Christmas and MIL in poor health - AIBU?

[SixtySomerhing]

MIL just returned home after six weeks in hospital, four in hospice but (and I quote) "she didn't die as we expected so we are sending her home" I feel terrible for saying this but now feel like Christmas (my favourite season) is forever going to be tarnished because there are only three possibilities now. She will pass away at home in the next few weeks, or she will be in hospital for Christmas and we will all be there of course, or she will be at home (very close to us) and we will be expected to provide B&B for all the rest of the family to visit.
This is in the context of the past two years being just awful (DH diagnosed with a brain tumour - currently stable - and FIL passing away in April) so I'd hoped for a calm and peaceful Christmas this year
I am very fond of MIL and glad she's still here so feel bad for feeling this way but am so upset about the prospect of the next couple of months being just awful and with the burden of care falling mostly on us/me I can't stop crying. AIBU?

You need to think practically

Who else could be around? Does DH have siblings? Because you firmly explain that DH has a brain tumour and MIL will need to be a shared care responsibility

It’s one Christmas, whatever happens if you decide that this Christmas will hang over you forever that is up to you.

And channel your Christmas spirit the other Christmas spirit - of family and love and time together. And remember that MIL would probably prefer not to be this burden hanging over Christmas that this is likely by the sounds of it her last one. If you were facing your last Christmas what would you want?

I get your concerns -my mum dies a week before Christmas, but whilst it’s a tough time for your family you have to try to not let the “what ifs” spoil the whole season for you…take it a day at a time, you’ll get there

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time and this must seem very unfair. At the moment you’re thinking the worst but as pp said just take one day at a time and ask for support where you can.

This says it all . There is no need for this Christmas to tarnish all your future christmases .

Yes, you are BU sadly. You don’t have to put everyone up if you don’t want to, but making it sound like your MIL is an inconvenience at a time of year when we’re supposed to think about others less fortunate than ourselves is a bit rich.

You can say no to some of this stuff. You don't have to be the Airbnb and the caterer for the family. You can say you've had enough this year and it's too much for you and sorry but folk will have to make their own arrangements. Time to advocate for you and your immediate family. If you've got to the point of not being able to stop crying then it's gone too far.

Of course you're not being unreasonable, it sounds like you've been through so much. Try not to focus on Christmas too much, this will pass and Christmas will still be a thing.

It’s fine to express disappointment, frustration etc here but you know yabu. She still may not make Christmas, and what will be will be. Christmas is only a date in the calendar, focus on making her last days on this earth good ones then you can enjoy time as a family once it’s time

You don’t have to be a B&B for the rest of the family to visit if you can’t cope with it - tell them to book a hotel, local B&B, perhaps some of them could get together and rent an Airbnb/holiday cottage nearby.

The good thing in this situation is that you can plan. Have a think about shared care responsibilities, any other family members? And also carers?

I say this as we had the same last year with my Nan, only totally unplanned. She collapsed on the 23rd with a twisted bowel. She’s 88. Hospital said it would be cruel to operate, given how frail she was, and by Christmas Eve we were called up to go and say goodbye. I was hosting for the first time, kids were excited (albeit teens), and Nan’s dinner place was set. I didn’t want to be saying goodbye to my Nan on Xmas Eve, nor did I want my children to say goodbye either. So I spoke to her on the phone, told her I loved her, and told her to stop being so bloody awkward as dying on Xmas Eve or Xmas day was incredibly rude. She laughed, told me she would try not to die…and she didn’t. They operated Xmas day.

This all altered our plans for the “perfect” Christmas and it was crazy hectic. My mum, whilst also terribly upset about her mum, had to ferry my grandad around to the hospital on Xmas day. She wanted to spend time with her grandchildren but couldn’t split herself in two. You have time to plan all of this in advance.

Perhaps write a list of what needs to be done, and when. Who can visit MIL on Xmas day, and for how long. What are your essentials that you need to do in order to still enjoy Xmas? What are DH needs? Then you can try plan the day best you can.

It’s an unfortunate situation but these things happen. Despite all the sadness and worry about by Nan, we did manage to have a good day. I got my grandad fed, I made sure the kids didn’t open all their presents without my mum there, and I myself planned to take my children to see their great-nan on Boxing Day, which we did.

My Nan didn’t “die as expected”. She turns 89 in a weeks time. Try make the most of it OP.

No matter what time of the year your MIL dies, Christmas is always hard, especially the first one post death. Great post from @itsallabitofamystery

I understand the frustration.

I get how frustrated you feel, and probably very sad too.
You cannot control some things, such as how MIL progresses, but you can control others - you don't have to spend the whole time around her bed and you can say no to having folks to stay. You're allowed to set boundaries.

Who says we're supposed to only think of those less fortunate though? OP can set boundaries for her own well being.

A lot of us are going through similar things and I can sympathise. But don't provide B&B for a start. Make that very clear and don't give in to pleading/manipulation. The rest is out of your control and no one would blame you for having a low key Christmas.

"I'm sorry, but we won't be able to put people up (maybe insert a reason related to your DH's condition, if it's credible) Here are some links to reasonably priced hotels nearby"

My relative was in this position in September but didn’t actually die till the very end of February.
I would give potential house guests a list of local hotels. And I would also investigate care homes - end of life care is an awful lot for you to take on at home when your DH isn't 100% himself.

So many great thoughts thanks for taking the time to reply and to straighten up my thinking and feeling on this xxx

Sorry you’ve all been having such a shitty time (to say the least!) 💐