Suggestions for destressing after v annoying visits to brother and sil

[limetrees32]

I've never been particularly close but both of them have quite serious health issues and we're all late 70s.
SIL in particular drives me insane , she's always been a bit of a victim and thinks mainly of herself .
And looks constantly for reassurance that she's not .
Think " oh , am I being a pain talking about my health? I feel really bad but I never see anyone else to tell "
So much more but I won't go on .
Anyway I visit , offer sympathy , reassurance and try to be kind.
But afterwards I'm seething with resentment at the lack of hospitality, the lack of interest in my situation., the overarching negativity
Suggestions on how to visit and recover quickly and put the resentful thoughts away?

My Dads best friends wife is similar to this . She doesn’t stop talking from
the second they walk through the door . Moan moan moan moan about health , money , hospital appointments, family . My parents don’t get a word in and the bf has had really bad health problems since he was young and can’t walk so he doesn’t go out .

My parents don’t visit anymore .
My dad can’t cope with the wife anymore .
He misses his friend but sometimes you have to consider your own feelings and how a persons behaviour affects you .

Alcohol.

Throughout the entire thing, think of a pint of cold beer or a whiskey sour, whatever is your poison.

Get home, take a gulp and let the frustration out as you breathe out after.

I can't bear my sister. I only see her at funerals as I have been NC for 18 years but I smile and nod and get through and have a pint of Doom Bar as a reward for not rabbit punching her in the throat.

It works and you can't be arrested and charged with anything.

My strategy, similar situation, is to shorten the visit length to a manageable / tolerable timescale that works for me, basically arrive, short and sweet visit, then depart.
Include an outing to somewhere local for a change of scenery (just a brief local shopping trip works) and to recover alone and clear my head the following day - a yoga class and swim.

I used to have a family guest I struggled with but thank goodness alcohol made them sleepy. They got big glasses from me.

Are the moans and groans different every time, or same old same old?
A friend of mine quipped that a gathering of older folk can become an ‘organ recital’ with the lists of bodily ailments - if she says ‘oh I feel so bad going on about it’ could you suggest that the organ recital is time limited, just about new stuff since the last visit, and then the conversation is consciously switched to uplifting topics?
And limit visits of course - you are unlikely to be able to divert the conversation as above, so all you can do is file it under ‘duty’, manage your expectations (she’s not going to start asking how you are, after all, so stop expecting/hoping for that and you may be less resentful). Do you have people you can offload to about your own things, unlike her?

But if you want her to stop talking about her health, presumably offering sympathy and ‘reassurance’ encourages her to keep going? If you want to change the subject, change it, surely? I mean, what do you actuslly say when your SIL says ‘Am I being a pain, talking about my health?’ Because if yiu say ‘Of course not’, then you’re actually creating the situation that’s irritating you.

thank you all ,especially @Walkacrossthesand . ' organ recital'
i think a walk somewhere green might work .Alcohol is out I'm afraid .

@DancingPuca you're right of course .
But what responses should I give her when she asks if she's being a pain?
I can't agree and if I were to remain silent she would redouble her pleas for reassurance .
Generally I murmur something along the lines of understanding how difficult it is for her
She really is in difficulty with her health and somewhat isolated .
I try v v hard to talk about other things but she turns them back into another reflection on herself- how she can't do that /understand that /if she does that ..

She doesn't like you to mention positive or enjoyable events you've had or are anticipating because they highlight what she's missing out on .She uses it as an entry to another discussion about her health and it's limiting effects and asks you to change the subject.

Once a year we go out for a meal with the wider family .Venue v close to brother and sil.
She spends ages saying how she can't have a starter - health reasons ,too much etc - and can only manage etc .And how she feels conspicious "silly" because of this ,people will think ..
She is oblivious to my remarks that she won't be alone ,several of us will have 2 courses ,not 3 .

Why do you go?

Stop visiting!

It does sound like she has a very sad and isolated life. She is not going to change so yes, you absolutely just need to find ways to decompress afterwards! A walk in the forest, yoga, coffee with a friend... boxing?

When I read the OP I very much saw Sybil Fawlty in my mind, on the phone to her friend, the : 'I know. I know, I know... yes, I know.'

.....She has these, well, morbid fears they are really. Vans is one. Rats, doorknobs, birds, heights, open spaces, confined spaces. afraid of open spaces, enclosed spaces.................

I go because she's been in my life a long time and as said we are late 70s.
She genuinely has a number of serious health issues and is in a shit place.
I'm not fond of her personality but I try not to judge too much. And we all have good and bad aspects.
I think she enjoys my visits and in the scheme of things it's not much to offer.
It was suggestions on how to deal with my resentment and recover from each visit that I was after .

Create a bingo card of the most likely moans before you go and mentally note each win as they arise.
You could even lead her into any you think might otherwise be missed.
Set an alarm on your phone to sound after however long you can tolerate an hour, two or whatever. This is then your signal to say you are so sorry but you absolutely have to go for some reason.
Sit at home marking off your bingo card and award yourself a prize of your choice.

Loving your suggestions @Iwanttoliveinagardencentre .!!
Have you got a garden centre in mind ? Does it have good washroom facilities ?

@limetrees32 any garden centre will do. Life is civilised in garden centres. They are the last place which is fairly much safe from the shitshow of modern society.
Full of plant loving pensioners with good manners and nice dogs. You can even eat homemade cake without rampaging children banging into your chair or enduring people braying into their phones. What could be better?

I’ve used the bingo strategy with difficult people. It really works.

But if you keep doing what you’re doing, the result will be the same as it’s always been, and your frustration and resentment will continue.. So you either suck it up and think about other things as she goes through a recital of her ailments, or you change your response, or you stop visiting altogether.