Please help me find the heart to keep going.....I am feeling scared.

[Futurehappiness]

I just feel I need to step back from everything that is going on but I know I can't. Has anyone managed to find their way though situations like this?

I just have regular difficulties in my life like those many others have; not major issues but I feel they getting on top of me at the moment. These main things are as follows:

My adult DS has severe physical and learning difficulties and there are also some developing behavioural issues. He is challenging to care for - both physically and emotionally challenging. He is at a care home during the week & home at the weekends. I love him but not everything that goes with caring for him iyswim.

My parent has dementia & is dying, also in a care home though I get over to see them regularly (feel guilty it is not more often). It is hard watching them get slowly frailer, I feel like I am already bereaved although I am not.

My DH has a degenerative illness (like MS say) which of course affects his ability to work and care for DS though easily does his share.

I was supposed to work today, tried to work and found I just couldn't. Couldn't focus or gather my thoughts, found it impossible to write the simplest email and looked helplessly at my hands when I was trying to write. This isn't like me, I have a professional FT job which I need and usually find rewarding though has its own stresses.....I am scared that I have lost my focus and ability to work.

I ended up having to take the day as sick leave. I just feel desperately guilty and like a malingerer, this isn't like me at all. Just spent the day dwelling on work errors I have made recently, am worried that something terrible is going to happen any moment. I feel like I am breaking down but I can't.

I have made a GP appointment later this week but don't even know what to say, or ask for. TBH counselling just feels like something extra to do, and what is the point talking about all of this? It is what it is.

I think most of us would crumble occasionally trying to deal with so many heavy demands.

Tell your GP how you feel and if they suggest signing you off with stress, ACCEPT IT. I said that loudly because you're clearly going to say, oh no, I can't. You can and you should.

Talking helps. Sometimes just saying something out loud to someone else takes the burden off your own brain. And talking to someone independent means you can say things you'd rather than die than admit, normally, so you can release those bottled up emotions and frustrations.

And yes you are experiencing a living bereavement with your parent.

Give yourself a break. You're not a robot. If your friend said this to you, what would you say to them?

I feel like I am breaking down but I can't.

It’s not something you get a choice in, sadly. You keep going and keep pushing through every day until you break. And it sounds very much like you are at the breaking stage. You can’t put it off or pretend it isn’t happening because you will wake up and find yourself unable to get out of bed. Completely unable to function. You won’t shower or comb your hair or brush your teeth. All of those things will seem insurmountable. You won’t care about eating. You might cry or just lay there. You might sleep 18 hours a day or not at all.

Please believe me when I say that the longer you pretend it isn’t happening, the longer it takes to start functioning again. For me, medication was the only thing that got me back to work and able to deal with everything on my plate. So many people resist them, but they literally save lives.

First thing get signed off sick. Give yourself some breathing space where you can concentrate on your family without work. After a bit of breathing space work out what else would help. Would you be able to employ some other carers? Would there be a possibility of respite care for your husband or your son? Could you go part-time? Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to and, if not, sort these out.

I’m sorry OP, you have so much going on! Sometimes even the strongest of us need some time out!

Sign off sick for a week. Get some rest and food and take a little time to think.
Yes therapy is yet another thing, but it could be a safe and supportive space.

Could your son possibly stay at the care home for the odd weekend to give you a break? If you're working during the week and then all weekend in a caring situation you're never getting any time out to recover.

Get signed off work for a month and get some proper rest , maybe a short break, then look at how best you can deal
with what’s going on right now. Make some time for just you, hot bath, nice food, walk, meet a friend anything to help ease the stress you have going on right now. If you don’t you’ll break and then be no use to anyone, you need to put you first right now then deal
with everything else after that

You sound amazing. You also sound as though you are at breaking point.

If your son is in a care home then I presume he has a social worker. Ask if your ds can stay in the care home every other weekend. Ask the social worker for a carers assessment. Also check if there is a local.support group for carers. In my area there is an organisation called Caring Together which offers support for carers.

Please see your GP and get signed off for a fortnight to recharge your batteries. There is no shame in doing so.

I just wanted to give my sympathy. My teen dd has similar difficulties and has been in a Residential Placement for a year. She doesn't come home, we visit her because she is too challenging for us to manage. After she moved out we all suffered terrible burnout and took months to recover. I think you need to find ways to take care of yourself, whether it is being signed off sick or your ds staying at Residential/extra carers at the weekend. Take care.

@Futurehappiness you are truly burnt out.
It happened to me. I became unable to do simple math or make a phone call. Everything became overwhelming. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, intrusive thoughts. Needed to leave work on disability. Medication and therapy helped, but it took a long time. A lot of rest. Mindfulness practice. Please take action before you break.

First of all, stop worrying.....life will go as it is meant to be....find some balance through self centering onto the big picture of life, find faith

Thank you all so much. I am surprised that you think that what I am dealing with is so heavy....I have seen them as moderate concerns, many others have it so much worse.

I hear the advice about taking some time out & will see if I can get that. I worry that I would be letting down my DS if I see him less than I do. Re medication: is there any specific medication that anyone is aware of that might be helpful? I could discuss with my GP

There’s always someone who is going to have it harder than you, so if we used that logic, nobody should be struggling.

Insist on taking the time. Ask to be signed off for a month. You can always go back early if you’re feeling better, but it will take that pressure off you of contacting your Dr each week, emailing work etc, when you need to rest your brain. And you might feel guilty not seeing your DS as much, but he’s being very well looked after, and if you push yourself to the point you snap, you won’t be seeing him for weeks on end. This is short term pain for long term gain.

Re medication, it differs from person to person. I’m a big fan of Fluoxetine. It works for me, I don’t experience side effects and I find it easy to gradually come off when I’m better, but I know of people who haven’t responded well to it, but got better on Citalopram. That just gave me panic attacks on top of everything else. Speak to your gp and if they prescribe you something that you don’t get on with, then don’t just give up; ask them to try something else.

You have an awful lot of burdens.

you need to cut yourself slack wherever you can because everyone will keep taking.

Reduce care home visits. can you cut your working hours?

Moderate concerns? Most people would crumble with just one of those issues. I wonder whether you need to take a week off work to give yourself a bit of time to yourself.

Is it possible for your son to stay in his home over the weekend every now and then?

Many people would struggle with just one of those situations. Some can't even cope with the job aspect yet you see it as normal (ish). You are burnt out and need things to change.

A parent with dementia is a very tough situation. Have you any useful siblings?

your adult child needs to stay in the care home full time with day visits.

A week off would give you head space to take stock. Have you spoken to your employer? Do they know what you're managing?

I'd recommend making 60 mins a week for counselling. Apparently Chat GPT does this now but I'd recommend a professional. Employers sometimes offer this and will facilitate access during work hours

I understand why counselling would feel like another job on the list and you feel that nothing is going to change but arguably that might be an argument in favour of it. The various situations are not going to change so your response to them might need to. You are running yourself ragged and feeling guilty but it doesn’t seem to any of us that you have anything to feel guilty about. And you like and need your job. Sometimes a job can be the place you go to feel like an individual with your own identity.
Please take the advice from other posters to take some time off. Please consider counselling to see whether you can let go of feeling guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you have to visit your parent a little less often, or if your son has to stay at his home occasionally at the weekend, it might help you keep the train on the track. It’s not selfish. It benefits everyone. You can’t help any of them if you become really unwell. Your body is trying to get you to listen and, if you don’t, it will shout louder until you have to. Sending good wishes. I think you sound incredible.

Politely please do not be listening to strangers on the internet re medication.

Is your GP surgery any good? Do you trust and value their opinion?

Get a rest, get a BACP registered therapist.

I agree with therapy, it helped me enormously in a similar situation - we have a MIND therapist at our GP's who was very helpful. I also use the Headspace app for 10 mins every morning while I have my coffee. It just gives me time to quieten my mind and see things more clearly. Seeing your GP is a good idea, anyway, ours was a godsend and told us categorically that we couldn't carry on that way and was a great advocate for us.

Just to revisit my thread:

I arranged to see my GP weeks ago just after my initial post on here.....the earliest I could get an appointment was this Friday. So I am trying to think through what to say to the doctor, to get the best out of it. It is hard to put it into words.

I feel that I can't just stop doing my work; my colleagues are overworked and overstressed, they don't have the capacity to pick up my work too. I told my manager I have been struggling and it is hard to meet deadlines.....he is sympathetic but there is no point pretending there is anything he can do about it other than remind me of the support available (which I am following up on).

I was assisting with a voluntary project at work which I have completely left by the way. I just don't feel I can do it, can't even bear to think about it. It just makes me guilty.

I had a very distressing incident with DS when with family which makes me feel I can never take him out there again. Not because of anything they have done....because of how I feel. Because of what happened I can't pretend that I am coping any more.

A manager at work called me out last week cc my boss, his boss, his boss's boss about the delay in responding to a project I was working on. I promised a response early this week....I have prepared it to deliver tomorrow but I just know he is not going to like or be satisfied with my response. The reason I didn't respond sooner is because I have so much work that it took me so long to get around to this task. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty though. However hard I work all I am left with is guilt and dissatisfied people.

I feel I am letting everyone down. I don't have suicidal ideation; but I have thought about how quickly and easily things could spiral out of a person's control. Just to be rid of the constant pressure, the constant fruitless effort and the torment of guilt.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!💐
Take a screen shot of your first & last post and read those to the GP, I think they demonstrate quite clearly how much pressure you are under and how it’s affecting you!

Hoping you get the help you need!