How do I stop being a people pleaser?

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Hi all
i am a terrible people please. I hate confrontation of any kind. I also feel terrible if I think people feel badly of me for not meeting their expectations. We are in another country at the moment and celebrating the memorial of my father in law who died 3 months ago. There is a lot of traditions and cultural issues. I don’t read or speak the language and it’s not my religion. My DH seems more comfortable that he is not going to do everything that is expected but I don’t want the family to think badly of us.

but it’s not just this situation with family. It’s also work situations. If I don’t feel like I am meeting expectations then I go into panic mode and feel awful
about myself. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could just not give a crap. It would be some much more freeing.

the people I admire who say it like it is and don’t really care what anyone thinks.

the only one I am really hurting is me. The negative self talk is terrible.

does anyone else feel like this?

have you got any tips or resources for me to change?

I used to be a people pleaser. I still am underneath really, I just have to force myself not to be 😅

It takes practise and the realisation that some people just use you. They don't care how you feel, just what they can gain / get use from you.

I think it comes with loving yourself too, the more I've loved myself the less I've cared what people think or feel about decisions that are best for me

I've had to go NC with several family members which I think has helped,

Also practise - I've found that I meet the same person in different bodies until I've learnt my lesson on how to deal with them 😅

I used to get cross with myself for being too uncomfortable to say no in fear of a confrontation, even if it was just someone being annoyed at me.

I very rarely get cross at myself anymore because I'm so mu h better at saying no these days, I still feel a little uncomfortable but it's worth not being resentful or feeling exploited

I read somewhere it’s more common in people with ADHD. Not sure of the evidence there except my husband has ADHD and is a total people pleaser.

😅 I suspect your right as I have adhd and I'm a recovering people pleaser

I’ve always been a people pleaser and after a cancer diagnosis, I had some therapy.

It turned out I was like that because I was very overweight and deep down felt I MUST be nice to people or else they’d insult my weight.

Looking back now, she was so right. 😔