Am I doing something wrong?

[Ellliebelly98]

Silly day of me comparing and I shouldn't but I worry

So my son is 4 soon. We went to a hallowen kids party today hes always more shy but loads of kids I felt weren't? It felt like he was the minority and then I feel guilty. Have I done something to make him shy??? And not want to take part

Then we go to a family meal and out of all the kids hes the only one causing chaos (pulling on the window blinds, trying to pour all salt on his plate, shouting at us when we tried to tell him off) and again it feels like hes the minority there was another kid there his age who didnt kickboff

And I feel like everyone just looks at us all the time. Me and DH are arguing loads as our parenting styles differ. Hes strict byt I like to be more of a patient approach. Dh is fucking soft and just says "stop doing that you cant do this" etc doesnt ever sit and explain something. And he cant deal with his meltdowns so irs me dealing with everything I feel

And I just worry am I doing something wrong? Why does dS not listen and kick off when we try to tell him off he really kicks off its so tough

Well I think it’s clear something isn’t working. Him being shy is probably just his personality, do you encourage him to be more “out there”?
I am not a ‘gentle approach’ parent, I honestly believe this doesn’t work and from experience and witnessing a lot of this… the children all tend to behave the same way, parent always seems embarrassed but never willing to change approach.

Yeah I have tried different playgroups etc and he stays back but sometimes does really join in and is confident? He goes to nursery and does join in with the kids but staff say hes more of a quiet member

Hes really loud and outgoing with people hes comfy with

And yeah I dont like raising my voice. I have a stern voice it feels like he doesn't listen. Dh does raise his voice I hate it and I end yp telling him off then

What do you do at meals out to entertain him? He won’t do it himself

So today I walked around with him as there were toy machines and it did entertain him, his food actually came quick as family ordered (we were stuck in traffic so ran late) he had a book with him we spoke to family said hi to everyone and I took him to the playground outside too

Try to avoid screens if I can

This book How to talk to kids will listen is extremely easy to read and very helpful. It was recommended on here. I’ve got 2 and 6 year olds and you can open it on any page and there’s something useful to try.

Thank you just bought this for my kindle x

The shyness is likely just his personality. My son is the same - but he's gained a lot of confidence since starting school (now in Yr1). He's still shy but me and his dad were both like that as young children.

The causing chaos aspect is something I haven't experienced, but I think it's important that you and your husband have consistent expectations/boundaries for him.

I hope you find it handy. It’s not all for me but there are some things I tried in moments of exasperation which worked so quickly and well I incorporated them into daily life and there are things you can fall back on.

I can’t remember if it’s this one or the original How to talk book (written by her mum I think!) but you know when you’re in a shop and your child suddenly asks for something, something huge or expensive or that they already have or you're in a rush or whatever - say you can see why they love it, it’s fun/great/pretty etc and you’ll put in on a list for them. A real list on paper if you have a receipt in your bag, or your phone, or in your head. Not a list for birthdays but a special list of awesome things they loved. Or say you’d love to buy it if you won’t the lottery. You’d buy ten of the thing and give them to everyone you love.

Sounds really silly or simple but if you can pull something like that out as a swift redirect rather than saying no, knowing it’ll turn into a mare, and instead having a fun chat about things they love life is easier.

One of my kids was shy in the party scenario. At a school disco, age 7, he sat under a table or out in the corridor, for thy whole time. In that scenario it was too busy and loud. He's better now he's older and chooses to join in. My younger one just refuses to go if he's not in the mood, but can be coaxed a little if I stay though I'm not keen to push my kids into something they're uncomfortable with.

When eating out we would take games to play at the table, or a few toy cars. We take a few things to entertain them plus walk around a bit with them. Sticker books, Lego or PlayMobil figures etc. I don't shout at my kids, but I do have a Stern Parent voice when I need them to quiten down a bit or behave better.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but please know you're not the only one with kids who behave like this.

He's not even 4 so he could well grow out of the shyness as he gets older.

The not listening to you is the problem here, as that sometimes gets worse as they get older if they've had no firm boundaries put in place when younger.

"causing chaos (pulling on the window blinds, trying to pour all salt on his plate, shouting at us when we tried to tell him off)"

What consequences did he face for this and did you warn him of them and stick to them?

We ended up leaving early as DH was getting stressed and it wound me up. Ds kept acting out so I thought weve ate (and paid) hes hyper and keeps doing things like mentioned. Let's just go and take him out of the situation

Hes had a busy day and was very excit3d so I dont know if its just all the energy ?

I just told him off really i dont know what consequences i could've done thete if that makes sense?

The shyness isn’t an issue. My youngest isn’t into parties- he’ll go if he has to but won’t join in if he doesn’t feel comfortable. That’s just him and it’s fine.

You and your husband need to try and be consistent with the bad behaviour, maybe it was all a bit much after the party today and it was just a bad day.

you and your DH need to be united. This is very very important.

Work on that.

I just told him off really i dont know what consequences i could've done thete if that makes sense?

If there are no consequences for ignoring his parents when they tell him to stop, why would he bother stopping?

I think you and his dad need to sit down and think up some strategies.

Think of some things he enjoys and use those as the carrot and stick.

So loss of privileges for poor behaviour and more of what he likes to reward good behaviour.

The absolute must is that you stick to doing whatever you've warned him you'll do.

I am softer and do give ina. Lot. He has quite intense meltdowns and tantrums and sometimes I give in just to stop the tantrum or the shouting. I do find his behaviour difficult I dont know how to discipline though

Do you have any local parenting classes?

An undisciplined 4 year old will only get worse as he gets bigger and stronger.

Plus, he'll find school far more difficult.

Well, it doesn’t sound that mysterious. You are inconsistent with discipline, and you and his father parent quite differently, but both ineffectually — your child is co fused, because he doesn’t know what the rules are, and he’s only little.

I’d suggest a parenting course for both of you.

If you give into tantrums then ds will use tantrums to get his own way. It’s embarrassing when they happen in public and they are annoying to listen to but kids go through tantrums at age 2-4 ish to learn how to deal with big emotions like disappointment, anger and jealousy. (Terrible Twos and Threenager)
Being inconsistent with consequences and making ds aware that you disagree with your h will prolong this developmental milestone. He needs to learn how to deal with emotions without tantrums because the rest of the world aren’t going to cave to his demands - especially his peers. I’m not saying that 4 year olds never tantrum but he should be able to deal with most situations without a tantrum.

Yeah I really need help with dealing with like making sure he listens to me. He does walk all over me

For example what should i do regarding like yesterday at the restaraunr when he was messing with the window blind and I told him off and he gets annoyed when I tried to move him away from the blind

Im just genuinely asking because my method is usually telling off. Sometimes it's a "we won't do xyz if you don't listen" (a fun activity weve had planned) or that he cant have a treat that was promised etc

What are your expectations of him at home around mealtimes. If he isn't expected to sit and eat a meal without running around at home then he won't know any different at a restaurant. Do you eat with him at home.

Yeah we eat together but its a bit different as I bring the food in we eat finish and then get up

In a restaraunt you go order wait then it comes out I think its a bit different as at home I say dinner time and I bring it out thete isn't much waiting

Telling off won't work if he's learned that nothing comes of it when you've told him off for something and he does it again. Best advice is to head off the behaviour before it happens or, failing that, divert it before it gets worse. Good distraction techniques mentioned upthread.

Never threaten consequences you aren't prepared to stick to. Praise good behaviour massively, especially when it's in a situation where he would normally have behaved badly. In restaurants, talk to him about stuff he likes, take a colouring book and pencils, or a book, and engage in it with him. A lot of children that age won't just sit there quietly while the adults chat.