Feeling invisible since becoming a mum

[Nanase]

Lately I’ve been struggling with this overwhelming feeling that I’ve somehow disappeared since becoming a mom. My little one is 3 now, and while I love her more than anything, I can’t shake the sense that I’m not really me anymore—just “Mum.”
Before I had her, I had a career I cared about, friends I’d see all the time, and hobbies that made me feel alive. Now, it’s like every bit of my energy goes into keeping things together—work, childcare, laundry, meals, endless tidying—and I barely recognize myself some days. People ask about the baby, never about me. Even my partner means well, but I sometimes feel like we’re just flatmates managing a small human together.
I know this stage won’t last forever, and I’m grateful for what I have, but it’s lonely. I miss feeling seen and valued as myself.

I recognise this. When my dd was little, all I was was dd's mum. Someone was even rude to me for having the temerity to go out without dd.
i joined a women's group, the WI in this instance, where it was lovely to be appreciated for being me.
Have you got any local women's groups you could go to just to be sociable as you?

Can't you still see friends, have hobbies? There is life outside of motherhood but it takes a bit more effort and organising.

The “baby”
being…. 3?

😵‍💫

does your child attend nursery?

and will be starting school shortly

But don’t be a martyr op. Your child could be going to nursery if doesn’t already and that would leave you with some “me” time

But you mention work — don’t you still have a career you care about? Make time for your friends, and, as you have a partner to share evening and weekend childcare with, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t see them and/or have time to do other things you enjoy.

So do you mean you no longer work, don’t see friends and have no hobbies?

You are not invisible - you are the whole world to your child Treasure that - it will be gone soon enough and you will be looking back and wishing you could do it all again.

OP, you write
"Even my partner means well, but I sometimes feel like we’re just flatmates managing a small human together."
I don't have children, but I think it's quite normal to feel that way, and like you yourself write, it's a stage in your life right now.

What were your hobbies before you had your child? Can you get back to at least one hobby?
Are you in contact with your friends? Can you text or call them and make some plans to meet up?

Like I wrote, I don't have children, and sometimes when I talk to my friends who are parents, I make sure to ask a lot about their children, because I'm afraid that they will think that I don't care if I don't ask. But if a friend would say something like "Can we talk about something else for a while?" or steer the conversation to talk about some other subject, I would be happy about that too. I have known my friends for 25 years before they had children, so I love to talk with them about many different topics.

I agree.

I do try to see friends when I can, but it’s not as simple as it used to be — people have their own lives.

I know this is meant kindly, and I do understand that these years go fast. I really do treasure my child and the closeness we have.
But at the same time, it’s also possible to love your child deeply and still feel overwhelmed or lost in the role. Missing your own identity doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate motherhood—it just means you’re human.
I think that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t want this time to disappear; I just want to feel like me within it, not instead of it.

Jesus. I know women who are physician- researchers with small kids, and do volunteering etc

Earlier this week i did a photo shoot with one who’s a 34-year-old mother of three kids under six, a practising physician, head of various clinical trials. Always well groomed and dressed. Now an officer in a professional society, too.

you don’t HAVE to lose your identity. It’s a choice.

I work full with 2 little children. You need to find time to keep doing the things you enjoy, make an effort with appearance etc. Oh needs to be pulling his weight. With 1 child I felt like it was a doddle.

Have you shared this with your partner, OP? Does he feel similarly?

Do you no longer work? Where is your partner in all of this? Can he not have the little one once a week so you can do your hobby?

This could have described me at one point, and it WAS a choice, but let's not pretend it's just as simple as rolling out of bed in the morning. I'm glad I chose that, although it also came with sacrifices. I worked ridiculously hard, often working until 6pm, putting the kids to bed at night, and working again on my laptop until bedtime. I had and extremely hands-on partner and it could not have been done without him.

I think this naturally happens as the kids get older. I’ve always tried to still be ‘me’- kept up hobbies, went back to work, had regular social events with husband and friends etc but mine are school age now and it’s much much easier. Early motherhood is all encompassing and your priority is the kids of course so you don’t have much choice!

What exactly is it that you are wanting by happen?

SHOCKED by some of these replies to the OP. Any mother who says they’ve never felt like this or it’s a doddle is lying. I also feel completely invisible, like a ghost. The only person who sees me is my husband and a couple of friends who get it. I’ve completely lost my identity. Yes this is the most incredible, all-consuming experience of my life but it’s bloody hard. OP - I haven’t got any words of wisdom because I’m in the trenches with you, but I just wanted you to know that I SEE you.