Deal with toxic SIL over xmas

[Xmas25]

Help! Toxic family member announced theyre staying with elderly relative nearby, who we care for, for week over Xmas and DS, DH and I can have Xmas morning together, to give us space.
they stayed last year and it was awful, I don’t want our son to hide in his room again. DH and I wondering if we could go away, DH (always gets wet feet about going away) now thinking we cant ( money/ be rude), but how can we have a lovely time? DS not keen on either her or elderly relative - and I feel overwhelmed by them.Somehow it’s always all about them.Coping tips please!

If your SIL is staying with the elder relative (ER) for a week you're off the hook for caring duties so try and see it as a chance to have a break. You can limit any time with them. A quick email saying Lovely you're coming to stay SIL. We know ER is going to enjoy seeing you. We'll pop in on Xmas eve to say hello and drop of any pressies then leave you to enjoy your visit. Let us know if you want any shopping getting in before you arrive. Then relax and enjoy Christmas in peace. You can pop over again while she's there for a couple of hours later in the week, maybe a lunch out if ER is mobile but other than that have a nice break.

SIL staying with your elderly relative, who you care for, is a gift and you should take advantage.

Tell your SIL “Thanks so much for staying with ER this Christmas; now we know she’ll have company and be looked after, we’ve arranged for the three of us to go away for Christmas. We’re really looking forward to it”.

And book somewhere away. Do it for your DS’s sake.

Definitely see it as an opportunity to have a week off of caring duties, drop in for a short visit and enjoy your break

You should definitely go away, I can’t see any disadvantages. It’s not rude. It doesn’t have to cost the earth.

Is SIL still expecting you to do the caring duties whilst she is there? Why did your son have to hide in his room, did the person you care for and SIL come over for Xmas day? Is that the expectation this year?

I'd be letting them crack on and spend the day together, and you having a lovely day just the 3 of you.

Thank you, that’s what I’d like to do without causing offense.
’do it for your sons sake’ resonates - we were just rebuilding after family trauma when ER got ill and stayed with us for 9 months. So though ER is fairly pleasant, its been a bit much.
DS does like Xmas day here, but it won’t be just us. And even if it is, SIL will make sure she has attention somehow.
think we actually do need to go away to escape. DH says, but that’s being chased out of our own home! Yes, but I want to enjoy focusing on DS and us, not drama. Thanks!

“Hi sil thanks for looking after family member over christmas for us, very kind of you to give us a break. We have arranged for the three of us to go away for christmas, its nice to know family member will be well looked after.”

endlessholidaywashing SIL says she’s coming to see ER but spends a lot of time involving us. ( ER is just a bit dotty nothing serious yet).
last year SIL, her DD and ER stayed. LOTs of drama, very overwhelming, neither of us want that again.

If she tries to involve you, sorry SIL we are busy… or the best excuse sorry SIL we have come down with a bug, best not to come round wouldnt want to give you d&v. (They cant prove it ;))

Thank you, you’re all very helpful.Thats what I’ll say, it sounds reasonable. Now going to look for somewhere to go. Need to a) find somewhere fairly reasonable and b) persuede DH who wants to escape but will feel guilty regarding ER. Gah!

Just go away!

Book it and tell DH it’s his Christmas present!!

I would keep it simple. Tenerife has loads for kids to do and shouldn’t break the bank.

You deserve this. 💐

Your husband should feel guilty for expecting you and your son to ruin your Christmas so he can feel ok. You sacrificed last year for him, it’s his turn to step up for you two

I wouldn’t be chased out of your own home. I’d just say we’re having Xmas on our own this year. End of!!! Stop pleasing everyone else, put your own family first.

Book somewhere, but be aware that when your SiL finds out you’re going to be away, she may suddenly have to cancel her visit to ER!

DS does like Xmas day here, but it won’t be just us

Why? Surely Xmas in your house will look like how you want it to?! It's your house.

Why would elderly relative, SIL and her daughter come to stay with you, when they are already staying at elderly relative's house?

Don't invite them to yours and enjoy the break. I wouldn't be driven out of my own home.

💯 go away somewhere.

Something like the PIG if you can afford it is fab.

You could also say you were away for the week and just go for 2/3 days

Tell her today, while you’ve got your dander up. And make sure you tell her that it’s a done deal, all booked and paid for, non exchangeable, non refundable as well, so she can’t guilt trip you into announcing that she’d been planning on Christmas lunch at yours.

And if you look at trips and decide you can’t afford it, then don’t tell her that. Stay at home and announce late Christmas Eve (when she can’t claim she hadn’t got anything in for dinner) that you’ve all got Noro or Covid so you had to cancel.

I think @ComfortFoodCafetext is a really good one. To the point with no messing about or wiggle room.

Don’t go away if you don’t want to…. but either don’t invite them so you have Xmas to yourself OR tell them you’re going away 😂!

There is absolutely no reason for your husband to feel guilty about going away over Christmas. Your sister-in-law doesn't feel guilty about living away does she? I would send her a message saying that's brilliant, it's been a tough year and we wanted to go away before but couldn't so we'll take advantage of Christmas and go away for a few days. Tell her you have booked it.