My child has suspected ASD - Need some support

[OneWiseBlueSheep]

My 2.5 year old has developmental delays across gross motor function, communciation and problem solving, he's been referred for speech therapy and the HV said he'll be put forward for an ASD assessment at 3. So my son walks fine, he can run, he had positional club foot at birth and the foot has straightened out now, when trying to get him to walk anywhere he wants to be carried, he won't walk for more than a minute unless fixating on a leaf or a wall.
He won't listen to verbal instruction, he doesn't seem to understand "walk forward" "Come on this way, we're walking now"

My husband and I were trying to get him to walk to his childminders today which is a 7 minute walk for an adult at a normal pace, he can do the walk some days but lately he's refusing, he grabs my husband's legs and hands, screams, cries, sits on the floor and stims. My husband told our son to shut the f up today and I lost it with my husband, I told him that's not acceptable, and in private when we got home told him he needs to get help if he cannot emotionally regulate himself. My husband seems to believe tough love will work on our son and just forcing him to comply, which never works, he needs incentive, distraction and patience.

need some advice😅

I can't sat if your son has asd, it could be global delay or anything. I would say carry on encouraging him to walk and make sure theirs no underlying thing preventing him from walking. My ds didn't like the feel of trainers but loved wellies and crocs. Also get a doctor to check him over. As for your husband it is frustrating and hard to deal with but his reaction is wrong on so many levels. As a one off I think I would do as you've done suggest he gets support but if not a one off I'd leave.

Not to excuse your DH but in my experience, many men really struggle with the idea of having a child who is not developing at the expected pace. I think you’re right to suggest he gets some help.

In terms of your DS, have you ever seen a paediatric physio? In view of his history, I think I’d want to rule out any physical issues such as muscle tightness. It’s not the same thing at all but we had real issues with our DS after a broken leg when he came out of plaster and wouldn’t weight bear. The NHS weren’t very helpful bits one off assessment with a paediatric physio was under £100 and she gave us exercises as well as thoroughly assessing him using games and things he was interested in.

You have my full sympathy, one of my DCs has ASD and that was a difficult age. For us, it did get better.

I know how difficult this can be. Sounds like you are struggling to negotiate your son’s needs and your husband’s attitude is completely unacceptable.
You need to reframe how you approach communication and your understanding of his needs.
In your post you say that “ he won’t listen to verbal instruction” It sounds like he does not understand. There is a difference and your husband needs to understand this.
Look at receptive and expressive language. He may be functioning at one word level e.g.walk, coat, drink etc and need symbols or even objects of reference to aid his understanding.
For now do what you can to make his and your lives easier. Use a pushchair if he can’t walk far without difficulty.
As a PP has said this could be sensory needs. You do need to check for medical reasons but it could be sensory overload.
Our daughter couldn’t tolerate any bits of cotton on the inside of her socks and preferred to be barefoot a lot of the time.
I’m not sure why the HV is recommending waiting til he’s 3 to be referred for diagnosis unless that’s the policy in your area.

@24Dogcuddler

Thank you, I'm collecting some child development information together and I've asked my partner to consider therapy to work on his emotional regulation

Yes, there is a difference, if I'm taking my son somewhere I use the pram as I've got back issues and I can't carry him for more than like 2 minutes. My husband thinks this is detrimental to our son, what he doesn't seem to accept is the developmental needs are different clearly and he is going to take a bit more time to catch up, or he won't catch up, I think that my husband is finding that challenging. I'll also mention I myself am on the spectrum and my DH is also suspected but he's far more rigid and black and white than I am so that throws up some issues.

the HV said the service won't assess children for ASD under 3 years old in our area.

I still sometimes used a SilverCross pushchair for our daughter until she was nearly 5 (autism and SPD diagnosis) She had a fascination with numbers and her sensory needs and Hypermobility all added to difficulties getting where we needed to be. She also used to run off!
Are there any SEN parent support groups in your area or SEN play sessions? It might help for you to meet some other parents who understand.
Sounds like your husband is angry and frustrated with your son’s needs. This isn’t helpful for you or your son. Hope you can access some support soon.

My DS was exactly the same at the age. It was horrendous getting him to walk.
i did use buggy until atleast 3.5
The only thing that worked to get him walk outside was getting him a little dolls pram. He absolutely loved it.

he does have hyper mobility which added to the walking refusal.

your husband also sounds like my DS dad. He took ages to get his head around his son having additional needs.
I had to sit him down and explain there's a lot DS does that he doesn't mean to; doesn't know etc it eventually clicked.

whilst he's nearing 3, have you looked into portage? May be a tad late but worth a try.

I agree with using a single world for actions. repeat 3 times.

how is he with other children?

I just wanted to add aswell.

i remember I was so scared at first when things came to light, DS is nearly 7 now and I'm so in tune with him and have learnt so much it's really not as scary as I first though.
so sending love 💙

@Sunshineclouds11

This is where it's very confusing, well for me at least, as he doesn't have meltdowns with his childminder, he's been there since 5 months old, he's there Monday-Friday 8-4:30pm, with a small group of kids he's known most of his life, he tolerates them is the best way I can put it, he doesn't greet them when he arrives, he looks at them and goes straight for the cars or blocks, at children's parties he runs away from them, doesn't interact and focuses on objects.

If he sees another child outside, in a shop or in our home he hits himself in the head and goes "ghhhhhhhhhh guhhhhhhhhhh." Sometimes he cries. He doesn't attempt to talk to them, the best we get is he points at them and repeats phrases that make little sense, without context like "What that" "It's a bear" "It's a mum" "Whats the time? Whats the time?"

I've not heard of portage? The HV said he'll go to this child development centre in our area most likely once fortnightly and they will work with him on speech and language, she said they will 100% pick up on the signs of ASD as it's very obvious in our son. It's difficult to say where he is on a scale of SEN, and what his needs are going to be going forward, his childminder hasn't raised any concerns in terms of support requirements, she said he can be grumpy at times, he dropped naps at 11 months which she said wasn't usual, but no behavioural issues at daycare so far.

You’ve had good advice already, I don’t have much to add except what is up with DH’s obsession with getting him to walk?? I think most people with a 2YO in tow would use the pram if they had to walk anywhere in a hurry. Even if there weren’t any additional needs, it’s just a normal way of transporting a toddler! Your husband is being really odd by trying to force him to walk and I’d be saying that even if DS was totally NT, meeting all milestones etc. Just use the buggy and get the nursery drop done efficiently.

@Bitzee

I asked him this morning and he said he thinks our son is lazy.
I think he's a toddler and needs a pram (we have one, I do drop offs with it, I don't bother fighting him all morning and ending up late for work!) Even if he was NT, I'd do the same
sigh

@OneWiseBlueSheepMy son also didn't have meltdowns at nursery, he doesn't at school now.
he honestly sounds the exact same as my DS at that age. He wouldn't look at any other children at all.

Portage is where someone will come out to see him at home, it's learning through play. And help support his needs.
it's worth an ask to your HV.

has the childminder not brought up anything in regards to his development though?

@Sunshineclouds11
Thank you for clarifying
No she hasn't mentioned anything, he just gives us an short summary daily in his feedback book of their day
she said he flaps sometimes but I had to push her like does he do x y z behaviour with you?

Writing here as mum to a 23 year old young man with severe autism and learning disability, diagnosed aged 2 years 3 months.

While you are waiting for the system to kick in for your son (so frustrating!), I highly recommend the book More Than Words by Fern Sussman to help you and your DH work with your son on developing his communication skills. It's part of an evidenced based programme developed by Speech and Language professionals.

I'm afraid it's not cheap (worth checking out the second hand bookstores), but the advice in it is gold, I'm not sure how we would have got through my son's early years without it.

I know what you are going through and wish you all the best.

More Than Words

Also, your DH is being unreasonable about using a pushchair for a 2.5 year old, regardless of developmental issues. He's barely a toddler at that age.

@DistractMe

Thank you very much
I just found a PDF online of this book

Your husband needs to learn that the child will have developmental differences whether he is stern/yells at him or not. We had to get a mobility aid pushchair for one of mine when he was 6 as he was in too much pain and overwhelmed to walk. He needs to meet the child at their level, not the other way round.

As an aside, autism is often inherented, do you or your husband have family members that show autistic traits?

I was going to ask the same about your husbands responses. Once my sons diagnosis came through, it became clear they were peas in a pod and my husband was over stimulated.

He’s only 2.5 with developmental delays. An adult walking for 7 minutes is probably about 20 mins for your son, so I’d recommend using a pram.

I was coming on to recommend More than Words but see a wise pp has beaten me to it. Is private SALT an option for your family?

Op I know how scary and hard this time can be as I’ve been through it. Sending you lots of support and an un MN hug if you would like it.

The National charity Contact A Family have a fantastic helpline you can call, with a listening ear service where you can book to chat to another SEND parent without judgement.

You are doing brilliantly to be pushing for his needs to be recognised. I would suggest ringing helplines of IPSEA or Sossen as they may be able to advise about routes to assessment and help in nursery etc when he starts in not many months from now.

Our Dc may be on their own journey, but they can progress in ways that surprise and astonish us. My dc is older now, mostly very happy and has progressed so much more than we ever expected. Still has autism of course but he has learned to do so many things over the years.

My DS with ASD was in his psuhchair until he was 4. We would let him loose in the park so he could run around, but if we had to go somewhere e.g. the shops or nursery he went in the pushchair because he was too unpredictable.

OP, there will be others with much more knowledge who will comment, but the phrases without context sound like gestalt language processing. You might find it helpful to look that up.

I'm also wondering if support for fathers with ASD would help?

If he is autistic then you are best picking your battles. You wont win with force . And definitely wont get what you want with shouting at him.
He is only 2.5 I would have the pushchair always on hand but give him incentives to walk as far as he can .

The most important thing is to parent the child you have, not to follow a textbook. This is especially true of children with ASD.

Age milestones are just estimates. Your child will race past some, hit some on time, and lag behind on others. This is true for all children. With SN children and especially with ASD children, these variations are more pronounced.

Battling with your child over a walk to nursery is foolish. It’s a time when everyone is in a rush and there are too many distractions. If Dad wants the son to get better at walking, he should schedule some recreation and pick activities that will get both of them moving. They should be child centered, not just dad’s favorite sport. Have some short “races” in the park. Go on a scavenger hunt. Go out to spot bugs or construction or whatever interests your child. Find things the child enjoys doing and use them to motivate him to walk without him even realizing. With time, he will develop stamina.

@Onceuponatimethen

Is private SALT an option for your family?
No we are waiting for NHS as SALT privately is very expensive
His speech and language assessment is in December

The National charity Contact A Family have a fantastic helpline you can call, with a listening ear service where you can book to chat to another SEND parent without judgement.
I'll have a look into this - Thank you

You are doing brilliantly to be pushing for his needs to be recognised. I would suggest ringing helplines of IPSEA or Sossen as they may be able to advise about routes to assessment and help in nursery etc when he starts in not many months from now.
No need, as he is under the Family Centre and GP is aware.
The HV said once the speech therapist sees him they will make the referral for ASD no doubt about it.

Our Dc may be on their own journey, but they can progress in ways that surprise and astonish us. My dc is older now, mostly very happy and has progressed so much more than we ever expected. Still has autism of course but he has learned to do so many things over the years.
Absolutely, I didn't speak until I was 3, I have Lvl 1 ASD so low support needs, a lot of my family were worried about me for a while but I have obtained a university degree etc

@Starlight7080
@Ponderingwindow

The most important thing is to parent the child you have, not to follow a textbook. This is especially true of children with ASD.
Age milestones are just estimates. Your child will race past some, hit some on time, and lag behind on others. This is true for all children. With SN children and especially with ASD children, these variations are more pronounced.
Battling with your child over a walk to nursery is foolish. It’s a time when everyone is in a rush and there are too many distractions. If Dad wants the son to get better at walking, he should schedule some recreation and pick activities that will get both of them moving. They should be child centered, not just dad’s favorite sport. Have some short “races” in the park. Go on a scavenger hunt. Go out to spot bugs or construction or whatever interests your child. Find things the child enjoys doing and use them to motivate him to walk without him even realizing. With time, he will develop stamina.

I agree - we are using the pram now, DH is onboard and sees little point battling him every morning.

A general update - My husband has since reflected on this whole situation and is getting assessed himself, and has realised our son needs patience and has additional needs.

Thank you all for your support.