No show wedding

[Isthismykarma]

I was an on the day no show at a friends wedding in summer and still feel terrible.
They married abroad on the Saturday and even though I had a really important event on the Friday night I didn’t want to miss either so decided I’d fly the morning of.
I was due to fly very early morning for their afternoon ceremony and I missed my flight because I overslept after a few too many the night before.
I messaged the bride and apologised profusely and sent her £100. She has left me on read since.
I’m 100% on her side with this of course, it was not good enough at all on my part. But I’m left wondering what to do now.
Should I try to message again? We are part of a friendship group of 8 and I’m wondering what will happen now at group gatherings, we haven’t met up as a group yet since.

Yes, you fucked up, but you also tried hard to make amends (including sending the money to compensate for what they'd spent on you). If you look at some of the other "wedding no show" threads on here it's appalling behaviour like not attending without any attempt to explain or apologize. As long as you don't have form for this, I wouldn't be ghosting you if I were the bride - seems pretty harsh in the circumstances.

What is this bullshit about getting married abroad and expect everyone to bow down to you about it. I think the COL passed them by.... 8 people!

Unless you pay for everything, flights, hotel for your nearest and dearest, I'd say sorry, can't make it.

I'd have been in the pub the night before too OP, enjoying my own life.

Most likely to be divorced down the line anyway

Oh dear. All you can do really is apologise to her again, with no excuses, and hope she isn’t going to hold it against you. It’s fucking shit falling out with someone within a wider group when it’s ultimately your fault, I’ve been on the sharp end of that, and am no longer a part of ‘my’ group, so I hope that isn’t the case for you.

Ignore the people being over dramatic and judgemental OP. You made a mistake but you owned up to it and apologised. Yes, the bride has a right to be annoyed but it's not the end of the world. Send her another message and leave it at that. If she doesn't forgive you then that's on her.

We had a few no shows to our wedding. A relative forgot and built some Lego instead. I didn’t really care because they were an obligation invite anyway but it damaged the relationship with some other relatives who didn’t think that was a good enough excuse.

The other no show was one of DH’s friends. Their absence was noted by us and we did worry about what had happened to them for a bit on the day. It didn’t ruin the day but it did take up more than a passing thought. They didn’t reach out afterwards and so there is no relationship at all now. I don’t know how we’d have reacted if they’d reached out. I don’t think I’d have held a grudge but I would definitely advise DH not to go out of his way to help the friend if needed. At least not until they can prove they are a reliable friend.

I think most people’s reaction would be; first a bit sad that you weren’t there (if it actually registered on the big day) then a bit pissed off about the waste of money (maybe for a day or too) then be fine and take the piss out of you for rest of your life.

If the bride were a close friend of mine, I’d pitch up at the next group event with a gift and card and head it off at the pass with a heartfelt apology. If she isn’t a complete dick, she will forgive you.

I'm getting the slight impression that the bride is a bit of a dick to not have replied to the OP's grovelling apology message.

You have been scrupulously honest with the bride. Some would have lied -their car broke down on the way to the airport, for example. A decent person would respect your straightforward nature and forgive you. But you cannot influence how she feels. Only how you react.

I remember reading something about addiction or drinking and drug problems that framed its problematic-ness in terms "negative impact"

Ie. If your drinking / sex life / drug habit is negatively impacting relationships then its problematic.

Your friends wedding was important enough for you to buy a plane ticket and plan go to another country but your inability to control your drinking meant you missed the flight, upset her and let her down on one of the most important days of her life and ruined the friendship.....

That's negative impact if ever I saw it.

I’m 100% with you that the drink certainly did have a negative impact!

I’m unsure if taking it too far once since being very young is enough to constitute an addiction/problem but always happy to learn!

I don’t think it matters too much anyway, as I said upthread, I don’t drink often and have been too ashamed too since so probably just won’t bother again. Only tends to be at occasions but often won’t bother and will be designated driver instead.

Re your reply to me that this was out of character, then yes it’s seems cruel of her to hold a grudge.

But have you not thought to pick up the phone and call her and follow up since she ignored your message? Whilst I think she’s in the wrong to hold it against you, do really think it’s up to you to reach out again. If for nothing else to smooth things over before you get together in a group.

mind you if she’s still going to be mean after that don’t let her cow you. Tell your friends you were in the wrong, owned it, apologised, but you’re not going to stay on bended knee if she can’t move on from it.

Totally agree with this!

Presumably your absence from the wedding didn't ruin the event, or the subsequent marriage. She needs to get over it imo. Very immature and unkind to purposefully "punish" you with the silent treatment for a whole 6 months (!)

Definitely don't stop your friendships with other people in the group over her sulking.

Least said, soonest mended.
Youve done all you can now, and it sounds like shes probably just busy.
Shes told others that she isnt angry.
Whether she is or isnt, i dont think you should mention it now unless she brings it up.
Youre meeting up soon, and then youll be better able to guage if shes annoyed.

I think all you can do is text once more and apologise again, you have already sent them the money for your meal - I don’t think there is anything more you can do.

It was a mistake, you had every intention of going - but didn’t get there. The bride has every right to be pissed off with you, but either needs to get over it or be honest with you and say the friendship is over.

I actually think it was easy done. You had good intentions trying to fulfil both commitments. An event the night before, followed by an early morning flight and a wedding is a lot. It was a risk you took at the time thinking you were able to do it all. You sent an apology and money. Yes I'd be disappointed as the bride but shit happens and I wouldn't want to lose a friend over a mistake they have already took responsibility and apologised for. We're all human.

Would you and your friend message each other individually usually over the period you've been left on read?

I ask because it is possible she was busy with after math of the wedding etc and just hadn't replied and then just not thought of it.

This would be me, but it wouldn't make me think any less of our friendship I have close friends for years who we don't message months on end - or do social media, but we are firm friends and would look forward to seeing each other in the future.

Maybe one more text to ask her now her she is and say your looking forward to the planned her together with the group? If she chats back then if you are so minded you can say sorry again. But it might not be necessary, she may just be busy and not responded and your message is now down the list.

It all depends on what your usual communication patterns are. 🤷

I think as previously mentioned she's got main character syndrome. You have apologised and if despite what the other friends said back to you that she's ok with it but in reality she's still pissed off with you thinking it ruined her wedding then it must have been a shit wedding.

I wouldn't fade out from your other friends.

I do think knowing you'd had a skin full the night before and had an early flight the next morning that only having one alarm is pretty shit planning on your part.

I set three alarms 15 minutes apart just to get up for the day every day as I fall back to sleep so easily, I can see why she would be annoyed at you for your apparent lack of foresight.

Maybe she didn't really know what to say/was busy in the aftermath of the wedding and now it's just gone on too long and it's awkward, perhaps message her and let her know how bad you still feel about it and go from there? If she replies great, if not just leave it and carry on as normal within the group.

We had a few no shows to our wedding. A relative forgot and built some Lego instead.

This really made me laugh. How did you find out? Did his apology text say something like “Sorry, was building the gun turret on the Millennium Falcon and got carried away”?

What is it about MN that anyone who enjoys more than a thimble full of sherry at Christmas has a drink problem ?

Did you at least pay for your place ? As most places cost a lot more than £100 ? It’s the minimum you could do .
Give her time , she will probably be upset , I had 3 people bail on me on the day before my wedding day costed me £500 and honestly I felt above all super disappointed, I could have invited someone else , we only had 100 places . Apart from the disappointment of obviously not being worthy of their time( yes that how it felt at the time ) I was annoyed about having to pay for being disappointed.

Jeez people are very two footed on here 😂

you’ve fucked up, you’re sorry

i’d definitely send another message to your friend, not a long beggy one just a check in and youd love to see her soon, how’s married life etc as you don’t want her thinking you’re not bothered about her if you haven’t texted since the day of the wedding.

Honestly I’d be really annoyed, hurt and disappointed if one of my close friends didn’t show up because they were hungover, I’d feel they hadn’t put a great deal of value on my wedding day and at least set 20 alarms to make sure they were up on time HOWEVER if they didn’t have form for this I’d get over it pretty quick

you can’t undo any of it now so just reach out in a normal friendly way, if she really is still pissed with you and doesn’t want to talk then there’s nothing you can do, certainly doesn’t mean you should change your relationship with your other friends.

Sorry it was typed in haste. Not suggesting you are an alcoholic (although maybe i dont know!) I think its more about reviewing your behaviour amd saying "does this serve me well?"

If you honestly dont think you have a problematic relationship with alcohol...
I still dont think you can say dismiss it by saying "yes i took it too far this one time....but its just one time!!!" but the wedding wasnt a surprise you knew it was coming. Why this one time?

Was it self sabotage? On some level do you want the friendship to end?

If you want to salvage it I'd def try but Id go in person male some big gestures and grovel a lot. Id expect the friendship to still be fucled up and a bit damaged for a while though....

I just cannot understand why you would have a skinful the night before a wedding and an early flight.