If your 14 yr old DD wasn't into typical stuff...

[ArMuinNaMuice]

Hi.
If anyone has or had a DD that wasn't into going to every disco, have latest fashion, having a boyfriend and having to be part of the popular gang... did she manage ok and how did you support her.
DD14 is just not into those things, nothing wrong with it if you are but she isn't and dabbles as much as she wants to. Her best friend has pulled away from her as she has BF and now wants to be with the popular girls so DD has no close friend and isnt in a group. I don't want DD to be what she isn't but did your DD have to pretend to be into some of those things to survive teen years? My teen years were before phones and apps so I have no clue.

DD 14 actively avoids the popular group. She's strong minded and has found a like minded group of friends with a diverse range of interests and tastes.

She knows the popular group is where the drama happens and she just isn't interested in that. All I've done is supported her to believe in her principles and have the confidence to stand up for what she believes in + herself.

There is a life outside of the popular group. Does she have any outside interests/hobbies as they can help a lot to facilitate forming friendships outside of school?

My daughters are 17 and 15 and neither has ever been into the typical stuff. They wear minimal make up, don't see the point in designer brands, don't get involved in relationships or friendship dramas, and have fairly geeky interests. One has a small, tight knit friendship group of like-minded girls, one has struggled more to find her tribe, partly due to social anxiety. I'd rather they were true to themselves than try and be something they aren't to fit in, but it is easier if you can find people like you to hang out with.

Also, I'd say that 'surviving the teenage year's is more an issue for the kids who buy in to all that stuff rather than the ones who avoid it. If you stay away from the drama entirely then you are less likely to get caught up in it.

@twistyizzy thank you. DD is the same. She doesn't want drama and bitching and hates how other girls are talked about in groups or on Snapchat. It seems so vicious for teens. I would not go back to being a teen for anything.

DD isn't allowed Snapchat for that reason. She is on the group WhatsApp but generally keeps out of it and hardly ever comments.

I hated my teen years so I'm doing everything I can to support DD through hers. I'm so thankful she found a great group of friends (5 of them) in Yr 7 and they are still BFFs today. They are great girls and there is zero drama which I think is due to the fact that they all have different interests and hobbies outside of school. They don't get their self worth from being in the cool gang.

@RenegadeKeeblerElf DD doesn't have a tribe either, was building one but friend was what connected them. Im happy that she can be her own person but its a harder path. Shes lucky she has music outside of school but deep down i know she would like a tribe or even just one person who accepts her as she is. She realised this weekend that the friend has been pulling away and has now dropped her so hope she will be ok at school this week.
Thanks for replies @twistyizzy and @RenegadeKeeblerElf its hard to watch them make their way through this stuff.

@ArMuinNaMuice I think 6th form onwards is easier as they will be with more like minded peers. Plus most kids have grown up a bit by 6th form

I know it doesn’t help but it’s refreshing to hear there are girls who are rejecting all the peer pressure activities. When I saw the title, I knew her solace would be music. This was my escape, I felt more and more alone at school but once I went to college at 16 and left all that behind I found my people. I’m old and it wasn’t as bad as now. Sad to say but I really can’t relate to my 12-year-old niece who is all about make-up, nails and very expensive perfume. I’m rooting for the girls like your daughter to get through their teens and be independent, creative and confident. I’m nearly 60 and enjoying going to a couple of gigs a week. You sound lovely and supportive, good luck.

Yes I think it's easy to assume that all teenage girls are into hair/nails/make up/tiktok + boys at the expense of anything else.

Many simply aren't and have a much more diverse range of interests.

I was never into make-up, fashion or boys when I was that age...I'm still not, apart from one "boy" who is my partner. I've turned out perfectly fine ;) It turns out I like traveling, writing, country walks and cosy pub lunches instead.

Teenager years are hard as it's all about "belonging", friendships and not standing out. Like others are saying, I think it gets easier in college and University as people tend to be more diverse as they develop, grow and find confidence in their own unique personalities and interests. I remember when I went to Uni feeling amazed at how many different clubs and societies there were.

She'll be okay. Encourage her to be herself. Worst thing would be if she felt forced to be someone she isn't in order to fit in. I think that would make her more miserable.

My 14 year old hates the popular crowd, who have been bullying her friend and won't have anything to do with them. She has found her own group of friends who aren't part of the crowd (one was, but was bullied out of the popular crowd after daring to talk to her old friend, the main victim, and so DD's group welcomed her into their group). DD still likes make up and perfume and stuff but has her own style, and isn't so into it as some teenage girls might be.

Does your DD have any hobbies or activities? Play any sports? Finding some friends via a shared interest could be the way to go. DD plays volleyball and has some good friends on her team, and also made friends in DnD club.

I wasn't into make up and perfume and boys (except as friends) at all as a teenager but my friends accepted that (with some gentle teasing) but I think it was easier back then without internet algorithms pushing trends all the time, and there was so much more difference in styles than there seems to be today, so it wasn't unusual to look different. I do feel sorry for teenagers these days, it seems so much harder, but the teen years do pass and things get better as they get older.

Leave her be she sounds fine! My 14 year old DD does like fashion and makeup but not really interested in boys yet, doesn’t go out to parties or out in the evenings yet unless it’s to a friend’s house.
There’s too much pressure to grow up too quickly these days I think. 14 is actually still a child, what does she enjoy doing? Focus on those things, she may never be in to fashion and that’s fine.
Maybe she could join some kind of club at school, or take up a sport? Meet other people with similar interests, very normal to lose and make new friends at this age too.

Yes! Mine is now 19 and I could not prouder of her independence and way of being in the world. She had a hard time being 14/15 but absolutely bloomed at art college and found her tribe.

Thanks for all the replies, its great to know her way of being can still be happy. Going out with her now and will reply later.

Friendships change so much at this age. It’s normal to be in various groups then decide they’re not for her. Peer pressure can change behaviour and sadly losing friendships is normal. Make sure you stay close with DD so she can talk to you about how she feels. But it’s up to her to navigate the hell that is being a teenage girl.
Mine is learning to navigate and recognise unhealthy behaviour from peers, but still needs a hug and chat about it, which I’m glad she feels she can do.

If she's into music, then perhaps her 'tribe' will also be from the musical fraternity. Does she belong to any orchestras, choirs or groups? She's far more likely to find people she gets on with from among like-minded teenagers.

My dd avoided the 'popular' clique of bitches girls like the plague and spent the entirety of her teenage years in a dance studio/ on stage.

Thanks so much everyone. Shes a resilient little person who plugs away so hope she can use that to manage this change.
What annoys me about it all is that these kids have been exposed to acceptance of difference and inclusion in a way I never was but yet they can only accept same and conformance to some random idea of sameness. I just don't get it.

Tribal identify. Being a teen is all about finding your identify, which invariably means conforming to whichever "tribe" you identify with.

@twistyizzy sadly her identity was meshed with best friend and now friend has pulled away shes not sure who she is and could belong with. It will be a tough week i think as school breaks were passed with the friend. Sending positive thoughts to the universe that she'll fit in with other kids.