Please can you share some tips... Dh and I have noticed I can't focus if there are people in a queue behind me.

[StrumpersPlunkett]

We just went to get some pictures framed.
There isn't an appointment system so we were v happy to get there and no one else was around.
There was about 15 minutes of just us getting advice from the chap.
When someone else came in we backed off so he could pick up his order.
Conversation and decisions continued then two more sets of customers arrived.

The picture framer continued to totally focus on our decisions but I couldn't. I panicked and shut down any further discussions because I was totally embarrassed at holding these other people up. We have made a decision I am not 100% about (but will likely be ok) just so that I could get out of their way.

So, advice... am 53 years old, unlikely to have a massive change in personality any time soon. DH wants to know how to help if we get in that situation again.

I have no idea! All I can think is to say to the person that we are not in a rush and can come back another time to take the pressure off and to allow others to make progress. Any other ideas?
Thanks in advance

I think you just have to tell yourself that you have every right to discuss your requirements and that the people behind you will just have to wait. It's your money. You said the picture framer was focused on you, not other customers.

You could always pause, and say we'll wait while you deal with these customers, and compare the mount colours or something. But you could be there for hours.

I went to a picture framer the other week. There were no other customers there so had plenty of time to discuss my requirements and choose mount colours and frames. But there was the actual picture framer and their assistant in the shop, so the assistant could potentially deal with other customers who came in.

If the other customers had picked up items for which they were waiting to pay and leave the shop it would be rude to keep them hanging around. The shopkeeper should then say "Do you mind if I just serve these customers" to keep the queue moving. Sometimes you have to balance dealing with a long winded query with not detaining others.

I used to manage a busy library and sometimes a reader would ignore the queue and ask a question which would have meant my leaving the counter while people were waiting. I always trained my staff to say something like "Im sorry but Im dealing with this queue at the moment. So I must ask if you could wait until Im free or ask another assistant."

Are you like this everywhere? What about, for instance, paying in a supermarket?

Youre allowed to take up space, and to use the services as they’re intended! Picking frames isn’t a 2 minute job.

Oh darling you’ve been train to not be in the way, not take up space, not inconvenience other people, that it’s more important that you are inconvenienced than some random is. Lots of women in middle age had this shit dripped into them and find it hard to not think “I’m in the way, I’m making more important people wait, I’m the problem.”

The poster above is right, if you feel you are rushing yourself to avoid other people waiting, say “this is going to take a bit of time, why do you serve these people first.” Give yourself breathing room to avoid making yourself rush.

thank you so much.
Yes this is just me, I guess I hadn't realised how much DH noticed it until he asked today how he can help in those situations.

I pull over if someone is driving up my bum because they clearly need to get somewhere faster than I do (and I feel it avoids an accident). I always check if the person behind me in a queue has fewer items and suggest they go first.

I like the phrase 'this is going to take some time, why don't you serve the other customers'. I will try to bank that.
Thanks

Did your parents give you the impression that you were less important than other people? Or that the decisions that you make aren’t up to scratch. I’ve got a friend who is a bit like this and it absolutely stems from her mother steamrolling her all of her life.

This is true I just don't know how to get round it. :-)

I don’t agree with saying “this is going to take some time why don’t you serve others”. You deserve your time too.

instead, why don’t you see it as the framer’s problem? They’re the one with customers to manage, a system to work out - you’re all in their hands really. If they’re that busy it’s a staffing problem.

While I agree that you should be able to use the time and think “if the other person walks out, that’s the framers problem not mine” - but that’s a long way from where you are, so if you are more comfortable feeling there’s not someone behind you thinking “hurry up” (like the driver up your arse or the person with only a few items), at least knowing it’s ok to say “you can serve them first” will stop you rushing yourself and making expensive mistakes.

but please practice not feeling you are less important. Next time a driver is up your arse, slow down (my view is, if you won’t drive at a safe distance for the speed, I’ll slow down until you are forced to drive at a speed you won’t hit my car if I do any emergency stop). Don’t pull over, just slow down. They can overtake where there’s space and if they are late, that’s their own fault for not leaving on time.

So, advice... am 53 years old, unlikely to have a massive change in personality any time soon. DH wants to know how to help if we get in that situation again.

This is a pretty extreme mind set - you've got another 30 years until you reach average age expectancy - close to a third of your life to go. Of course you can continue to change and grow. Unless you decide you can't.

I guess you could try a reframe. If you don't make your needs known and heard and take the time needed to do that, it could end up taking more of yours and everyone else's time?

Waiting, while frustrating, isn't harming anyone. You are equal to everyone else in that queue - not better, not less, just equal. You are all customers, there to obtain the same service.

OP is this a new issue or have you always been like this? Are you neurodivergent? Growing up were you told that others are more important than you?

This is nothing new to me, I hadn't realised DH noticed before.

I have realised in the last 10 + years that I have ND traits but I do not have any diagnosis. I do have complex PTSD as a result of childhood issues.

That is all manageable I also think this is, I just wasn't sure how to phrase things so I can discretely buy myself time without panicking.

Thank you for all being so kind, I had braced myself for a virtual slap and being told to put my big girl pants on.

I am exactly the same. I always thought this was just me. I can’t bear it. I panic.

I am the same. Feel awful knowing there are people waiting of my thing is taking longer than you might expect. Had it yesterday renewing a membership when they kept trying to sell me add ons ignoring the huge queue who probably just needed to get signed in.

I'm also bad parking if it means others have to wait whilst I do it despite being a very efficient parker. Dh gets annoyed at me driving past good spaces because there are people behind us who'd have to stop.

I know it's stupid and unnecessary and probably programmed into me whilst young. I also have ASD which wasn't diagnosed until I was 30.

Anyway, no advice but solidarity in case you thought you were the only one. It often feels like I'm the only one, no one else seems to mind holding the queue up to have a chat.