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Was I ungrateful?

11 replies

OhCrumbs90 · 19/10/2025 09:54

For background I've been with DP about 8 years. We have a DD together. DP is currently off work for various reasons (both physical/MH) and drinks quite heavily. He's went to the GP about this and is currently in therapy. He was drinking last night (although he has cut down generally) and had planned to sleep on the sofa to let me have the bed as he snores/flails when drinking. I was content enough to sleep in the spare room as it tends to be cosier/warmer and sleeping on the sofa exacerbates his physical issues. I was exhausted by 10pm so took myself into the spare room and texted him to let him know I was there so he could have the bed. My phone was on silent and I fell asleep. Around 11.30pm, DP bumbles into the room turns on the light and starts rambling about how I should read my messages after texting him etc. I look at my phone and he had texted to say "take the bed, get a good night's sleep. I need you to watch DD tomorrow so I can do some diy"
He tells me to go back into our bedroom to sleep and reiterates what he said in the text whilst chastising me for not reading them. Bleary eyed I trudge in and he goes off downstairs again. I was too tired for an argument. He then sends another message to say "stop ignoring your phone when you sent me a message, this all could have been avoided if you had read my messages" The irony is, I'm now exhausted today as I was so annoyed at being woken last night and couldn't sleep for ages. When I did sleep I had terrible nightmares.. Although he will say he was being considerate, I feel it was controlling and he was essentially punishing me for not reading/replying to his texts. His behaviour felt quite irrational/unstable. When I mentioned it this morning he brushed it off and muttered something about "well you can sleep in the spare room from now on then". I appreciate I may be blowing this out of proportion as I'm still tired however he sees it as a good deed being thrown back in his face.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 19/10/2025 09:55

His message was awful his behaviour was awful

freshpyjamas · 19/10/2025 09:57

He was drunk and belligerent.

Who demands that someone should wake up from their nights sleep to read messages?

A drunk and unreasonable person, that’s who.

OP you sound worn down.

You need to think about your relationship seriously - is that how you want your DD to think women should be treated by men?

Sending hugs.

HardworkSendHelp · 19/10/2025 10:01

The man is an arsehole to wake you up to tell you to read his message. You are not being ungrateful and do not let him gaslight you on this.

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Seeingadistance · 19/10/2025 10:02

He sounds awful.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 19/10/2025 10:08

His behaviour felt quite irrational/unstable.

Thats because it was. It was the behaviour of a drunk.

He might be making the right noises about addressing his problem with alcohol but it's obviously not working.

Have you tried getting support from Al-anon or one of the organisations set up to help the families of alcoholics?

You shouldn't have to put up with this type behaviour. And most certainly your children shouldn't..

WildWildHorses · 19/10/2025 10:12

Take him at his word and sleep
in the spare room until your divorce goes through. He sounds awful.

DiscoBob · 19/10/2025 10:17

What an arsehole. And why wake you up to make you read a crappy text. Presumably this DIY of his was far from an emergency. And why did he make you leave the bed you were already sleeping in?

Seriously tell him to leave the house.

Octavia64 · 19/10/2025 10:18

not considerate.

he was drunk.

OhCrumbs90 · 19/10/2025 14:37

Thank you everyone for the replies. On one hand I do know his behaviour was outrageous but because he was so annoyed, it nearly made me think "hold on does he have a point?" To answer a couple of questions, I have contacted Al anon in the past but I didn't find them terribly helpful tbh, the guy just rambled on about "his alcoholic". Group sessions are tricky due to the nature of my job. He owns the house and we aren't married so I haven't got much financial security. I have been trying to save as much as possible but it's difficult with him being off work as I've been footing more of the bills.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 19/10/2025 17:37

Well, he is irrational, unreasonable and unpleasant.

I would simply quietly start making plans to leave. It might take a while but this isn’t going to get any better.

MumChp · 19/10/2025 17:45

I would tell him to get sober or look for another wife. I wouldn't accept this.

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