How do you heal from someone being cruel to you

[Marriner]

Someone was very cruel to me a long time ago. Ten years ago. And it was my own family, which was worse.

Looking back, I can see it happened because she was jealous. I was doing well in my career at the time, I was also a very nice and kind person. My cousin was not doing well in life at the time. She was on benefits and was struggling. I never looked down on her, but she was very jealous of me. She was also a colder person than me.

The last time i met her, ten years ago, she did something extrememly cruel to me.she genuinely did something bad to me and i didnt do anything to her. If i could describe us - she was cruel and i was nice. We fell out after what happened. She then lied about what happened - because she didnt want to say what she did. She lied to several of my other cousins about what happemed and they also stopped talking to me. I had got on well with all of these cousins before that.My elderly grandmother, who i had got on well with, also stoped talking to me after what happened.i know she cared about me but she was pushed into cutting me off by my cousin and her father. My granny died two years after so i never saw her again. She stopped talking to me because of my cousins lies.

All of those people, including my grandmother, were also wrong to do what they did to me

But my cousin was the instigator and she was a master at being very cruel and was very good at lieing and turning people against each other. I would describe this cousin as very extreme and destructive. She couldn't just have a small argument. She wouldnt rest until she turned multiple people against the person she was arguing with.

This all happened ten years ago. I keep thinking about the unfairness of her lying about me, about the relationships i lost, including with my own grandmother.

I was nice and kind at the time, and I feel that a bad person won. The world is not fair.

What's worse, is I used to be nice and kind. But I feel what happened with my cousin has hardened me. I keep thinking how it was so unfair, I didn't deserve it, i am suffering mentally over it, and now Iam turning into a cold, bad tempered, very angry person. I dont like the person I have become.

I don't want to be like this. I dont want my past trauma to make me become cruel and cold to others. I want to heal, But i dont know how to heal from it.

Has anyone on here healed from someone elses cruelty? Please dont suggest therapy because ive gone and it doesnt work for me.

I want to do self healing. Thanks so much for any advice

I hate people - that when they have an argument with someone, they want to turn everyone else against that person too.

"Im not speaking to her, so you can't speak to her"

It is nasty and immature

I was just remembering another argument in our family that was over jealousy!

So the problems that i had with my cousin. That cousin is on my dads side.

My mum and dad are from two different countries, so neither side know each other.

On my mums side, my mum also had a jealous cousin. My mum said that this cousin tried to start trouble and make everyone fall out.

My mum has a sister. At the time, the two of them were very close. The sister had a serious boyfriend. She was with him for years.

Mum told me that the cousin came round and told her that her sisters boyfriend (now husband) was cheating on her. Mum said one word "really?".
The cousin then went round to mum's sister and told her that my mum was the one who said that the boyfriend was cheating on her. She hadnt said it.

Mum and her sister then fell out. The sister refused to speak to mum for two years. Mum kept saying she didnt say it. Mums sister thought she said it, and was trying to split them up.

Eventually after seeing the cousin lie about other things, mums sister came to the conclusion that she may have lied about this.

People can be so nasty. I also hate how alot of people just believe what they are told about someone , without questioning it.

Unless these people are spineless or lack capacity… this is entirely on them

So is the best thing - to see them as flawed individuals and forgive them.

Sometimes i sit at night, angry about it all. I feel it has made an angrier person in general.

The trauma has made me angry.

Its like when soldiers come back from war, and are angry and lash out at everyone.

I want to heal from it and be less angry. I keep thinking 'she cut me off from my gran who loved me and i loved her' and i cant seem to accept the loss.

It is cruel whatever way you look at it. A cousin turning a grandmother against another cousin

Having had bereavement counselling myself; I wonder if this would help you to heal from the rift with your Granny?

I read that it isn't the actual trauma that causes so much pain, but the lack of acknowledgment from others about what happened to you.

I was treated very badly by a sibling. Everybody else just ignored it. I think that's what hurts. That they're just allowed to treat you like that with no adverse consequences to them.

Talking therapies has helped a bit for me. That and dh and my dc agreeing that what they did was awful.

The best thing I to focus on improving and filling your life now so that stuff that happened a decade ago is squeezed out of your mind and replaced by a happy fulfilled present

I agree with @Bishopstail OP.
i think there is definitely something worse about how “third parties” (not the person causing the problem and not you, so everyone else) treats you in response to the situation that can make things worse or better.

Your post resonates very much with me - but not just from family scenarios sadly.
I hope this response and the abridged story I’m about to tell you helps in some way.
I post on MN a lot in response to threads about disability if you want to see btw.
Story goes - I have a severely disabled DD. Had her at 42 (unexpected pregnancy) with DH after 3 years when we had a DD due at full term. So lots of trauma floating around for me and for our extended family.
My DD had a named health professional (I won’t use rank as this is why I wasn’t believed) who - after 2 years of knowing them just professionally (for DD) assaulted me. Now, don’t get me wrong the assault - while not rape or physically damaging - was terrifying and traumatic.
But it was NOTHING in terms of hurt like the disbelief from my own family (nor DH’s side though his brother openly called me a liar - his reason was he couldn’t believe that two really bad things could happen to me (like wtf??) ) and from the NHS when I reported the assault - that hurt far far more.
The police believed me but couldn’t charge in a he said/she said scenario. So I took the bastard to court. I didn’t win but at least I got the finding that I wasn’t lying.
I had EMDR therapy and trauma focused CBT at the same time (same professional). I don’t think I’d be anything like I am now if I hadn’t done that therapy.

You can’t change people OP - but you can change how you feel about it.

I will never forget or forgive - but I don’t t care much any more about those people or that event so that helps me focus on the good things - my daughter and my interests (painting). And my final thing from my side - I made a tiny sale from my art for the first time today - I never saw good things coming 6 years ago, but finally now I can!

It’s a bit easy to say but harder to get to - living for you is the best thing you can do to overcome the hurt.

Some peoples family are just arseholes. Have some counselling and try to move forwards. Plus focus on the upside, which is that you no longer have to mix with these people. Try to fill that void with hobbies, people you like, pets etc.

I come from an incredibly toxic family and I cut them off. I moved to another country kind of cut them off. There is a long history of physical, mental and s*xual abuse in my family - which I suffered all of. I want no part of them and I feel zero guilt for walking away and building my own life.

I suffer from ptsd from the things that happened to me and I am a very sharp, no nonsense kind of person.

I went through psychotherapy for many years of my life and when I feel I’m getting into a bad place I go right back. I’m not on antidepressants and I take medication for situational anxiety. I protect my peace and I couldn’t give a shiny 💩 if someone doesn’t like me, doesn’t talk to me or doesn’t want to be a part of my life.

I’ve read all your updates and if you feel you are traumatised etc- then a professional psychologist is the way to go. I understand you want to read books and “self heal” but that’s a bunch of nonsense. The people that write those books have had years of therapy and they make money writing their inspirational stories. Those might feel comforting to read but they aren’t going to help you.

You don’t touch much on what your life is like now. The biggest bit of advice I can give you is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living. Get help.

Darling girl, it is so so so incredibly unfair when someone does something like this to you. My MIL and Sister’s in law recently plotted against me to set me up in a lie and completely assassinated my character. It was horrible and awful, they made me out to be something I am not, but know this: Folk know about folk, they really really do. People knew my in laws were not kind and not nice people, and they knew who I was, your goodness and good character shows, even when you think it does not. You are a good genuine person, and the fact that this still affects you is testament to that, your brain genuinely cannot understand how people can be so cruel, so it is still trying to process it. I would recommend therapy if you have not had therapy already, stop the ruminating thoughts , and focus on the love and happiness you deserve in life

It was your grandmother’s choice to cut you off.

What did your cousin say you did?

I am struck by a few things in your OP. But first I want to say I believe you - if you dont come from a toxic family it is really hard to understand how nasty people can be. A lot of people just dont really accept it can be as bad as it can be.

You say you had therapy and it 'didn't work'. I wondered what your goals were? What type of therapy you had? And whether it was the right time for you to be doing it? There is a saying in therapy it has to be the right help from the right person at the right time. Perhaps it did not come together for you that way before but that doesnt mean it wont in the future.

Its worth going back to therapy but with a clear idea of what you want. Do you want to tell someone your story who will understand and believe you? That is important in itself. Do you want to spend less time focusing on the past and dealing with memories or thoughts about it differently? Or do you want justice? IME, that last one is what people most commonly want, but its highly unlikely and hankering for it keeps you stuck.

You may benefit from ACT, EMDR or a counselling approach.

OP I agree it's the lack of belief and validation which hurts more than the original abuse, in these cases.

Those with healthy family dynamics simply won't understand and will struggle to believe because to someone who has been brought up in a "normal" family who resolve their differences in a healthy way, the whole thing sounds preposterous.

Hence you get lots of "Well why didn't they stand up for themselves", "who just cuts someone off for no reason?" - unless you've been in the middle of one of these dysfunctional families, you have no idea.

And the problem is, as you've identified in your own family history, it's a multi-generational thing. Your uncle grew up thinking it was normal to cut off family members. Your cousin has been brought up that way too. They think it's "just what you do" and they've never had the courage to say "wait, hang on a minute..." and break out of that pattern

You have the opportunity here to break those patterns and move towards a healthy relationship model for yourself and any people you choose to allow to get close to you. But as another poster said, trying to do it on your own is really not effective. You need to find a therapist (not a counsellor) who is trained in resolving these type of unhealthy patterns and helping overcome trauma.

You've been trying to heal on your own for 10 years and you are still crippingly angry and it's affecting you badly. You need someone to give you professional help.

There's a thread on the relationships board of Mumsnet called "but we took you to stately homes" which might be very helpful to you.

They are flawed individuals. I understand how hard it must be to grieve the loss of what you wanted and deserve which is a kind and caring family. Everyone deserves that. The anger is a valid emotion because you have been wronged. It’s important to acknowledge it . I think on one level it’s a loss. You cannot control how these people think or behave. But you can control you. Even if they are family. To heal you need to make a choice. You need to decide to vote for your future or stay stuck where you are. You can choose to let them consume the rest of your life with toxic rumination about the past, the wrongs and even the fact they haven’t changed. It’s normal to them to behave this this way- your uncle said it himself.

But it’s not normal for you because you are different to them. You recognise what is healthy and what isn’t. So take some comfort in that and be proud that you know the difference. If you choose to let them harden you then you will become as low as they are. You will let bitterness in. You will let their toxicity live inside you and it will start to come out in your own behaviour to others. Do you want that? Or do you want to stop it right there and be the decent person you were? You need to feel proud that you are a kind and nice person. Just because they abused that does not mean everyone else will. There are many good people in the world.

We cannot always choose how people treat us but you can choose your response. From this day forward you can choose yourself. You can choose to treat yourself with respect - the respect you deserve. What does that look like for you?

setting boundaries with yourself? How long you allow yourself to ruminate? Separating the pain you feel internally from the story - emotions and pain can flow through us - notice , acknowledge and let go. Realise you are not the only person in the world who has experienced unfairness, injustice ( the source of your anger I expect). Life is unfair. Look up radical acceptance. It’s happened. The sooner you accept it the sooner you stop suffering. I know. It’s tough. But you have one life. Now you must choose how to fill it and how you want to live. Ask what do you gain by continuing to hold on to this situation?

You will always have this past, this loss. This trauma. No one can make that go away. You cannot make it so it never happened But you can shrink the impact it has on you. That’s the way you heal.

You learn to carry on and find the joy in the small things. When the dark thoughts come you can choose to not let them overwhelm you. You don’t have to keep paying them attention. You practice. You feel where the pain is in your body like an energy, you breathe, you let it pass through.
I hope you can move on.

Families can be so horrible. I’ve found over the years that life is actually nicer and easier without the toxic ones in it.
DONT let them rule your life, especially 10 yrs on.
Its sad that you lost your relationship with your granny but she made that choice, not you.
Remember the years you had with her when you were close.
Move on from the cousin and rest of them. Your life is too precious to waste on bitterness towards them.

In our situation, one of the nasty bastards was a woman who would have withheld her kid from anyone in the family in touch with us.

We couldn't compete with that.

Was there anything like that said to your gran? @Marriner

I have a very similar story to you OP. It was my sister and I was completely blindsided by it.

I had very dark times and tried counselling.

What really works for me is giving myself permission to feel all the emotions. I allow myself to sit with it for a while and then I pack it away and focus on my new reality. It happened 8 years ago and I go through seasons of emotions (especially around family celebrations). I have accepted the situation and that has been huge in my recovery but this has been helped with allowing myself to feel the emotions as they come on.

Like you, other family members ended up treating me very badly based on her lies. I will never forgive them for it and I don’t have to. However, I can hold onto the memories of more special memories with them and remember them fondly.

I see it as a past version of family that no longer exists. I focus on being happy now. I also know that I wouldn’t like her in my life now so things are just how it should be. I miss the idea of having a sister but I don’t miss her. When I am sad, I am often grieving the idea of a family. Christmas is hard as we have no one to visit and my children’s Christmas’ used to be filled with family visits and cousins all sharing experiences.