What do men do?

[JustPassingThyme]

I promise this isn’t a sarcastic question, you see generationally I have had no real example of a good father or husband. Consequently, I have no idea what role they are meant to fulfil in a family. Practically what do good men do as part of a family to be a good husband and father when not at work?

My mother’s father when not at work was at the betting shop or arguing and violet. Thankfully, mother did improve massively on the poor example she was given. Unfortunately, my father was just bad in a different way, when not at work he was in the corner playing computer games, or out drinking. He never did anything around the house, I mainly remember for the small amount of time he was at home he was grumpy in the corner. Anyway, he left when I was eight and I never really saw him after that.

I asked my mother, and she said my father would take the bins out and mow the lawn. (IMO he only did these things because other people could see him doing them, he was only nice or did things when he had an audience that wasn’t family)

My mum remembers that my dad’s father would help her take dishes out and load the dishwasher after she made a meal for everyone. He also did a small DIY thing to fix a windowsill when he came to stay once. She was so pleasantly surprised by these things she remembers them all these years later. Clearly that behaviour didn’t rub off on my father.

I feel like I just know what a relationship shouldn’t be like, like I know what 100 red flags look like, but not what a green flag should look like. Help, please give me examples of what men should do?

@MeganM3 So you see a "man's role" as "earning good money for the family"? What is a "woman's role" then?

My husband is my partner - we share all responsibilities.
he cooks as many meals as I do and washes up, cleans the kitchen etc.
He is currently renovating our old house on top of a stressful, highly paid job.
He gives as much time to the children as I do and is present at concerts, sports matches etc as much as he can be.
He loves and supports me in all I do. Sometimes this means him encouraging me to go away with friends or out for the evening even though it will make his day more difficult - I do the same for him.
We are each other’s greatest champion.
And the sex is still amazing after 24 years together!

Basically the same list tbh.
My wage is lower than my H wage as I’ve had two lots of extended maternity leave, so a bit behind on the career ladder but I still earn good money for our family.

Same for my mother, and grandmother. All professional women. Doesn’t mean a man shouldn’t also work hard and be ambitious, providing for a family. Do you disagree?

@MeganM3 I think that men and women should be equally responsible for financially providing for their family - so agreeing with you on that one?

All of this.

Ultimately my DH makes me feel calm, safe and content when I am with him. I had relationships in the past which filled me with anxiety and worry and made me act in a way I didn't like.

DH is the complete opposite. We just have a healthy relationship where (I think!) we are the best versions of ourselves when we are with each other!

Practically what do good men do as part of a family to be a good husband and father when not at work?

Bit different for me as DH is overseas for much of the time. But when he is home (either between tours or at weekends),he:

• Does all goodnights with DD's, including reading to them.
• Walks the dogs with me
• Does all the household bits I cannot or will not do (handyman type stuff, like de-mossing the roof and turning the compost)
• Cooks and cleans more than his fair share
• Spends time with his parents and my parents
• All school runs
• Every evening activities for DDs
• Helps DDs with their homework (languages and maths only - I cover the rest)

When he's overseas, he:

• Does all goodnights with DD's, including reading to them.
• Calls me every morning or evening and is always available during the day if I need him (and likewise, I am always available for him)
• Doesn't discuss work (we work for the same organisation)
• Pays 50% of all bills still, even though he can be overseas for up to 4 years at a time and thus isn't contributing to any costs (sounds small, but lots of other wives in this situation do not have this).
• Comes home every few weeks for at least one night, often two.
• Ensures he is present, even via video call, for every parents evening.
• Helps DDs with their homework (languages and maths only - I cover the rest)

Honestly, he's a gem with all of the above. But, for me, the biggest and most important part is being present in our parents and our DDs lives.

Being a UK spouse when your partner is overseas is really hard. People stop making an effort and slip. DH has never, in 12 years of being a parent, or 20+ years of being a husband, done that. He's more present in ours lives than many of DDs friends parents or my friend's husbands - despite, at one point, living nearly 2,000 miles away.

Wow you are all very lucky. My father wouldn't even bring out a mug out to kitchen never mind putting it in the dishwasher or washing up! He wouldn't even change the toilet roll on the holder when it ran out.

@JustPassingThyme Wouldn't put up with that!

I don't really understand the premise of the question - surely men do exactly what women do - with the obvious exceptions of childbirth and breast-feeding.

There's no such thing as "male strengths" and "female strengths". Each person in a relationship has their own individual strengths, and it makes sense to split things based on that, but that doesn't mean there should be man jobs or woman's jobs. The only job I've never been able to do in my relationship was breastfeed, because I lack the equipment.

Aside from that, we split things equally according to our strengths. Are there things that fall into stereotypical gender roles? Of course. DP hates doing the bins, and sometimes jokes it's a mans job. So I do them. But I actually find it an easy job, and it means that I won't have to do something I don't like, so it's fine. Equally, I won't iron, I see it as pointless, and don't tend to wear anything that needs ironing, so that one is DP's job. But if for whatever reason DP can't do it, and DD needs school uniform or something, then I'll happily do it. Equally if I'm in bed with the flu, then DP will do the bins.

I cook, I clean, I changed nappies and did the school run. Equally, DP does plumbing, and DIY, and mows the lawn.

They aren't mens jobs and womens jobs, they're all just jobs, and they get done by whoever has the time to do them, to make sure the whole family has as much free time as possible.

Good men work as a team and want to work as a team.
My DH doesn't have to be asked to do the basics or take the kids he does it naturally and recognises when I need a break (and vice versa).
Childcare is reasonably split he does more drop offs/pick ups I do more activity or weekend stuff due to work.

We do have different strengths around the house so I do majority of cooking and deeper cleaning, DH does washing up, laundry, bins etc.

We communicate and never let resentment brew if there seems to be an imbalance.

The one thing that gets my goat though is my DH is paraded as a pariah by family and friends rather than reality which is being a proper 50/50 parent.

But if you are not, does it matter?

My parents both worked full-time and my dad did loads.

At least 50% of the school runs (mostly mornings).
Most of my sick days from school/bank holidays/INSETS.
All the washing up (mum cooked and preferred to cook)
All the bins
Garden (mowing lawn, raking leaves, cutting branches)
Laundry was split but he ironed his own shirts for work as well as all my school uniforms.
Did 50% of bedtimes, including bath, reading stories etc.
Paid most of the bills including my school fees.

I'm sure there are plenty more things I'm not thinking of. He also taught me to play chess and how to ski, and how to speak basic Italian, and to cook and bake basic things too.

My parents are still happily married and retired now.

Think about anything you do - a man can do any of that

how you split activities between you varies by couple but ten basic idea would be half and half by time and effort

so if you cook does he clear up?
if you grab a duster does he grab the vaccum cleaner ?
do you ever catch him carrying laundry?
does he sort out his families birthday and Christmas stuff ?

Surely it makes sense to share the load? Why are men "praised" so often for doing things that should just be a given?

Well to me the description of these men are nothing like what I saw growing up. If I had a husband doing what has been listed I would be full of praise for him. These things should be given, but they seldom are, at least in my experience.

Ethier way I would be greatful and say thank you if someone did for example the ironing for me. Regarless of if they were my mother, sister, friend, or husband

@JustPassingThyme Why is it your ironing? As in it's your stuff?
I honestly don't know why women put up with lazy men!