Non-white mums on the school run - share your experience

[ChirpyPearlMoose]

I am a mixed-race person of East Asian descent. I was born and raised in England so have never really thought of myself as different to any other English person HOWEVER since I started doing the school run I’ve noticed the other mums (all white English) seem to treat me and my children differently and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of what I look like?

Some of the mums have even said that they don’t want their kids playing with ours and have invented complaints about them which the school have confirmed are complete fabrications. I can’t think of a single reason why they would do this since we are similar in every other way (similar education level, class, income, whatever). This also happened to me when I was at school.

I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt so I try to remind myself that most white English people couldn’t give a shit what someone’s ethnic background is, but unfortunately my experience has shown that many of them, including members of my own family, are (perhaps unconsciously) biased against non-white people and even if they are not in any way hateful, it does affect how they treat us.

Thoughts? Other Asian or part Asian mums, have you experienced similar?

Sorry OP this sounds completely shit for you x

What sort of area do you live in? Our area has a huge mix of ethnicities, on the school run I’d say about 50% are white with the other 50% mainly south East Asian but also black parents. It’s not even something I think about ever until your thread. Hopefully no one on our school run thinks about it either, we are all just parents.

im sorry you’re going through this

I’d prefer not to say where I am but basically, the area is 100% white British.

Maybe Your neighbors need to travel around the world a bit more 😂

If such an area exists then this post is very outing OP.

Any chance of moving them to more of a diverse school? It was one of the considerations for a lot of friends of my who are mixed/ethnic background.

I see with our DDs friends parents a lot of confusion around dietary stuff. This is sometimes used as a reason…I’m scared to invite xx round to play because nothing in my house is halal etc…even though xx actually not a muslim anyway. People are weird.

I hope it gets better for you! Life is far too short for this kind of nonsense

Hi,
It sounds like the other mums might be racist, even if subconsciously. They don’t want to have a foreign-looking person as a friend. Is your child affected? Do they have friends or are they bullied?
I think the options are:

• If child bullied or has no friends due to racism I would honestly move.
• If child not bothered, I would just be content not to make any mum friends. Maybe over time people will get to know you and warm to you.

Sorry this really sucks. I’m surprised this is happening in 2025.

I’m mixed but not Asian (black/white) and no never noticed or felt this at all but then I live in London and wouldn’t live in an area that was “100% white British”

Yes, that would be it. In London many years ago I experienced similar. In my case some were straight forward racist. Today they will be cancelled. This was in office jobs and the gym I used to go. Only people from the north of England or Irish were warmed and friendly to me those days. Luckily there were lots of people from Europe and other countries so I never felt like you which seems very hard. Or it could also even be that a mother like the Queen Bee type started a rumour and all the minions followed.

Am asian in a white area, yes we have the lurgy to a lot of the mums. Only those who are white european/ white international, reside outside of the catchment area and travel in will talk to me.

I shall now await the responses that will say how wrong I am.

Sorry to hear that OP. Some people, of any race, are racist. My son has had two Asian girlfriends (he’s white). Both were lovely and welcome in my home. My son was a secret for them as their parents were racist. One girl at his primary school was white and her best friend was a Muslim girl. She was invited for play dates many times. The invitation was always refused/ ignored by the Muslim girl’s mum. Both girls were upset and couldn’t understand why, as they were such firm friends at school.

There was a school dad (yr2- I was the class TA) who accused a Chinese girl of bullying his son (she absolutely wasn’t). He accosted her mum during drop off several times, and I had to intervene. Eventually, he was told to bring his son into school through the office instead.

He openly told me he was a member of the BNP when refusing to sign the consent form for a class trip to a mosque and cathedral.

It happens, and it’s hideous.

Hateful BNP man is now married to a beautiful woman who hails from the Philippines… 🤔

I'm incredibly shocked at this. I'm a white mum and I am absolutely disgusted that this is your experience

I will try to put this as tactfully as possible. White British people who grew up & still live in overwhelmingly white parts of the country (often small, insular rural towns) are not used to seeing or speaking to anyone from outside their own area, never mind people of different ethnicities. I grew up in such a small town myself. It may not be the case that they are racist. More likely, they simply don’t know what to say to anyone who looks ‘different’, and they may be very worried about saying the ‘wrong’ thing, or using the ‘wrong’ words & causing offence. I remember this was a very common attitude during my childhood. So the safest thing to do is to say nothing.

My area is also 100% white British. I don’t think it’s that unusual in this country?

What does that mean? Plenty of places are over 90% white British.

And just because someone lives in a white area, it doesn’t mean they’re a racist. It just means their neighbours are white

It is a bit of an assumption to assume it is because of your East Asian heritage. Could it be because you out from out of town in general, and small town people from very sheltered lives tend to stick to people they know and be wary of anyone else. The same as any small town, insular place anywhere in the world.

But the playdate thing might be for a myriad of reasons. I didn't really allow my DC to go to anyone else's house. I didn't know many of the school mums as I was working FT and so I was never comfortable with my DC going to their houses. I dont know who else lives there, lots of families in that area had big dogs, etc.

It might be nothing to so with skin colour and more to do with cultural norms.

I've seen this happen in my local area too.

I live in a rural part of Scotland which until recently was almost 100% white except for a British Asian family (Doctors) who sent their kids to a private school so their kids didn't really make friendships with local kids. The area I live in tends to have cliques of people who can trace their ancestry back to the same area for 100's of years 🙄, surprised they don't all have webbed feet.....

My family (White English) are incomers and despite us producing 3 generations we still don't really belong.

Fairly recently a family from Ghana moved to the area. The Mum came to an exercise class at the gym and everyone kept to their usual clique groups and just ignored her. (Obvs no clique group invites for me as my parents were incomers). I hate seeing anyone being left out so I had a chat with her as everyone else was being so unfriendly.

Thankfully she came back the following week and we're creating our own little 'outsider' clique.

No real answer OP but just keep smiling, be friendly and offer playdates etc.

Personally I'll be moving away once DH and I are past the caring for elderly parents time of life.

I'm in London and East Asian (British born) and I wouldn't say it's the same here. Actually, I personally have problems making connections with other mums but I don't think it's an East Asian thing as there are other East Asian mums who seem to get on just fine.

I have felt more "othered" in some locations outside of London (most places except for certain city centres) so I get what you mean.

Ibtjink it happens both ways and is sad. I live in a predominantly Muslim area and I know my white neighbours granddaughters family are very much ignored at the school gates. Just build friendships outside school. Take dc to activities. I think school mum friendships are overrated anyway!