CBA with any hassle. Peri?

[TattooStan]

I just wanted to know if anyone else can relate to how I've been feeling over the last year or so.
I'm in my early 40s and want to start by saying I'm confident I'm not depressed. Alone, I'm so happy in my own world, getting on with various projects, cooking, exercising, watching films, walking the dog. I'm excited about the future and always planning something exciting.

My issue is I find I can't be arsed with any faff or hassle these days.

My husband cooked an elaborate meal for some guests the other week and I found the whole thing totally soul destroying to bear witness to. The endless clattering of pans, the mess, the sitting around hungry for ages while he brought everything together, the serving bowls on the table to create even more mess (just plate it up for gods sake). Then the fussing around of the guests ("Where should we sit? Oh I hope I'm not in your seat", "Oh you go first, no you go first, oh no I insist") and the fanfare for DH because he'd cooked this totally overblown meal.
I felt myself shutting down and would have been happier with scrambled egg on toast.

It's the same in every situation I'm in. I have zero tolerance for complication, fuss, hassle, and I'm struggling to keep it to myself, so sit there with a face like a slapped arse!

We're doing Christmas alone this year (can't wait) because I can't get through a day of forced fun, hassle, elaborate cooking, pomp. I don't have it in me. I used to. I like ease and simplicity in all things these days.

Is this perimenopause? Or is it a result of having been an adult for 20+ years at this point, and just being a bit tired of certain things I've previously had capacity for?
Can anyone relate?

I'm no expert. But these past few years I have;

1. downgeared on complicated friendships. I return the energy I'm given now. And ended my marriage. It wasn't working for me. I couldn't actively participate in damaging myself any more, in both scenarios.

2. got rid of probably 70% of the stuff I own. The books I've been lugging from house to house since early adulthood, all the unnecessary clothing, kitchenware, random items, furniture, everything.

3. stopped doing anything I do not actually want to do (outside of unavoidable tasks). Going to a party with people I'm not bothered about? No thank you. Giving up my home, time and money to people and their offspring? No, thank you. Visiting family who make me feel terrible about myself? No that doesn't work for me.

4. Started doing things that interest me. If I want to go across the world to look at something nice, I'm going to do it. If I want to get tattoos in places that others don't agree with, well, it's my body and I've done it. If I want to spend my time alone or doing oddball hobbies, YES I AM

😜 Embrace it.

That all sounds so positive and well done for making some brave changes.
I'm also huge on decluttering, paring down, and not doing anything I don't want to do. I'm concerned I'm starting to get a bit selfish though, as my response to a lot is "Fuck no!" I guess I'm wondering if I should be "medicated" out of this frame of mind (hrt), or if it's a natural phase of life.

@TattooStan but do you feel it's a problem that needs fixing? Or do you think, maybe, you're finding who you actually are, what you actually need and like, as you're moving away from jumping up at every little expectation, moving away from how we are socialised to feel as women ? To be smaller, to shut up more, to tolerate discomfort.. It can take years to cut away all that background noise and find this new way.

I bet the things you are conditioned to think of as "selfish" wouldn't even register to a man as being selfish, if it were their behaviour 😜 it would just be normal.

Personally I'm worried that HRT might steal back this new found confidence from me haha, I don't want to go back to being belittled by things that shouldn't have an impact on me. I want to be forthright still, I want to retain this new sense of self. But my whole body hurts/hot flushes/palpitations/all the rest. ..it was quite nice to step down off the tightrope, I hope it doesn't spoil that.

This is probably.going to be a really unpopular perspective but I, for one, am fed up of hearing, "I'm peri..." as a reason for anything beyond physical symptoms that need treating for health and quality of life.

Fed up of being taken for granted? Must be peri.

Irritated by things that are irritating? Must be peri.

Lost interest in being a people pleaser? Must be peri.

Less interested in things that are of no consequence? Must be peri.

No. You're allowed to not want to be taken for granted; be irritated by irritating things; not to be a people pleaser or to say no to nonsense just because you are being taken for granted, irritated, value yourself and its nonsense. It doesn't have to he justified or explained.

Yes, peri can start in your 30s but most of the time it starts mid 40s+ and I'm seeing an increasing number of women 35+ claiming to he peri just because they've started to value themselves and their time a bit more and have had enough of the bullshit.

Why has 'peri' become such a badge of honour?

Yes I agree. I think I'm seeing so much noise around all things peri, I'm feeling pressure to attribute these new aspects of my personality to it. You're right - I value my time more now and know what I like, so there's nothing to "fix" as such.

I think my biggest issue with it is the pressure some women feel to explain, justify and apologise for standing up for themselves.

Ah, the li'l lady can't help it, it's just her hormones.

But also it does seem to be the new catch all, go label for every woman over the age of 30, which both diminishes it for women who are genuinely suffering and provides another means to dismiss women and silence women's voices, "Oh, don't worry. There's no problem. She's 'just' peri!"

I say this because I'm 51 so undoubtedly in 'peri'! 😉

If I'd started attributing my life choices to it when I was in my 30s, I'd potentially have had 15 years of saying it by now. And menopause itself isn't even on the horizon.

If I don't go through menopause until 55, I could have been saying it for 20 years by then.

You're just comfortable with yourself and your choices now. That's all.

Do you follow @ justbeingmelani on Instagram? She does funny posts as head of the 'we do not care club' for peri/menopausal women, and I think a lot of her stuff would resonate with you.

I am sure there is something in falling oestrogen levels that makes us less likely to be people-pleasing, caring types, but I also agree with previous posters that part of it is just getting older and wiser and more comfortable with yourself.

I couldn’t agree more.

i too have lost patience with trivialities and unnecessary drama. I’ve started saying no actually that doesn’t work for me. I’m very unpopular as a result simply because I’m saying what I think and not people pleasing any more. It’s a personal growth thing not peri or anything negative

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a lot less broken, and a lot more empowered, thanks to your comments!

@GreyCarpet unfortunately I am under 40 and most definitely in full blown peri, it started in 2022. I have all the physical symptoms on top of the mental stuff. And truth be told, a lot of the mental effects aren't good; brain fog, forgetfulness, random anxiety waking at X am in the morning etc.

I refuse to not acknowledge my diagnosis just because it can also be used as a trending "catch all". I love that it's getting a light shone on it in media. I don't have any close female relationships in my family to be able to discuss this stuff, so without half the stuff I've learnt there (and robustly fact checked!) I would not be able to advocate for myself half as well as I have had to at the doctor's.

And speaking of doctors, it STILL isn't taken seriously by them whatsoever. They either offer antidepressants, claim that a blood test proves all (hormones fluctuate so much that it doesn't) or they ask you to come back in half a year if the meds don't work. Imagine a man waiting half a year on the wrong meds?!

Things have moved on in the past twenty (fifty, hundred, ++) years. Women assume peri/meno will happen aged 45+, and looking around my own small sample of friends and myself, it just isn't true.

Symptoms and experiences which would previously have been dismissed as "just life"... Yeah, no, we don't want to buckle under that disillusion any more. I'm going to take up the space I need to, to talk about the all-encompassing things that are happening to me. And lack of caring about annoying stuff, lack of willing to bow to things I don't like (as asked about by OP) was one of my first symptoms.

LamonicBibber1

I completely understand but I suppose this is partly my point.

Whilst it's thrown around casually by increasing numbers of women just into their 30s to justify perfectly reasonable things like not taking other people's shit, the reality and seriousness for other women is diluted and obscured. Women are allowed to say something pisses them off without apologetically diverting blame to their hormones. That's not the same as increasing awareness about the realities of the stages of menopause.

I have a friend who went through the menopause in her mid 30s. I know it can happen younger than 50s but I do find it jarring to read stuff on MN or fb where women are raising justifiable grievances and then topping it off with, "I'm probably just peri! 🤣"

I'm 51 and recognise all the mental stuff you've outlined but, tbh, I'm not particularly happy that it's become this generation's, "I'm a bit OCD..."