Why is my partner such a cheapekate?

[bulgarian]

My long term partner is what you’d call a cheapskate. He’s been the same since we met 10+ years ago at university. He prides himself on being a “bargain hunter” and has a bit of a reputation as someone who can find great deals.

But sometimes it’s a bit ridiculous. Say he goes to the supermarket to get dinner, he’ll essentially just buy whatever is in reduced to clear if we like it. He can easily leave a shop with 80% of the items being on offer or reduced to clear.

We never buy anything new in terms of furniture and often second hand but good quality clothes. He can spend months waiting for a specific item to come up. Which is great when it does, and everything we own is very nice quality, but it is a hib hodge podge.

How do you explain this behaviour? For what it’s worth mentioning, we also have a pretty healthy combined income (£250k+) so it’s not out of need.

Well there's frugal and then cheap, your DH sounds cheap. You need to remind him that financial security is great but you can't take it with you

seems okay with you as it’s not a new thing, I hate skinflints (aka bargain hunters) everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

He sounds a miser.

When you ask why is he like that, it seems that he's always been that way. Is his family the same? I love a bargain, but I would hate to be tight about everything. Are you still ok with the way he is?

Does it go back to his childhood perhaps?
But a quarter of a million a year and not being able to have what you actually want for dinner and settling for whatever had a yellow sticker in the supermarket is actually insane.

I’m the same as your DH when it comes to clothes and furniture. I do love a bargain - there’s a particular satisfaction in hunting down something great at a good price that never wears off, versus the short-lived pleasure of just walking in and buying something in a mainstream shop, which requires so little thought.

But the main motivator for me is to try not to contribute to the merry-go-round of shite; the needless production of more and more and more stuff, virtually all of which will end up in landfill. And from the same point of view I can understand buying food that might otherwise go to waste. If his primary motivator is penny-pinching, though, it’s a miserable way to live (even if the net positive impact is the same) because it suggests such a joyless, score-keeping approach to everything, which would be draining to live with.

And you shouldn’t be made to feel unhappy and as though you’re constantly missing out because of his habit (obsession?), especially when you can pretty much afford to live however the hell you like!

Can you get to the bottom of his reasoning, and maybe find a way to compromise so you both get what you want? And why aren’t you getting an equal say in how your joint income is spent in the first place?

As long as he buys things you like, I don't see an issue.

At that level of income, perhaps he plans to be mortgage free by 40, and all the possibilities that opens up. Perhaps he wants his future dcs to be privately educated. Perhaps he wants to buy a holiday home on an island. Have you ever asked him his long term plans? What is he saving for?

Do you feel free to spend your own money on whatever you want? Or does he want to control that?

What does he say when you ask why he does this? I do admire people that don't spend just for the sake of it, but he needs to be told that you are going to spend how you see fit and enjoy your own personal money.

I agree with this, and have in the past been a yellow sticker-hunter myself (out of necessity rather than choice). Those reduced items he's buying are what other people rely on.

Does he treat you well, buying you stuff, taking you to nice places? What about kids?

What was he like when you dated, did you go Dutch? Who pays the bills?

I couldnt be with such a man tbh

Buying reduced is all very well...I do it myself on occasion. But quality is key here (Tesco, I'm looking at you). 10p off a bag of salad that is slimy is an absolute no. So is a pack of yogurts with three split and leaking that has 20p off.

Morrisons OTOH do excellent reductions. But I wouldn't touch Tesco with a barge pole.

While in theory everything is good in moderation, a lot of women suffer from the opposite problem. Their husbands have no control over their impulses or finances. My best friend is a really tough spot right now. Her husband had an accident and cannot work. They have no savings, and a lot of debts. They can't remortgage so on a variable rate which is costing them dearly.

If you can't stand buying second hand items, I suggest you don't shop together. It's not worth breaking with with a partner of 10 years over something so insignificant, in my opinion. Perfection does not exist

Love a bargain or a win on eBay but not some crappy food I wouldn't eat usually. Charlie Bingham or a free range chicken half price? I'll take that but not eg own brand supermarket value curry or fish pie and certainly not with that income. Doesn't drive an expensive car does he?

my DH is the same but in the end it utterly broke me. where does all the money go?