What age is too late to have a child for a women? Also if both probable parents have a learning disability is it ok too to have children?

[Benny91]

Me and my partner are both 32 and are thinking it’s getting too late and also for us having a learning disability we feel we shouldn’t have any children as normal people do.

I feel we shouldn’t have any children, as they’ll get bullied at school seeing as we’re both disabled and they probably have learning disabilities too. As well as we don’t have many friends as we both feel we don’t fit in with normal adults! What do you all think?

32 is average. On the young side for many demographics. Can you reach out to social services or your GP for advice and counselling?

Your age isn't a problem but if you don't have good support systems around you I have to be honest and say you may struggle with the demands of raising a child. Why does your partner want a child?

32 would be young in my circle of mum friends and work colleagues. At 42 you might start thinking you are too old….

I hope you get the answers you need, but the real question is about what support you will get and how your learning disabilities will affect your ability to be a parent.
There is something called a pre-birth assessment that might happen if you become pregnant and social services have concerns as to whether you would be able to meet the baby's needs.

If you put into Google 'pre-birth assessment' and view content created by councils, then you might get a good idea as to what support you might get and an idea of the assessment itself.

Sure ....you can have children. Do you both have mental capacity? What are the learning disabilities? remember ADHD and autism are not learning disabilities

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/parents-to-be/what-is-a-pre-birth-assessment-and-what-may-happen-after-one-is-completed/

The link I sent is relevant advice if you became pregnant.
There's an organisation called 'Sure Start' that might be able to offer you further advice.

Not wanting to have a baby is a good enough reason not to have a baby and you have every right to tell your partner no.

If your child has learning difficulties they may well require a lot more care than the average child for a lot longer and in many cases this ends up being left to the Mum.

Do either of you want to have a baby?

As others have said, your support system is very relevant and your family could be part of that.
If you were to become pregnant, social services might well examine that in detail and calculate risk as appropriate depending on your capabilities. The assessments can be extremely thorough, but it would depend on your abilities to care for your baby's needs.

Are you still thinking of becoming a bus driver @Benny91 or have you been one for three years?
Looking at your other threads is a bit confusing.

YouTube has some good links if you insert 'pre birth assessment' into the search bar.

your age is fine and the way you have worded your question tells me you’ll be fine having a baby with your learning disability as you cone across very eloquent.

It depends on the type of learning disabilities and how they affect you both.

I started trying in my early thirties (partner similar age). It took six months and all was fine. I bf for two years and when I stopped I discovered my fertility had gone off a cliff. I was shocked. Everyone is different. Some people will say they had no problem conceiving in early forties and that early thirties is young but the reality is everyone is different.
My sister started trying at 33 and they struggled and never ended up having any dc so maybe there’s a genetic element.
Whether or not you personally have plenty of time or it’s too late is not something anyone can answer, except maybe a fertility expert.

I can’t answer for you OP because I don’t know your situation and how much your learning difficulties would affect your ability to raise a child.

All I can do is give you an opinion based off my own circumstances and I chose not to have children.

I don’t have learning difficulties but both my and my DP of 12 years are neurodivergent. Luckily we both had opposite strengths and abilities and were a huge support to each other but struggle we every day with challenges in life and we decided not to have children based on this. It’s become harder as we get older and both of us have needed extra support.

I don’t regret it, we have had a great childfree life with lie ins, loads of travel, we both worked night or evening shifts as we struggle with mornings and prefer a nocturnal lifestyle, our friends are the same and our social life works with that. We can be spontaneous and have a duvet day if we are struggling or devote time to hobbies and spend money on ourselves with no guilt.

I occasionally feel I’m left behind, different and not doing what life expected me to do. I had huge amounts of pressure to have kids but I know we wouldn’t have coped. I have been told over and over that you cope when you “have to” that wasn’t reassuring.

The other important part of this is that I never really felt maternal or desperately wanted children, I felt I needed to have them as it was expected and so I could feel less inferior to my peers. I don’t give a shit about that now and I realise everyone is different and needs to do what works for them.

I still get judged but my friends who are truly honest with me say they envy me and that I have a great life. A few said they adore their kids and would never not have them but wish they knew how hard it would be. I was fortunate to spend lots of time with friends with young children to know it wasn’t for me as I got older. My friends who didn’t know what to expect found it harder to cope with the big lifestyle changes.

Delve into the reasons you truly want children and ask for outside advice and support. If you think your children would have severe challenges in life then you have to weigh up if it’s fair just to have them because you want them.

You also need to consider if you have support, financial security, suitable living conditions - long term, if you can cope with challenging behaviour or how much of your life you have to dedicate to raising children and if you have the patience and ability to raise them to thrive.

It’s good you are questioning it but we can’t answer these questions on mumsnet, you need advice from people who know your full situation.

This is such a good and useful reply.

This is a silly and irresponsible comment to make

Yes, of course we both want children.

I was just asking in case one is more eager or one is more anxious about having a child than the other.

Been one for 3 years.

40 is (in my subjective opinion) too old and no, I don’t think it’s fair to have a baby if both parents have a learning disability.

I think it would depend on the learning disability. For example, I’m dyslexic but that hasn’t put me off having a child.

You sound like two youngish committed people who are sensibly considering whether you have what it takes to become parents - this to me signifies that you have what it takes to be great parents. A lot of people don’t have what you already have. But of course, you will know more in depth than I do.

Dyslexia isn't a learning disability. It's a learning difficulty, which is a completely different matter.

@Benny91 I believe that if you and your wife are committed to caring for a child and would like to have one, you should go for it.
Maybe have a discussion with your doctor first, to see if there are particular risk factors in your case.

But as a midwife, I have seen countless highly unsuitable parents over the years, and you don't strike me as unsuitable, just based on the way you post.