How to move forward after a traumatic experience

[Twatterati]

I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life who can offer impartial views - or any view really - so I’m hoping people here can help please.

I’m currently signed off work following a couple of very traumatic situations (which are linked eg the first situation very quickly led to the second, which is on-going)

My work have been great but I am nearing the end of full sickness pay, and can then have a short period of half pay.

I feel hugely guilty that I’m mentally and physically too unwell to return yet. I’ve also had to move away and am now over commuting distance from work anyway, so would need to change employer.

The traumas have fundamentally changed who I am and I don’t feel I can now do the same job anyway, not in the way I was doing it, and am expected to.

Unfortunately I also don’t feel I have much to offer a new employer even though I’m well qualified and experienced. On paper I’d be great (not blowing my own trumpet, I’ve worked hard to get a decent career). I’m just a shell of who I was as a person and employee.

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know how to move forwards and feel like I’ll never put myself back together to the way I was and be able to return to the same type of role.

Can anyone advise? I don’t really want to talk about the incidents, but for context, I am single, housed, middle aged. Day to day money is fine, even on reduced sick pay but I’ve no savings to fall back on. Neither of the incidents were work related.

Have you been able to access any specialised Counselling since the trauma?
My Ds had a traumatic experience. GP would not offer Counselling.
Eventually referred to a 'specialist' who insists on SSRI's but no other way to process what has happened.
Like you, the trauma has fundamentally changed his life. He will probably never 'get over it' as it happened to him but I'm keen for him to find ways to proceed that mean he can live with it in ways that are less limiting for him.
It seems that means either SSRI's, or 'talking therapy' or EMDR.
Have you considered any of these?

I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2015 although the trauma predates that. Looking back my life is unrecognisable to what I'd thought it would be in the aftermath. In that immediately after I didn't think I had a future at all. I gained another degree, I volunteer and I work part time as part of a lovely supportive team so finding a version of yourself again is possible.

Roughly what's the time scale? I imagine from your post it's fairly recent? Time helped me as did removing myself from the triggers which it sounds like you've done. However if some aspect is still going on, then that's the mental equivalent of having a scab pulled off regularly. It's hard to heal whilst the wound is being reopened.

Have you spoken to anyone? Does your work offer any form of therapy? I had various types of therapy on the NHS. Some were more successful than others.

How much support do you have locally?

Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear of your own circumstances and encouraged that it can get better.

It’s all very recent but also relates to events from childhood. No, there’s no support locally. I’ve never really had friendships but I have adult DCs who I chat to but don’t want to over burden. They know what happened but not how much it’s affected me and I’m good at putting on a brave face.

I do have access to counselling but just cant bear the thought of having to go over the childhood stuff that has led to the most recent things. If I had to unpack all of that I don’t think I’d ever be put back together.

I do know counselling is the answer and you’ve confirmed that, thank you - I can’t keep avoiding it.

Depends on the circumstances OP.

Nobody can advise you without knowing the magnitude of the original issues.

I’ll be the first to say it’s exhausting and slow, but I’ve found it transformative.

(Also dealing with a recent traumatic double-whammy, one of which involved discovering a horrible new circumstance which makes an instance of CSA suddenly much worse.)

I have plenty of friends, but therapy is an entirely different beast to chatting to friends .

I do have access to counselling but just cant bear the thought of having to go over the childhood stuff that has led to the most recent things. If I had to unpack all of that I don’t think I’d ever be put back together.

Not all therapies require you to unpack stuff, and, TBH, if it was all neatly packed away it wouldn't be affecting you.

I worked with someone who came to me with an unrelated issue but was also troubled by 'something' that they didn't want to/couldn't talk about but that was always on the periphery of their thoughts. We put in to bed in one session without ever discussing what it might have been, because it had no place in their live and there was no value in opening it up.

EMDR helped me. It was hard and wasn’t a magic pill but was better than where I was mentally.

Good luck @Twatterati.

I do have access to counselling but just cant bear the thought of having to go over the childhood stuff that has led to the most recent things. If I had to unpack all of that I don’t think I’d ever be put back together.

Mine has elements that go back to childhood as well as 2 separate but linked through triggers traumatic events in adulthood. I asked for personal reasons to focus on the more recent traumas and my psychologist was fine with that. I know my dubious coping mechanisms and my perception of self stem from childhood but I couldn't face talking about it, still can't. Obviously there will be variations but I found all the psychiatrists (4) and psychologists (2) I saw were fine with being led by me when it came to what I could talk about.

That said I found it very hard emotionally, I came out feeling exhausted mentally and physically, just wanting to go to bed in tears. Regardless of that though, I'm glad I did it. Therapy banished so many of my demons including ones I don't think I knew I had.

Good luck OP 💐

Hi OP I’m sorry to hear what you are experiencing.
If you find yourself ruminating, or having nightmares or flashbacks I’d recommend EMDR. It’s expensive but I found it really helpful for trauma that affected me like that.
There’s less talking about the event (there is reliving it though) and I felt like I was ready to sleep for a month after each session. I’d definitely look into it if I were you

Again, thank you for taking the time to read and reply, it’s very kind and also helpful.

@Dorrieisalittlewitch- I didn’t even know it’s ok to choose what to focus on, thank you.

@Overthemhills- I’ve just googled EMDR and it sounds great, thank you.

I so appreciate the responses and realise that “feeling stuck” is a choice I’m making by NOT seeking professional help so I will definitely be doing so.

In my experience a good counsellor will help stabilise you before unpacking the ways your past affects your present. It’s been quite a cyclical experience for me - unpacking a bit, establishing a sense of safety again, unpacking a bit more etc. Each cycle is a bit less daunting.

Im a clinical psychologist and I'd highly recommend emdr. You dont need to talk about childhood stuff if you dont want to and you actually don't even have to talk a lot about the actual traumatic events. It's still hard but is worth it.

I so appreciate the responses and realise that “feeling stuck” is a choice I’m making by NOT seeking professional help so I will definitely be doing so.

Be kinder to yourself. Seeking help is hard and from my experiences with therapy there is very much a "right" time. My thoughts on the matter ranged from being ashamed about how broken I was to feeling like I was wasting their time, often at the same time. You've posted here, you've given the replies some thought and you've made a decision, all that counts as forward momentum.

Also if it helps in the end I didn't exactly seek help, I had a massive messy breakdown in front of my GP when I was there for an entirely unrelated matter but got caught out by a trigger. Thought I was coping until I wasn't. 2 days later I was sat in front of a consultant psychiatrist trying to pretend I was "fine". He indulged me, discussing theory/history/art for a while before suggesting gently that I had ptsd (apparently the silences told their own story) and that I should let him refer me to a psychologist who specialised in my type of trauma.

Definitely would recommend EMDR, especially if you find it hard to talk about it. Helped me so much. As you described, I couldn't go back to work for many months and after having emdr I was able to get back to being myself bit by bit. Wishing you to get there too