8 year old DD does not have any interests/hobbies

[Rainingcatsanddogstoday]

DD just turned 8, Y3. We suspect she is (midly) ND. No diagnosis but we think it's combination of ASD and ADHD. Doing well academically, loves her school and learning. And perfectly behaved at school, a pleasure to teach apparently.

However, she has no interests outside school and is complaining about being 'so bored'. When she was younger she loved drawing, writing, puzzles, lego etc. For the last 2 years she's less and less interested in these things and when she's home she just bounces off the walls, winds us up, cries for endless screen time etc. Her drawings have not improved at all, despite doing lots of art at school, she still draws like a 4 year old.

We let her be, no pressure to do anything but inside I can't help but feel a little worried. She's also struggling with keeping friends, as when she brings girls around, they can be hyper and silly for a bit, they her friends want to sit down, do a craft, do some lego, draw, chill and she just can't keep up with that, she just wants to bounce off the walls, laugh and be silly not stop or watch TV. Then her friends don't want to see her anymore. She's lost soo many over the last 12 months ☹️.

She has a friend since they were both 3 years old. Her friend was slow to start reading/writing/drawing, now at 8 she's amazing with art, gymnastics, lego, crafts etc and I feel like DD feels a little jealous of her and sometimes refuses to meet her, which is really sad as she really is her only long standing friend.

Anyone can relate and offer any advice?

She swims, used to do lessons, but now just goes with her dad once in a while and she enjoys it.

Yes, hobbies that she can do at home so that she doesn't get 'so bored'. Also, doesn't seem to have much is common with her friends (or temporary friends) so she gets very lonely. All girls that we had for playdates over the last year love art, love to sit a chat for a bit, draw, write, lego or something that they get into. She's not into anything, she's just like a toddler who wants to be silly and so they get bored with her and they don't want to meet her anymore, which makes her very sad and lonely. Sometimes they even leave the playdate earlier than planned.

I don't know what to say from reading your posts. Do you think her not being good at activities is a bad thing if she enjoys them?

I would just keep trying different activities until she finds "her thing" / "her tribe". If possible something that's easy but rewards "showing up" instead of something highly technical. Think climbing not ice skating.

My son is not diagnosed ND however we are on a waiting list for a diagnosis.
What made a massive difference to us was finding a sport that he enjoys and that burns a lot of energy. He started swimming at age of 3 and but only learned to swim properly at age 9 - 10 when something clicked. He joined a swimming club just before he turned 11 and now at age of 13 he is winning medals. It gave him focus, discipline and made many friends.

Amazing! Well done him! 👏

DD loves swimming and we are on a waiting list for a swimming club.

I agree with most previous posters, less screen time and more physical activities.
Even if it's just messing about with you at a play ground area.
Preferably walking to the playground if that's an option.
Also, I don't know if your DD would like this, but my nieces, about the same age, have enjoyed Hama beads for 3 years now.
Jewellery making kits are nice too, for gifting jewellery to friends,which might result in a friend of your DD doing this craft with her.

So how often do you take her swimming ?

I think your bar is set pretty high for what participation in these activities looks like. Being good at netball but chatting with friends and mucking about a bit is well within the range of normal for an 8 year old.

Swimming ?

She used to do classes once a week until end of Y2 then she said she didn't want to to do them anymore as she got bored with doing the same routine and it was only 30 mins. She prefers going with her dad and swim freely for 1 hr. But she only goes once or twice a month now as the pool near us is always unavailable.

This. None of that art, puzzle, quiet stuff.

Swimming, netball, football, athletics too. She will need to learn some discipline though. Does she chat in class? Quit gymnastic, it does matter of she is hopeless at it, it will undermine her confidence.

I wouldn't be too sure her situation is mild if she cannot fit in with others or in structured activities.

Our local pool also has pretty restricted options for general swimming so I sympathise.

it sounds like maybe she needs to either do something more active with her current friends, or find friends who enjoy doing active things. Could you try her with Park run, especially if you or her dad are able to run it with her? I haven't been myself but I have considered it for my child with a lot of energy but finds group classes a bit tricky. My son struggles to cope with playdates after all day at school which he finds hard work behaviour wise so I've had to hear that in mind when planning our weeks. He gets so excited to see his friends and then struggles to cope with the heightened emotion. We definitely can't do eg after school swimming lesson then another activity as he just can't deal with it.

I was gonna say my 9 year old is the same... always bored, no interest in any clubs.
But for my DD even the suggestion of a club is met with massive resistance.
She will only attend something if she knows at least person there.
She's just started going to a local youth club which she really enjoys. But that is it.

She only reads at bedtime and that's because she has to. She won't do it out of boredom. She very much won't do anything alone so anything she does at home - crafts etc has to be done with us... which is not always practical. She would never do a puzzle or Lego.
Basically anything that takes thought, concentration or is a bit difficult, she won't do it at all.

Your Dd sounds like she will atleast attend things if you suggest them?

Ignore or 'grey rock' whinging about 'I'm bored' - my son does this but stops after 5-10 mins when I've made it clear I'm busy and respond neutrally.

For him, 'I'm bored' roughly translates as 'I want a screen but I know you'll say no, I'm just trying in case...'

'I'm bored'. 'ok, well there are lots of books/Lego/games to choose from'

'I'm bored' 'Ok would you like to wipe the windows down/sweep up under the table/sweep up the leaves in the garden?' (swap for whatever other age appropriate chore works for your household)...

Mine soon stops...

I just wanted to send some 🌺your way OP as I can sense the sadness in what you write about your DD and friendships. I'm sure, in time, she will grow in maturity a bit and find her people, but this sounds a tricky phase for you all.

One thing you might consider is a gym bar for the garden or a spare room if you have one. We got one for our 8yo DD and she was on it flinging herself upside down most days in the summer for ages.

This is sad about play dates. Would it work better to have a more structured play date (eg take both girls to a trampoline park) rather than playing together at home, as it sounds like that doesn't go well?

At that age I was what my mother called a potcher. Fiddling with stuff with no purpose. I did go to Brownies and I was an avid reader, there was a library at the end of our street. There was nothing to do in our village and my DM didn't drive then so I potched away and had numerous fights with my sister.

do you have a climbing wall near you?
also trampoling could be good. Find some physical activities.

I’d look at sports that don’t involve teamwork - martial arts, running. I’m not keen on gymnastics unless you’re very confident in the club ethos. Is horse riding an option?

with swimming, I’d get her 1:1 coaching once a month, or every 6 weeks, and then encourage her to show off her skills to dad between times.

Let her try new stuff, and pick up and drop hobbies. You could agree that she sticks at it for a term, then switches to something else if she wants. I really wouldn’t worry about practising at home, that’s going to be a losing battle. Just let her explore a bit and trust that she’ll find her niche. The grit will come later.

I’d look at a different instrument than piano. Maybe the violin where you feel the music vibrate through your bones, or a brass instrument where you need to control your breath. Singing can be great for calming the nervous system too. And if she takes to something she might enjoy being in a band - where it’s a team, but individual too.

screen rules are vital though. Set a limit and stick to it. They sap motivation because your dopamine receptors get full, and then everything else is dull and grey and tedious. So avoid them in the morning, and before anything that is low key fun.

the suggestion of active play dates is good. Even better if she can start half an hour before her friend. Or if you’re at home, lure her into the kitchen to make pizza or snacks when her friends chill, have her ferry in drinks one at a time. Better still, only invite one at a time if you can.

What happens if you just let her be bored? Does she eventually find something to do? My son will moan he's bored, when I don't entertain it he's usually made up a role playing game or building a massive brio track.

If she is ND there is a good chance that she is just surviving her way through scool, especially if adjustments aren’t in place. She is likely to be exhausted and not have the capacity for hobbies outside of school.

My DD of similar age will say she’s “so bored” at home after 15 mins. She needs to be doing physical sports 1-2 hours a day to counter that at all. At home she’ll be wanting screens/telly. Not sure why but v different from my other DC who loved Lego, crafts etc. it’s just different dispositions

Sign her up to some clubs and sports. Maybe a team sport.