Not sure what I am hoping to achieve baring my sole here, but maybe to feel heard, or get a kick up the backside, or to find out if others feel the same. It’s probably mid life crisis (F47) but how can one snap out of it?
I feel that I have unintentionally rushed through life by my early 40s - had a child at 21; two failed marriages by 30, moved countries and settled in the UK from mid 20s, without my family, just my DC, for the second marriage; two degrees and Master’s by early 30s; constant career progression; financially secure and married The One recently after almost 20 years together. But my whole life I have never felt secure, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not personable enough, too foreign, too young for this, too old for that. I have made plans to achieve specific goals always from place of fear (that has been instilled in me by pushy, dominant mother) and life’s milestones were marked as ticks. And then in my early 40s, I must have burnt out without realising. DC has flown the nest, mortgage paid off, I am in the job that I do not love or feel competent in, and I have no mojo to change anything. I just drift waiting for something bad to happen while maintaining positive facade.
Then I watched VB documentary, caught up with a few former colleagues at the industry event today, watched them being excited about their work, and realised how I have let myself go - I do not even know what I want or like. I have never had time / inclination for specialist hobbies. I exercise and cook, read and travel. It’s a good life that I am just not appreciating or capable of enjoying and I feel like I have nothing to aim for, no mojo to even update my CV. Feels like I have completed everything I was ever capable off, lied down for a rest and can’t get up anymore while everyone around is making 5 year plans. Can’t say anything to DH because I do not want to stress him out with what does not make any sense to me.