How often do you and DH get alone?

[thelongandwindingwind]

I have 2DC from a previous relationship that see their dad EOW. So DH and I would get EOW together. Now, DH and I have a 4mo baby and I genuinely don’t know when we will get time alone together again? Currently not getting a few hours an evening to ourselves, let alone a night. I’m not wanting it right now but I realised today that it could be literal years (sleepover or something) until this happens. DH is strongly against paid babysitters for a few reasons but we don’t have any family to ask- only DH’s sister that we could ask in an emergency ie a health emergency but I don’t think that she’s be willing to babysit for an evening ever for a non-emergency (again, talking about in the future, not right now). Is anyone else in this position?? I don’t really know how I feel about not being able to go out for dinner alone with DH again or to a concert or something.

My family are in a different country but even if we visited or they came here, they’re far, far too lax for my comfort. My siblings and I all have scars from very young ages due to not being watched properly/tripped when holding and banged head etc, you get the gist.

My DH and I have just had a weekend alone as our 4yo and 2yo went for a sleepover with a relative. We've never had a baby sitter, and would be reluctant to. No close relatives, so it's just when someone is visiting basically.

Back when we had kids they were up in bed about 7.30 and we had the evening together. My first baby was a good sleeper so no real issue putting him down. My DD was trickier but after three months she got the hang of it too and it was lovely having some time with my husband most evenings.
At the time there was no recommendation to have them in with you for the first six months - they always had their own room and we used a monitor.

The kids are 14 and 16 now.
DH and I got a whole day with no kids earlier this year...

Surely you'll have every evening together once your baby sleeps through?

About 4 years here until we got an evening out the two of us. Surely you went through the same with your older two?

Yes but we can’t leave them when they’re asleep for dinner/cinema etc.

And to be clear, I’m talking about 1-2 times a year, but even that feels impossible?

If you DH won't accept paid childcare then no, you can't.

But you can have time together at home, or take annual leave together during the week occasionally, or arrange childcare (playdates etc.) on the same day.

Why is your dh against paid babysitters?

You won’t get anytime alone until your DC grows up unless your DH is willing to let somebody babysit. My DH and I have one date night a week and either family or a paid babysitter look after our youngest two

I strongly suggest intentionally building up your network of mum friends/‘village’ throughout the years - DS is now 6 and there’s a handful of other local mums who’ll facilitate long playdates or sleepovers (and I do in return) when convenient who I’d trust way more than a babysitter/random other parent because we’ve built that relationship. That’s normally my go-to for nights out etc, though I utilise paid sitters at a pinch too.

Well, unless you’re counting an hour or two of an evening if little ones have cooperated at bedtime, um… very, very rarely. Since having DC1 four years ago we’ve had one night away in London and that’s it. DC1 will very occasionally (he’s been twice I think) go to my mum’s for a sleepover if we’ve a wedding to go to but we take DC2, who’s now 7 months.
Without paid childcare, I guess trusted family friends are your best bet, but that won’t be until they’re a touch older I suppose. Part of having kids.

We have 2 kids, one in early secondary, one in late primary. Both are ND and no-one wants to look after them both overnight, the younger one also doesn't want to be away from me overnight.

We get about an hour a night when they are asleep and we aren't yet. Plus maybe 2 or 3 times a year we will take a day/half day off work whilst they are at school. Then about 2 or 3 times a year my mum will babysit for an evening (no other relatives willing/able to help).

So not much. But if they were NT I know things would be different and easier.

I do sometimes think my friends who are seperated from the other parent of their children (and have 50/50 custody or close to it) have better quality relationships with their current partners than those of us who don't get any time alone!