SSRI relapse- desperate

[knittedpumpkin]

I'm just desperately looking for someone to tell me this is normal

In short, suffer from PTSD and obsessive thoughts/rumination.

Been stable though since 2019 on Sertraline. Past few years have been brilliant- really felt my life was looking up. The odd flashback/ruminating period, but generally able to push through.

I felt so good that - after 6 years - I started to taper of Sertraline in March and was finished by june. All good. I didn't think I needed them. I questioned if they'd ever really done me any good at all - maybe it was me that got myself better, and just time. Maybe life had simply moved on.

Then 2 weeks ago, overnight, the dark thoughts started coming thick and fast - seemingly from nowhere - and I'm a total mess again.

Not eaten since then, can barely keep water down, and crying all the time, unable to leave bed. Thoughts of ending it - although I couldn't leave my children. Hours spent on the internet googling all about my trauma, trying to make it make sense.

I'm on new meds now. GP thinks Escitalopram will be a good fit and sort me out quicker than Sertraline.

What I really need someone to tell me though is that it WILL get better. That this is classic relapse and the drugs WILL work. So desperate for some positivity.

Part of me believes that this isn't a relapse at all, that this is my new normal and i am now just destined to feel this way forever.

Does this sound like a classic relapse?

Does the timing make sense- why did it take months after slowly tapering to suddenly feel so hideous? Shouldn't it have happened instantly or gradually as the dose went down?

Does anyone have any experience with escitalopram for trauma/obsession?

Will it take months to regain my sanity, how long do I have to live like this?

Is there any hope?

I came off Sertraline and then had a relapse. They will start working again soon, though they need a few weeks to get into your system. This is NOT the new normal. Sadly relapses are normal for some people, I'm resigned to taking SSRIs for life.

Thanks @toadinthebucket
How long did it take you to relapse?

I'm just so surprised I did so well from June-October, no sign of anything wrong, and then it just came from nowhere :(

I don't remember, it was years ago now. Maybe 6 months?

To add, I am very well now. I had counselling for my trauma , I still take Sertraline and I've been very well for years.

Thanks so much

Anyone else?

It IS a relapse. I have seen this before.

Try and remember that it took a while for sertaline to work first time round but you got there in the end. The same will happen now with the new meds. Just hang on in there and keep telling yourself that this is a blip and entirely surmountable.

Do you have understanding people around you to help you over this short phase?

I find a mantra helps that can be churned out over and over again ... e.g. "This is a rumination loop. I will acknowledge it and move on."

Sending a hand hold.

Hi @knittedpumpkin ,

I've come off ADs several times, most frequently Sertraline, and always it took several months before I began to feel unwell enough to figure that it was a mistake coming off.

I've come to think that there is something going on in the brain long after the half-life of the meds has petered out to an insignificant amount, so that their neurochemical benefit outlasts (by a few months) their presence in your body.

I think you can have every confidence that ADs will help again.

I was absolutely fine for a few months after coming off sertraline. Then I started to think
”oh I think I need them again”.

One of my midwives said something about the sertraline filling up something in the brain so I guess it may take a few months for this fully come out of system and make you realise you need it topping up again.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you both. I'm well supported but just so, so scared right now. I can't even fathom how I was feeling so good before, it doesn't seem possible.

I think possibly the brain maybe requires itself while on SSRIs and it takes a few months for that wiring to unravel.

Mornings are hell ish, I just don't know to get through the days. I'm single parenting and my children are getting such a dreadful, totally absent version of me right now

Of course it will get better. It’s a classic I’m afraid… someone feels better, thinks they don’t need drugs anymore, comes off them and boom. They needed the drugs.

It will have taken a while for the medication and its effects to leave the system and for your condition to compound itself again.

You will get better.

Re-wires not requires

I could've written your post - practically word for word. There's no shame in needing medication. It's a harsh world for the best of us, it's just that some of us need a bit more help & you have a lot on your plate. You WILL stabilise again, what you're feeling now isn't permanent - you've done the right thing seeing your GP. Be kind to yourself & this will pass.

I echo Cleo above in this - yes OP it’s a stage and what your experiencing is classic doom depression - you will be ok

tot he other poster - did your midwife mean serotonin needs filling up?

To answer some of your questions

your brain is trying to find a solution when your scrolling trauma on the internet - thing is the part of your brain that can plan and negotiate the future is shut down in this period so you will keep going round and round with only a doom like scenario - it’s torture I know

try to read up on the 5 lies of depression - you sound like your experiencing this

Happened to me twice in just the way you describe. Several months of feeling pretty good, and then boom - spiralling into a suicidal, overthinking, obsessed mess within the space of a day or so. Both times, the abruptness of it was really shocking, although in retrospect there were some telltale signs it might be coming.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I understand how horrific it is. It will honestly get better, but it may be some weeks before you start feeling a bit more like yourself.

Like others have said, I’ve resigned myself to being on SSRIs for life. I’ve been on them for around 20 years (give or take the few months when I stopped). I started when I was barely out of my teens. It’s been well over a decade since my last major relapse.

It is going to get better, OP - it really is. Don’t let the current dark thoughts convince you otherwise. Take all the support you can in the meantime, to get you through the darkest days until you find recognise the glimmers of happiness again.

I found keeping a diary helped, because it helped prove to myself I was making progress - my trajectory over time was up, but there were ups and downs (or should I say downs and really bad downs), which makes it difficult to recognise an overall improving picture.

And whenever you can, do something that requires a degree of concentration that quietens the overthinking a bit. For me, it was sudoku and crosswords. I couldn’t watch television at first, because I’d just focus on how the various characters were better people than I am, and get myself in a more despairing state.

You need to find any way that gives your head a slight respite, even if it’s just for a few minutes here and there. You won’t necessarily recognise any positive effect at first, but promise it will help.

Hang in there! It’s going to get better.

Thanks @SilverMushroom that's more helpful than I can put into words. If I can just know that what I'm feeling is normal and that there is hope, then I can push through this. I'll never take my (relative) sanity for granted again.

Imagining everyone is better than me is my current fixation right now. I feel so deeply flawed and stupid and a waste of everyone's time and attention. I feel like if everyone knew how awful I truly was, they'd be shocked. I feel like I need locking up as punishment for all the stupid things I've done that I now see were far worse than they seemed at the time.

I can't say I don't feel like this whole on ADs, but it just doesn't eat me up in the same way.

Has anyone taken escitalopram? I didn't want to go back on seetraline as it made me need to nap every day but maybe I should have just stuck with the same formula ?

My DD has been on it for years and has no intentionnof stopping. It gave her her life back and I am thankful for that every day. Truly .... i lt does wirk and soon you will feel the benefit.

I tapered myself off Venlafaxine after 30 years for the second time recently. I hated not being able to cry and feeling numb to everything. Have just started to get that 'I don't want to be here' feeling after a wonderful three weeks with all emotions firing on full cylinder

Have a horrible feeling I will have to go back on them and stay on them. I really hate relying on medication to feel normal.

Whatever you decide I wish you nothing but the best. You're not alone and it helps to know that many other people are struggling with this dilemma.

The sudden cliff edge of mood and timing makes me wonder if you suffer from SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I developed this after recovering from a bad bout of depression and it's like clockwork every year.

A SAD lamp has been what's saved my sanity all these years. I now start using it in September in preparation for October because it prevents the massive drop for me.

I used to only realise it had happened again when things weren't right - such I'd be sitting on the bed crying, unable to put my socks on because I was so upset about the prospect of my dog (then a young pup!) dying one day or I'd seen a sad cat video. The reaction wasn't my usual behaviour and that's when the penny drops 😂😭. I no longer get the massive crashes, and I'm on St John's Wort instead of prescription meds these days. I've been on these for 5 years and they've been brilliant tbh.

When you start to tell yourself you're stupid, a waste of space and need to be punished, consider this:

Would you say that to a friend, or even a stranger,suffering from depression?

I'm absolutely certain you wouldn't, so why do you say it to yourself? What makes it OK to speak to yourself like that and tell yourself those terrible things?

Saying it or thinking it also doesn't make it true, it just means you're being extraordinarily cruel to yourself in a way you would never be to someone else.

A psychologist made me think about this exact same thing many years ago, and it was a revelation that I was on part completing that circle that depression creates of hating yourself and hating the illness whilst being unable to separate yourself from it as though it's a moral failing.

If you need tablets for the rest of your life, so be it. I am fully accepting now that I cannot properly function without something to help me with my depression induced anxiety. I'll be on SJW for as long as they work!

Just wondering how you are now? Did the escitalopram work?
Im in the same position you were back when November and could do with some positive news.

@Bev62 I started on 10mg and it got worse for two weeks then I felt slightly better.

Went up to 20 shortly after and in 4 weeks was very much improved. I'd say I'm 75 per cent better compared to how I felt after 6+ months of sertraline, so hoping there is still some rewiring going on. I've had some really good days - could hardly believe it when they happened. Good luck to you

Oh I'm so pleased for you. I'm still struggling on the Mirtazapine but it's only been 9 days. Have Docs appointment next week so may discuss a change if thinks aren't looking up by then. Like you I do have good days tho so maybe I should take that as a positive.
Best wishes for your continued recovery.