I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom

[SaunteringDownwards]

Posting here for some support as I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low in my entire life. My mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness this time last year, and I feel like every day since then has been just an exercise in endurance. I don’t feel happiness or excitement or anything positive, I’m just in this horrible fog of dread every single day knowing what is coming. She’s only in her early sixties. I’ll be parentless in my early forties. I’ll be alone.
Ive been turning to alcohol more and more to the point that at nearly 40 years old I went out last night and behaved like an absolute imbecile. Flirting with people who absolutely were not interested, being very insistent and making them uncomfortable, getting pushy with my best friend, just an absolute horror and completely unlike myself. Everyone is upset with me and I have no idea what to say to my husband.
I have an autistic daughter who is massively struggling and my marriage is falling apart, I’m currently doing a PhD that I think I need to give up. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been posting on Mumsnet for twenty years and I just needed a safe space to get this out and admit how terribly I behaved. I’d really love some kind words right now because I am so, so sad.

OP so very sorry to read your post, things are obviously very bad for you at present.
Please ring your GP tomorrow morning, let them know how you are feeling and finding out what support is available for you physically, emotionally and medically.
You need some help dealing with all of this as it is a lot.
The thing is OP you need to try and make the best of the time you have left with your Mum (I have been in this situation with both parents). It is so, so hard but please try and enjoy the time you have.
Sending love and hugs x

You are being hard on yourself! Give yourself a break and put last night behind you. Once you''ve got a clearer head you could maybe try to tackle a few things to make your life better, for example can you take an Interruption of Study from your PhD?

Dear OP, please don't be too hard on yourself. No-one ever behaves impeccably and you are only human, as are all.of us. So what if you were a bit insistent with strangers, you were drunk and people would have made allowances for that! And I"m sure you've addressed it with your best friend already. This could be a wake up call, not to "behave yourself" but to take better care of yourself. You have a lot of life ahead of you to live still. I understand it's a very hard situation, and although this is easier said than done, you driving yourself into the ground with worry and grief will not help you or your family. I don't know you of course, but you are not alone! And your mum I'm sure appreciates all you do. Other posters may have advice here, counselling may help? Take care

I have no advice but want to offer a handhold.

Can you put pause on your PHD, even for a week or so to sort things out?

Are you working? If so, take a week off sick?

You need some life admin time. Time to be alone, clean your space, clear your head

How old is your dd? Is your husband good with her? Can he take the reins for a week?

I'm so sorry about your mum. How long does she have left?

Honestly girl, breakdowns happen to us all, ive been there and I think thats what's happening here.

Can you contact the gp tomorrow morning as the first port of call?

Then figure out an apology speech for your friends?

Your husband, I dont know, is this the only thing that's wrong?

You need a week to spend time compartmentslising. Writing down each problem and being clear on what they are, so you can decide on how to go ahead.

But if nothing else, I love mumsnet as it is just the best support. No judgement from me, ive done worse when I've been very very down. ❤️❤️

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP

The main thing you’re feeling right this minute is hangxiety. Get through today, be very very gentle with yourself. As of tomorrow any of what happened while you were drinking is consigned to the past and not worth spending any time thinking about at all. If you find yourself trying to ruminate over it, remind yourself it’s not constructive and will only make you feel shit, and your number one priority right now is to feel as OK as you can from day to day.

Get help from AA if drinking is a problem.

Find RL support from SEN parent groups as nobody gets it unless they’re living it, and it is HARD.

This is a very hard time of life. If you decide to leave / take a break from the PhD it will be because you have made the positive, considered and responsible decision to put your energy into your own wellbeing and stability and that of your family (and maybe because you’ve recognised a tendency to overestimate the time and bandwidth you have available and want to forge a more sustainable pace of life). It will NOT be because you’re a quitter, a failure, a loser, or anything else your depressed frame of mind might try to convince you to believe. It will also not mean that there will never be space for you and your ambitions / interests / hopes ever again. Steer clear of any absolutist thinking or catastrophising about the future or the past and stay anchored in what makes most sense now to make your life work as smoothly as possible.

I am so sorry about your mum - this is a lot to cope with. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

Thank you all for being so kind I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I just don’t have anyone I feel I can be honest with about how unstable I feel.

The day after drinking lots is often extra horrible. Does your husband know how you behaved? If not, are the people who do know trustworthy not to blab?

Yes I’ve been totally honest with him. He’s obviously not thrilled but being very understanding about it as he knows I’ve been struggling a lot and knows it’s completely out of character. I’d never keep something like that from him but I’m so utterly ashamed of myself.

So sorry OP, it sounds like you are coping with a lot and there's no shame in admitting that you're struggling.

If you think you need help to stop drinking, there are organisations that can help you - don't be afraid to reach out.

I also think you need to make an appointment with your GP and say that you're struggling with your mental health.

I hope your DH will see that you've acted very out of character and that you're feeling overwhelmed. If he is willing, ask him to come with you to see your GP and support you. He needs to know that you are trying to address the problem.

Finally, be kind to yourself. You're not the first to mess up and do something silly when life feels like too much. Forgive yourself and look forward - you need help, not judgement.

I'm sorry about your mum 😔 life is not fair, is it? I hope you will be able to spend lots of time with her and find some joy in doing things together while she is able 💐

Thinking of you xx

Stop drinking, its never going to help you ever.

Please try and get some counselling.
I was in the same position and just having a safe space to talk helped x

Yes, this is my next step.

Have an un- Mnetty hug! I adore my mum so I totally get how you feel.

You need some counselling and someone to vent to. Replace alcohol with exercise ( boring I know). Do you have friends who can help?