How do you get old enough not to care?!

[Sixtytoo]

I’m suddenly 62! Apparently I’m supposed to not care so much, feel liberated etc, but it’s not happening! I still clam up at a party, feel self conscious with mates, and try to be nice to people to my own detriment. How do I not give a f*?
and while we are at it, how do I not become invisible ? I Feel like I’m looking for an identity again - like I’m a teenager, but not so hot. Anyone else going through this? Any tips? Thank you!

I think it varies from person to person. I’m 55 and have very few fucks left to give.

I’m definitely forging my own identity again after the kids have left, I’ve reconnected with old friends I haven’t seen for years. Started wild swimming and playing padel, travelling when I can. I’m dragging DH along for the ride he worries more but is getting better at just going with the flow.

I’m not sure I have answer tbh. I think I used to care, I must have - but now in early 40’s I find I have a strong sense of the ridiculousness of life and how it doesn’t really matter so why not just do what makes sense and that everyone has an opinion but it doesn’t actually need to matter to me

I do have a couple of books I read if I feel a bit down - “you are a badass” is one of them

Is there anything you do / watch / read / listen to that gives you a sense of “I’m invincible watch me roar” that you could do more of?

I think it’s about choosing what you give your fucks to. Socially I’m still the awkward person I always was and it does bother me as I know it holds me back, but in the workplace, my fucks left the building a very long time ago! Sadly it’ll be a while till I can also leave that building it zero fucks definitely helps me while I’m there!

This is a good way to put and does sum up DH too, he is socially awkward compared to me so if we’re hosting he’ll worry about the most bizarre things as he wants it to be perfect.

Also I wonder when all the fucks come back and land on you from a great height DM is 81 and housebound and stresses about absolutely everything but mostly where her next bottle of whiskey is coming from. They are different fucks though mostly very self centred.

I was going to say 'live long enough', but I see we are roughly the same age. I had an earlyish menopause (45) and haven't really cared since. I'm polite and respectful, kind and generous, but if I don't want to do something I don't. You get to the stage when life is just too short to bother about what other people might think. Don't feel you have to give reasons either.

Thanks everyone.
billybagpuss mine have just left too. I guess that’s a lot to do with the find a new identity feeling. My DH worries more too, would rather hide in bed than go away.
picky thanks, I’ve downloaded you are a badass. I’ll think of stuff to do that makes me feel badassy. It used to be traveling alone but ..DH/ money.
lifebegan I hope you follow your fucks out the building soon :)
billybagpuss sorry your dealing with other fucks re DM. have in-laws like this, not drink but overwhelming with demands. I’m certainly learning to give less of a fuck there!
muddyford I d like to get to that stage. I think I’m getting there but I seem to gauge it wrong- either they seem to try harder to get my attention or they try harder to get me to do what they want or they take offense. Then I feel awful.
really do need to care less.

Well I don't think i'm ever going to get to the stage in life where I don't give a damn.

The older I've got the more I've shrank. Covid isolation actually changed my life. Being by myself for such long chunks of time coupled with not being able to travel anywhere has left me paralysed with extreme social anxiety and really fearful about going new places. I find people extremely intimidating.

I'd love to not give a damn but I can't see it ever happening.

I think that’s what happened to mum and as her mobility got worse she’s got more anxious.

I know mum would never do it but would therapy help for you? Baby steps.

💐

I'm turning 58.
I've always been social awkward, hate social events and feel like a prat at everything I ever do.
BUT I made a conscious decision last year to push myself ...but only in things that interest me. So no more parties or work dos..I hate them, so I'm not going ever again.
But I wanted to take up a sport.. so with huge trepidation I went along to a taster session back in April... and now I'm playing squash 2 or 3 times a week! And realised that while I may not be any good, who CARES!
I save my mental and social reserves for my family and a few friends who I see occasionally for dog walks!
And today I am going to the gym for the first time. No idea what I'm doing as none of the instructors induction stuff has sunk in, but I am assuming no one will care about me, or even throw me a glance...!
As for work... counting down to retirement and my last fuck flew away years ago!
I think it's about making a conscious effort to say to yourself...I CAN put myself first, and no one is really thinking about me anyway!

What does having zero fucks to give look like for you @Sixtytoo?

I know that sounds fatuous but what does it mean to you? Not to care what people think of you? Not bother with make up any more? To start doing something wild? To stop doing something you used to do? What does it mean to you?

I'm sorry your Mum is struggling with anxiety as well.
I had some CBT last year but it wasn't very helpful.
I make an effort to go out every day and do the things I can do - supermarket shopping, going to the library etc- because I know the less I'm out amongst people the worse ĺ get. It's a self fulfilling thing.
It must be realy difficult for your mum if her mobility is affected. Walking on the beach is something that does give me real pleasure.