I don’t know why but lately at the age of 50 I have been thinking about how my father treated me, he is no longer alive, but I have unanswered questions I wish I had asked him, I guess I never felt I could.
I remember being about 10 we was on the beach with my mum and two brothers, I had a towel around me to cover myself as I was naked underneath, I was struggling to put my swimsuit on and my dad in a temper pulled the towel from me and shouted at me to just put it on, I remember feeling so embarrassed and humiliated I was crying, will never forget it, as far as I remember my mum did nothing or my older brothers. Another time he was telling my brother off quite badly, I got scared and ran to my room he screamed in my face what has it got to do with me. But I think the worst thing was when I was older, I had a hospital appointment to attend, he took me and my mum came too, but he was very angry about the fact he had to take me, my sons weren’t driving then, were old enough too, and he shouted in the car they should have been killed, I have never forgot this, and never told anyone not even my brother I am close too, I don’t know to this day why I didn’t tell him. The only thing I can think of is he said this because he was angry he had to take me, when is his mind one of my sons should be taking me. But what I don’t understand is why I was so upset when he passed away, I’m sure there was other things that happened in my childhood, infact he called me useless when I didn’t get very good grades at school. Why was I so upset? I don’t like to admit but he was never a very loving father, we were all with him when he passed away, I was screaming for him not to die, feeling very confused about all this, can anyone relate? And I’m sorry it’s so long. To add I’ve always had problems maintaining relationships, I don’t really have any friends, I’m more an introvert I guess, and lately I’ve been thinking is my childhood why I am the way I am if that makes sense?