Sometimes it's not the marriage?

[Ohtheshambles]

A friend said to me that they feel I'm in an unhappy marriage.

I disagreed and said it was my mental health that was the issue and actually my marriage was good and DH is fantastic. I did admit that if my MH doesn't improve it will wreck my marriage.

They're a good friend and has reason to express concerns due to how I'm feeling, things I've said, my behavior, my feelings about work etc.

FYI I'm not in the least bit mad - good friends should be able to express concern.

I guess I'm worried about there being some truth in it - my mental health is bad at the moment and I am working on it. But it's entirely possible that I've got poor mental health and an otherwise good marriage right?

People have breakdowns in good marriages. They are separate. It does sound like you need to be dealing with it fast.

It’s possible.

but having been on mn for nearly 20 years, I’d say there’s been at least one post every single day of godawful marriages where the op, the wife, is utterly oblivious to what a good marriage looks like.

That’s so true. I’m always surprised jist how many Women dont realise that they are either in a DA situation or saddled with a Cocklodger, or more often, both.

No dv, no cocklodger. A genuinely great guy, equal partner, active parent. Supportive of me and all round good husband.

So did she say why she feels you’re in an unhappy marriage then?

Because of my mental health. I've got anxiety and depression and I'm generally just "not well". I can become a bit self destructive when my mental health is poor, which can be interpreted as wanting to end my marriage. But I don't. I just want to feel better.

I am getting help. It's just taking time to get better. So I'm not at massive risk currently.

Your friend has slightly jumped the gun by assuming that your MH issues are caused by an unhappy marriage. It could easily be the other way round, or your MH troubles could be just that, and nothing to do with your marriage at all.

It's entirely possible, yes.

But is the marriage good for your husband?

Currently. And will remain so if the help kicks in soon. Otherwise it won't be.

No detail required as it’s your business but do you know why you have anxiety and depression ?

Yes, a marriage can be good and one or both partners can still be suffering for other reasons. Various external factors can put strain on an otherwise good marriage, like problems with in-laws, money problems, etc. And mental health as you say can cause stress on a marriage. I had a breakdown because of the Mirena and then untreated perimenopause and it put severe strain on my marriage, but luckily I - and we - made it through.

I suspect it's hormonal for me as well, I'm of that age!

Solidarity. If you haven't already, start doing research about HRT online. I've been to two doctors who dismissed me as having anxiety (I do have anxiety, but it's controlled by medication - this is a whole different kind and level of anxiety) despite me having night sweats, acne, irregular periods. I'm 43 and they said I was 'too young' for perimenopause. I finally found a menopause specialist but it has been hard. And apparently so many women face the same ignorance and invalidation. One thing I've done that has really helped is using Vagifem - I can get it over the counter in my country. Vaginal estrogen is localised and doesn't enter the body's system, so no risk, and huge benefits.

Edited to add - British doctor Louise Newson has some vital info on her site.