Elderly Dad …ongoing Care…Help a very frazzled daughter please !!

[Kevinbaconsrealwife]

Hi all and I wonder if you can help me…

before I start my post , the reason that I haven’t put this in Elderly Parents is because I’ve asked a question on there before and got literally one reply…so posting for traffic and some very straightforward responses please…..be kind, I’ve never been through anything like this before and I’m an exhausted, frazzled , menopausal , mid fifties woman with a lovely husband whose job is majorly at risk …oh and I very nearly died back in August ….im not being dramatic …that’s what nearly happened….so here goes….i will be as brief as I can be…

my darling dad is 84, I am 54…this year his physical health has “ fallen off a cliff”…. He is now doubly incontinent , cannot make even a cup of tea, let alone a meal…he can’t dress himself or toilet himself and has spent the last 3 weeks in hospital following several falls….he is mentally “ ok” , not as sharp as he was. 6 months ago but definitely not got dementia ( that we are aware of) he understands what’s being said , if very hard of hearing…for the past 2 years I have looked after him at home with the help of friends ….

he has gone into short term rehab today and adult social care have rang me and sent me info,….if anyone can answer me the following questions I would be beyond grateful…

he will need ( and he wants) to be looked after in a care home setting and NOT at home anymore as he is a massive Fall risk and knows “ the time has come”

he owns his own home but took equity release 8 years ago and had a good spend on holidays, gave his grandchildren money, cars etc…not a huge amount but he wanted us all to benefit while he was alive and to have the joy of seeing it…..if the house sells tomorrow there would be approx £40-£42,000 equity which any care home is welcome to…. How do I go about even starting the selling process? ( I am his LPA)

we share a joint account ( I’m an only child)which he added me to 8 years ago…we have a combined total of around £20,000 in it….can social care take “ my half” into account when doing financial assessment ?

his state and private pensions come in at just under £2000 a month…

can anyone please help me and talk me through “ what happens next”…

I love my dad with every beat of my heart and want to do the right thing….im not in any way able myself to help with “ top ups”

thank you in advance wise women of MN xxx sorry for any shit spelling or punctuation , I’m just knackered…

Has his capacity been checked? It's not a black and white thing, it can fluctuate day to day or even hourly. Invoke the LPA, organising admin and finances is much easier with it.

WRT homes, I started by going on the CQC website and using their search engine. Then started visiting. I got lucky and settled on the second one I visited. It was for respite, but parent was there for six weeks and loved it.

I feel your pain @Kevinbaconsrealwife and support you in your endeavours. Nothing prepares you for how tough it is. I want my relationship to go back to daughter/parent not carer, but that's never going to happen now. By the time they go into a home, they won't know who I am.

If you haven't already done so, look at bio identical HRT. It unfrazzled things a bit for me.

Unless written in a very specific way financial LPA is not related to capacity. Welfare LPA is.

Hi op. This is all very stressful and I know I could end up with similar issues to deal with down the line. My mum is 94 and still living, more or less, independently at home. I'm wondering, we ould it be possible to rent your dad's house out when he moves into a care home. I'm thinking that the rent could pay towards his care home costs and that would use up less of his equity when his home is sold. My DM, bless her, has done nothing at all to protect any of the family home.

Thank you all so much for your all your advice and support and solidarity…..it’s clarifying things for me and I appreciate you all xx

I would strongly suggest this is a bad idea. OP would then become a landlord and need to deal with regulations and maintenance costs, and may find it hard to terminate the lease when she wants to do so