13yo son (not) socialising

[ECT22]

Just looking for reassurance really, from anyone with experience.

My DS is 13 and in Y8. He is a nice, friendly, somewhat nerdy, boy. He is friendly with various people/groups, and says he hangs out with ppl at break and lunch and has a laugh with them. However, he doesn’t have a fixed group and doesn’t really socialise out of school, at least not with consistent good pals. Every couple of weeks there will be some arrangement made on the class group chat, and a few of them will meet to go to the park or McDonald’s etc. But he says he doesn’t always enjoy it as ppl look at their phones all the time, or just want to play video games, or it’s boring etc etc. He’s reluctant to set up smaller chats or message people directly, making excuses such as ‘I don’t know if they will be free’. He spends a lot of time at home just reading or doing things with me.

He’s not a football boy, and feels left out of football cliques. He trains in a sport, but it’s not a team sport, and the kids who are there change week to week. He meets up with a small group to play board games every few weeks, but that is arranged by parents and he doesn’t feel they are his people.

In short, he hasn’t found his tribe, and I am sad about it and don’t know what to do. He says he is ok and not unhappy, but clearly wants to have a close group. Any wise words?

OP sadly from what I hear a lot of the younger generation are like this. They sit on phones and don’t meet up in person. Very boring! I don’t think they like putting themselves out there and risking rejection. Perhaps more flaky with plans and find it hard to organise.

The worst thing my mum did when I was 13 was pressure me to mix. It turned me into a people pleaser and made me vulnerable to bullying

My son didn’t find his tribe till he went to college. He had friends, but preferred to spend most of his time on his own on the computer. Now he’s 17, met a new group of people and we hardly see him! He was popular at Primary but High school really didn’t suit him and he said everyone was just trying too hard to be something they were not.
Keep offering opportunities for your son to do things but keep it light and allow him time to find out who he is.

2llsinllama your son sounds similar to mine. That gives me hope!

Really good point, stale - something for me to be aware of in how I handle it

My son is also in Year 8 and I too worry about him not socialising much. Very similar to what you have described. He had some bad experiences in Year 6 of going to the park alone with friends and fights breaking out, so I think he feels nervous. When I was in year 8 myself I was very sociable, going to town with friends every weekend and we would be around each others houses after school.

I'd encourage him to take up another out of school activity if possible. The more he does, the more it gives him a wider 'pond' than just school. Meet different people and adds perspective. Something where they are doing an activity side by side so social interaction isn't forced can make it easier. Ideally something he's truly interested in, so the social interaction isn't forced but is a side effect. Then it's less important if they're not necessarily his tribe or type of people. But he'll be low-key adding to his experience of social interaction. As pp have said, his tribe can come later.

My son (14) sounds very similar to this. Lots of friends in school but doesn’t see them outside. He find it boring and like your son, says it’s just people hanging around looking at their phones so he doesn’t see the point!
He's content with things so I’m past the worrying about it stage.

Mine is only now finding his (v nerdy 😀) tribe at uni. I must be honest I’ve been worried for years but actually if it really doesn’t bother them it does build a great resilience which is v useful in life. Mine doesn’t seem to get lonely at all - v happy to do what he wants to do on his own but v happy to chat to others as needed. Strong character and all that..

V wise to advise not worrying if they are not too bothered! I’m working on this… I get such a pang when I see groups of young teen boys knocking about together - even tho I also love snuggling up with my boy and watching TV.

I think for some people they get enough out of socialising that it doesn't matter if it's not with the ideal group of people whereas for others it's only worth it if it's the right people.

My child’s also year 8 used to play out a lot in primary but prefers staying in now he’s at highschool, has friends at school but doesn’t seem to have a group who he hangs with outside school yet.

My son was like this throughout his early teens, and he still very much loves being at home and his own company, but he found a wide range of friends through work and uni. Try not to pressure your kid into being someone he isn’t, I know it’s hard not to worry.

My son is in year 8 and doesn’t socialise either. He does play for a football team (low level) once a week but other than that never socialises outside of school and has no interest in doing so. It does worry me but he seems happy so I try and let him just be who he is. He loves the academic side of school but just isn’t a fan of socialising (think probably autistic but no diagnosis). He’s happy this way so we don’t pressure him about it. You are not alone!

Thank you, it’s so reassuring to know people are in the same boat! Especially those with now older young men who are thriving on their own terms 😊