Does your 9 year old notice ‘differences’ in other people?

[SpinningTops]

DD is 9 and seems wonderfully oblivious to any differences in people. A couple of examples - her friend at school has selective mutism, she’s never spoken to my daughter, DD has never shown any interest in asking me why.

We attend a playgroup with her and my younger son (who is awaiting an autism assessment). A lot of the kids there have high support needs as it is for autistic children. She has never wondered why we go to a playgroup with disabled children. My son has low support needs so not obvious we are there for him.

I guess I’m wondering whether most children are still oblivious to differences between themselves and others at this age and I guess I’m also wondering whether this could be a sign of autism and a general lack of interest / awareness of others.

She isn't necessarily oblivious or not interested, perhaps she notices and accepts people as they are.

Yes, maybe. And I think that’s wonderful if so, she’s such a kind child.

I’ve just noticed that her friends ask things like ‘why are you wearing X?’ ‘Why would you want to go to X club’ in a slightly unkind way and I didn’t know whether this is a natural stage that kids go through. It wouldn’t ever occur to my child to notice or question these things about other people.

If it’s just that she’s wonderfully kind and accepting I’m all for it!!

Just because she's not asking you why, it doesn't mean she hasn't noticed the differences.

Either she accepts unquestioningly the differences, she's come up with her own answers , or may be she thinks you wouldn't know.

I think I had selective mutism as a child (in the eighties, when perhaps it wouldn't have been recognised). Plenty of children asked me why I didn't speak (I couldn't answer of course) but I can't imagine them going home and asking their parents. Why would they expect their parents to know what was going on in my head?

DS is 9 too, though nearly 10 now and he does notice and has always asked questions from about the age of 2-3.

Have you ever brought it up yourself? Sometimes I've started chatting about things and then he's asked questions after that. I wouldn't always wait for him to bring it up. Like if we were going to an autism group, I'd explain what autism is if he didn't know already and without him asking first and then he might ask questions then.

I do think it is a natural stage that the majority of children go through. My son is disabled and I don't consider a child unkind if they ask a question about it, not unless they are trying to be mean which has actually never happened.

We have brought up certain things.
They have an older cousin with special needs and we got to a point where we hadn’t ever been asked so told them that he goes to a special school and how he plays like someone younger than he is. That was instantly accepted with an ‘OK’.

We’re very open to being asked questions but have never had ‘why is that person in a wheelchair?’ type questions which I’m sure I asked as a child and which I do think is ok for a child to ask. Like you say, it’s done out of curiosity rather than unkindness.

It might be that from a very young age the fact that everyone is unique and different is quite of focus of lots of nursery / KS1 books. And they see kids with reasonable adjustments in their classes so it’s never a thing to be asked, just an everyday part of life.

Its interesting. My eldest is an adult now but has never really noticed difference. He has AuASD so wonder if this why. I love that he is so opening and accepting. He is very good at meeting new people and making the feel welcome.
He doesn't really understand societal rules and norms unless they are explicitly laid out.

Yeah, and it's interesting to see their observations really

Especially the less obvious ones i.e. this person is introverted or whatever

I remember realising when dd was around 5 or 6 that she was very well aware that a couple of the children in her class were a bit "different" (actually autistic but she couldn't have named it as such at the time). She just hadn't felt any need to comment on it.

I think children can often be more accepting of differences than adults.

I definitely wouldn't be concerned or anything, all children are different too. My son asks questions about everything, including his own disability so it's just part of his personality. I think he likes to know how everything works and why things are the way they are, he's just very curious.