends as DP very much likes to stay at home. Which means if we do anything family wise, I will always have to persuade him and to arrange everything.

At the start of the year I thought I'd try to improve our relationship by doing something together every month. One month I would plan something and the next would be his turn. He never planned anything at all.

If I try to communicate my need for more affection or to discuss anything I am unhappy with he completely shuts down and stonewalls me. I really tried to make him listen a couple of weeks ago after I was diagnosed with cancer, the morning after that discussion he was very affectionate. It lasted for one morning.

Now the good, this is why I feel ungrateful. He is a great dad, he went part time at work to do the childcare while the children are little. He does more than his share of housework and tends to a large garden. I think we make a very good team when parenting the DC. We can have a good time together, although this is less likely these days. We do get along, we complement each other in life. He just doesn't compliment me!

I guess I am wondering is this enough? There is no big scandal, no abuse, no fights that would make me instantly end the relationship. Just a loneliness inside me.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in March. It changes you, it makes you see EVERYTHING in a different light and I found it a massive kick up the arse to live my life how I wanted to x

It sure does make your perspective change. I hope things are going well for you x

I don't think you're wrong for wanting more from life - I do think before making the decision to split you could give it a last-ditch attempt to get through to him?

Tell him how lonely you feel, that you need love and affection and a partner who wants to invest his time and effort into improving your relationship. Your partnership is the bedrock of your family - if he loves his children and wants to keep his family together, he needs to prioritise making the relationship work. You can ask him to go to couples counselling with you, because you want to explore how you can both be happier and more fulfilled.

If he is unwilling to really take on board that you can't carry on like this then you can make plans to separate. Life is too short to spend it feeling lonely in your relationship.

Wishing you a full and speedy recovery OP 🙏

I’m sorry to hear about your tough year.
Remember he can be a great dad but not the right man for you x

I am going to start some counseling for me, he would never agree, it would be his worst nightmare opening up to a therapist.

You are entitled to end a relationship. Your reasons are valid.

But, I say this with kindness @ChasingRainbows8…is your DP the primary carer for the dc? Be very careful with any decisions you make. If you do decide to split, are you the one that would be expected to leave the family home?

You have had 3 massive, life changing events in this past year. One event on its own would be more than enough to knock you sideways. But 3 is massive.

I think the counselling idea on your own may be the right way to go. It might give you the time and space you need to get well and work on your next steps.

It's something I would definitely need to consider with the DC, thank you for the insight. I have booked in to start some counselling next week, hopefully it can help me process some things properly. I don't want to jump into any huge decisions.

He sounds like my husband. When I asked for more emotional support and emphasised I couldn’t go on, and it would end in divorce, he went with ‘what a shame, I never thought we’d divorce.’.

It was inconceivable to him that he could be different. This was him. As he is. No ability to try anything different.

Pretty sure he’s ND. DS1 is too. All the family are. Emotional intelligence, for them, is an inexplicable concept. Like being colour blind. Not saying that’s true for all ND people, or that all emotionally inadequate husbands are ND, obviously.

For me, what helped, was understanding that I would never be able to rely on him for my emotional support and that I needed to be independent. I found my support elsewhere, and we get along very well now I don’t ask him for something he has no comprehension of.

This is so similar to how I have managed the relationship, I make sure I have my hobbies, my friends etc. I think with young children this then leaves him with the DC more, purely because he is happy to be at home all of the time. I do solo activities with the DC on a weekend. Practically as long as he had somewhere to live I think he would be quite ambivalent about a break up. He is very black and white in his thinking, if something is done then he can box that part away and carry on doing his own thing.

So, my experience of 35 years, should you decide to stay with him…
the sooner you learn to manage the situation the happier you will both be. He will improve when you stop bewildering him with your confusing and unreasonable and erratic expectations. He will also get worse/better when life gets more or less stressful. He may well be a good companion.

However, you will always end up managing his moods and stress levels. When tragedy strikes you will support him in dealing with it, and you will manage yourself. And he will be oblivious to both his failure to support you and the work you do to support him.

And you will have times when you feel very lonely unless you invest massively in a biggish friendship group. One that includes single parents.

DH is practically quite supportive, and works very hard around the house and in his job. However he only does things he thinks need doing/are important. So the floor will get vacuumed relentlessly, but things won’t be tidied away and bathrooms won’t be cleaned. But the floor will be done several times a week.

"However, you will always end up managing his moods and stress levels. When tragedy strikes you will support him in dealing with it, and you will manage yourself. And he will be oblivious to both his failure to support you and the work you do to support him"

^ this jumped off the page to me @PrizedPickledPopcorn - I'm seriously ill and in this relationship.

@ChasingRainbows8 I think individual counselling for you is a really good starting point. You must really need the support and your H is never going to give it. It's fine to take some time to think about your needs and to consider options. It's okay to take the time you need to plan and prepare if you decide to leave. I wish you all the best with your treatment. Please focus on your own needs, as your H will only ever focus on his.