AIBU to wonder how much reciprocity and loyalty you should expect in friendships?

[KeenTaupeDog]

Hi all,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a real friendship lately.

It’s got me wondering where the line is between being kind and being used. How much should you expect to reciprocate effort, care, or loyalty in a friendship?

And also — something a bit more difficult — should friends stay loyal even if you do something “wrong”?

For example, if someone makes a big mistake (say, cheats in a relationship or messes up badly at work), should a true friend stick by them, or is it fair for them to distance themselves? I’m not talking about condoning the behaviour — more about whether friendship means standing by someone even when they’re not at their best.

Another layer to this: I’m from an ethnic minority background in the UK, and honestly, friendships have always been harder for me to form unless it’s with people from similar backgrounds.

That really saddens me, because I don’t see myself as particularly tribal or discriminatory — I genuinely try to connect with anyone.

But over time I’ve noticed that cross-cultural friendships often stay surface-level, while within my own community there’s more instinctive loyalty and understanding.
So:

• How much give-and-take should you expect before it becomes one-sided?
• How do you protect yourself from being used without turning cold or cynical?
• And does real loyalty mean sticking with someone even when they’ve made a big mistake?

Would love to hear other people’s experiences — especially anyone who’s struggled to find truly mutual, lasting friendships in the UK.

As I am ND, I used chatgpt to help me write this.

Hi KeenTaupeDog,
For me, it took a long time - almost 50! to realise my friendships are very one sided. The penny dropped one day that I am always Miss Friend Right Now but not Miss Friend Always. I’ll respond promptly to texts, I’ll check in on a regular basis & I’m always up for meeting for a walk, coffee, glass of wine but always on their terms. Id really try to nurture these relationships. I’d suggest something and I’d get a loose ‘I’ll come back with dates’ but nothing until they need or want something. That realisation was heartbreaking. I was devastated & I’m still trying to get over that feeling of loneliness & being used.
From what I’ve seen on these boards is to join a club or hobby, go to every session & you’ll soon find your confidence to build lasting connections, joined a book club & a gym (trying to pluck up the courage to actually go to both!) and would love to do more to ease the loneliness but short on both time & money!
Wishing you all the best x

I've always been very shallow with friendships and although I have had a few quite long lasting ones over the years, (one friend I have known for 50 years and we meet up twice a year for lunch or coffee - she has long since stopped inviting me to any social events) I no longer have any others, not because we fell out or that they were too demanding, just that I cannot be bothered with the headspace other people take up.
I found that most people, whether they be friends, wider relatives, work colleagues or even just acquaintances, eventually just get in the way of a calm and peaceful life so I have stepped back.

I do not miss them or socialising in the slightest. I am very confident and self sufficient and love my own company. If I spend time with other people it is by arrangement and usually with my immediate family only.
Thankfully DH has gone NC with his only surviving relative so I don't have to think about them or their dramas either.

I expect fuck all now in my late 40s after having been burned a few times with people I thought were lifelong friends. Having said that my 2 closest friends I met as a teen so I can't be doing that badly.

I just keep ny expectations low, there's only really one person you can rely on in life and that's yourself.

People draw their own individual boundaries for what they consider acceptable behaviour.

I don’t really need “care” from my friends in the way that some people do. I would never ever call a friend and expect them to drop everything because I was having a personal problem or emotional crisis.

I offer emotional and practical support to friends who need it but I wouldn’t expect it to be reciprocal. I don’t give to get back.

I do however have pretty strict standards of behaviour and honesty is a pretty big deal for me.

I’m not interested in being friends with anyone who cheats, lies or steals.

If I feel that someone is using me I just start saying “no”, that generally sorts out the problem.

I find it is always women with husbands who say they don't need friends, and often children too. Surely you must have some social skills in order to acquire the husband?

I find that such people often lack the imagination to empathise just how crushing and desperate actual real loneliness is. When you desperately want connection and support and physical contact/proximity and there's just no way to get it.

I wonder how it would be if you did find yourself without the husband at any point? How would it feel to be totally alone, and this time not have any choice in the matter. Surely you would need support?