Craving affection, only seem to get it when he wants sex

[Luanaa]

I’m feeling quite down about this. I’m quite a physical person, I like physical affection; hugging, cuddling, random kisses etc.

DH is not - he enjoys it and wouldn’t necessarily push me away but he just doesn’t instigate it. He does however, when he wants sex… so obviously the fact that he CAN show affection, but only for that purpose, makes me feel like it’s only ever for one reason and almost leaves me feeling a bit closed off and a bit used, if that makes sense?

I appreciate that some people just aren’t very touchy and it might not come naturally to him, but it’s starting to push me away a little.

It’s been a little while since we last DTD and we’re ‘due’ to have sex, but I couldn’t bare the thought of him making the move tonight despite not going near me at all for the past week or so, not even a little kiss or hug.. so instead I got in there first and explained how I felt. He just said ‘ok, I get it’ and went off to bed in a bit of a huff. He is probably disappointed that we won’t be doing anything tonight but I genuinely can’t until he shows some care and love towards me.

The lack of affection makes it feel as though 99% of the time we are house mates living together and 1% a couple (just before and during sex).

Any advice? Am I being over sensitive?

No I don’t think you are. It is incredibly common for one partner to need to feel physically loved and intimate in order to have sex, while the other needs sex to feel intimate/affectionate. It’s why the classic exercise from Relate used to be to say to a couple to take sex off the table completely but to be physically affectionate - to take away that barrier where the sex-driven partner interprets any physical touch as the start of sex, whereas the touch-driven partner shuts down when any touch heads straight into sexual territory in a rush.

Id start by saying that neither of you is in the wrong, but it’s still going wrong. And presumably you both do want to have good sex?

I wish sometimes that people would score their arousal from 0 (not thinking about sex at all) to 10 (orgasm) and would say what level they were each at, at various stages. My guess is that your partner is at 3 or 4 before he even kisses you, and jumps to 6 or 8 as soon as he does, whereas you are still somewhere between 0 and 1 for quite a while. Could you talk to him about that?

It’s also true that women aren’t encouraged to think about their own arousal, or to do things to increase it off their own bat. Would texting during the day help? I always find words really arousing. What thoughts, textures, experiences put you in the mood? Could you do some of those without him?

Thank you @PermanentTemporary that was helpful to read and absolutely spot on! One kiss he is ready to jump straight into bed and gets excited, whereas I need at least 15 minutes to warm up and then ideally another 10-15 minutes of foreplay (sorry if tmi!), so we are currently on complete different wave lengths in that respect. To be honest over recent months i’ve just rolled with the lack of intimacy, lack of foreplay and just DTD to keep him happy and if I do happen to orgasm, great… but if I’m being truthful I can have a much better time just by myself!

It isn’t just about the sex side of things though, I generally just want and need him to show more random affectionate behaviour (even if it’s just a hug and a quick peck on the cheek when he returns home), so that we have small moments of closeness. Otherwise, like I said, it feels it’s only being done to almost ‘win me over’ when he wants sex.

I guess I’d say to him, could he try to enjoy being at 6 or whatever level of arousal he’s at, without feeling it has to go anywhere fast? How about if sex just looked like that, both of you enjoying a sensual hour, without it ending with orgasm? So, sexier than just cuddling, but not marching inevitably to penetration like the army.

Of course you went along with it. A lot of us do. It can be exciting in its own way to be swept along like that. But it gets old as you say when you feel starved of touch otherwise.

What about if you get braver and do initiate more touching, without getting involved in sex unless you want to? Be honest about what you’re doing, but go ahead. Do you think he would respond at all?