Why do I only realise what I really wanted later?

[Blanketfull]

I'm not sure if it's me or him!

DP is very good at asking what to like to do, but also, I've noticed not so good at following through. E.g. there was a special showing of an old film I wanted to see at our local theatre. He said we'd go, then at the last minute suggested something else. The something else was also something I'd enjoy so I agreed, but later realised he'd actually managed to get me to choose exactly what he wanted and that I was quite disappointed.

He absolved himself on that occasion by finding it showing at a London cinema and taking me there plus dinner.

Today we've been to an event that I love and he doesn't. We'd agreed to go after another discussion about how we always seem to do his thing on a Saturday morning. Yes, I could and would go alone, but he managed to have me believing I want to do his thing (which is also enjoy) and maybe I would rather go somewhere with him than to my thing in my own.

Anyway my thing involves an activity and then coffee/breakfast with other participants. It's the social afterwards that's the best bit for me. The cafe isn't great but the people are some of my favourites.

Today we went, then he suggested a better cafe for breakfast. He's right it is a better cafe, it was only later I realised the whole reason for going (for me) was to chat with friends in the grotty cafe, and I'd been manipulated into doing his thing again. He'd compromised and done my thing, but not the way I wanted it!

Why don't I see this at the time though? I could have quite easily have said no I prefer to stay here, and we'd have stayed.

Not to say this is correct or the way to be, but myself and DH only do about 50% of stuff together. If I wanted to do an activity and then hang out with friends after, my DH wouldn’t come and I wouldn’t go if it was the other way around. But I appreciate everyone is different and if you do want to be together then I suppose you do need to compromise. BUT, I think you have a niggly feeling these compromises aren’t fair. And I think you’ll likely get some good advice on this from others.

Yes, I know that's the answer and I don't know why I'm not making it happen.

Some things it is nice to do together - the film was a special one for me that I wanted to share with him.

The Saturday morning thing he really should do with his friends and me with mine (there is some overlap so we both have people we know at both). Ive often said that's what we'll do, then hell say "why don't we..." and it seems like a good idea at the time so I do.

I'm actually quite headstrong in most aspects of my life. I don't understand what's going on here.

Sometimes it helps me to have the conversation in my head first, so I know what my responses will be and if I’ve practiced saying them, then they’re easier to say out loud. I think maybe take a moment to really think how you want something to go, and reiterate that in the conversation, and see how that goes down?

Yes, but I don't see it coming. I wouldn't have predicted he'd sugggest the other cafe this morning.

It’s because we’ve all been socialised to be good little girls and please other people ahead of ourselves. I don’t do that anymore.

would you like to do this thing on Saturday morning?
no thanks love I’m seeing my friends and we can do something afterwards.

Decide what you want to do. His options are - go along, shut up and smile nicely because next time it’s his turn. Or don’t go, which for us is also fine.

He doesn’t get to manipulate you into changing the plan so it’s what he wants.

This is really just about sticking firm in your decisions and being assertive. I’d have just said (and sometimes do say) “No, I want to go to the shit cafe so I can chat to the others, but all good if you want to go and have a nice breakfast, I’ll see you back at home.”

Suggesting somewhere else isn’t “manipulating”, particularly not if you readily take him up on the offer. If you don’t want to change plans, just say so.

I'm sure it is that but also I don't think it's quite that black and white because I would like to do the thing he suggests too, there just aren't enough Saturdays in the week!

Absolutely, that's what I should have done and what I could have done. There'd have been no discussion, he'd have stayed with me, but at the time it made sense to go to the nicer cafe. It was only later I realised that despite doing "my" thing we hadn't done the bit that was most important to me.

I think maybe from this point, always see it coming. And know what you want to do and just say what it is. If though you think, “actually that does sound like a better alternative” it’s ok to say “ok just give me a few moments to think” and assess do I want to stick to my plans or is this new plan actually better, and go back and continue the conversation with the option you decided on.

It’s different, but I find it hard if plans change last minute, even if it’s a better alternative. So my husband knows now that I’ll say “hold on, give me a minute” I’ll process for a couple mins and then we’ll continue planning. But I need a moment to process, I can’t just continue the conversation with out letting my brain have a think.

It's a little odd that you see it as manipulation. Does that mean he's manipulated when you get to do things you want?

Better communication sounds key.